husband leaving me, please advise

[adviseme]

Do skip my post if you are not interested but please do not flame me. I am just a desperate woman with nowhere to turn to.

I have been reading some threads from this forum and have been touched by the sincerity of some brothers here and how they offer their help and advice unconditionally. I do not want to go to some cosy forum of weepy women who talk about women's rights. I need advice from the more "mature" crowd who may have gone through my situation and can give me proper advice, from a male perspective, no matter how much pain it might cause me.

Pardon me if this is lengthy but I believe that a full picture is required before any advice can be given.

Me (39) and husband (41) do have our share of ups and downs, having struggled with a 5 yo son. But things have been better now because son is older and less dependent on us. We hardly have any disagreement cos he is always busy at work and I try not to waste our precious time together fighting over trivial issues.

He started his cold treatment towards me for almost 18 months. I believed him when he said it was because of work as he still was the responsible father and husband although he minimised physical contact with me. Sex was at best twice a month and the last time we did it was 2 months ago. I am not an unattractive woman. I jog and work out regularly and have been accosted by men in the gym.

I have tried to talk to him about the cold treatment but he denied problems. Just told me not to think too much. 6 months ago, he finally told me he doesnt feel the same anymore, but denied that there was anybody else. He said he was staying on because of our son. Despite the hurt, I continued to try to make it work. Put up with his cold shoulder, tried to spend more time with him etc. Our relationship had been cordial, share jokes, have meals together, go out as a family etc.

He finally came clean today. He has been sleeping with a colleague for almost a year now. She is also married, with a young child, has no problem with her husband. He told me that I have been a good mother and wife and there was no push factor for his affair. He said they were compatible as they have the same character. He does not expect to marry her but decided to come clean as he is tired of hiding and lying.

I cried but did not lose my composure. Maybe his months of indifference has prepared me for this. I calmly sat down with him and offered him 2 alternatives:

1. split up with her, and we go for counselling. I know I need help to get over this betrayal as much as he needs help to overcome this.

2. he move out, we file for divorce.

He cried with me but told me that it was too late. He told me that even if I have him physically, I cant have his heart cos even though he still cared, he doesnt love me anymore.

My world fell apart.

I still love him, despite everything and am willing to forgive and move on. I also do not want to hurt my son with any selfish action on my part. However, the other half of me told me to let him go and that I deserve better than a dysfunctional family like this.

The strange thing is, after the emotional discussion about arrangements (he will find a place and move out within 2 weeks) we hugged and cried together. I told him to indulge me just this once and he actually made effort to hold my hand and my waist when we went for dinner together.

I am lost. As he lay there sleeping soundly next to me (no we did not have sex prior to that) I tossed and turned. I cant sleep. I cant let him go. I know deep inside his mind, he still cared for me and for the family. He is just clouded by this unattainable love. I am even contemplating taking him back and wait out his affair.

What should I do?

I am really sorry that this post is so long. So sorry but I really need advice.

[Ryke]

Hi , I have read thru about your problem. I hoped that my opinion can show some lighr to you.

1. Your husband had commited the mistake no matter how he cared for you and the family is rubbish. If he really cared why he commit the mistake.

2. It is true having him physically is useless. Why keep him ? He been with his colleague for 1 year plus than he start to feel tired of lying and hiding. Obviously, he enjoyed lying and hiding. This mean he had delibrate intention of cheating and splitting the family.

3. Having such a husband is already a torture. Do u want to keep him and let your son learn from him. You might think that your child does not know but child might already discovered before your husband confessed.

I will recommend you to end this relationship and channel your strength to bring up ypur child rather than staying with such a unfaithful man . I hope my opinion and advice can help u in a way . God bless u .

[block11]

I calmly sat down with him and offered him 2 alternatives:
...
I am even contemplating taking him back and wait out his affair.

What should I do?


my personal opinion as a samster... if this is his first affair then he'll be very confused and feeling guilty now... try not to push him into a decision by offering fixed alternatives like the above. instead, stay together first and work it out since both of you obviously still care for each other and your son... i think you should wait out his affair. it should not last long since she is happily married anyway... i dont believe in rushing things. you can decide to divorce later if this marriage cannot be worked out. all the best ;)

[adviseme]

Thanks putra80. I agree, it is a personal matter. I wish it were not. If only there were clear cut steps to take when such things happen. Thanks for the links. I was too busy googling "divorce recovery" :( Really appreciate your taking time out to search for the links and read them up. Thank you.

[adviseme]

hello block11. You are right, he is feeling guilty now. Kept apologising to me and told me that he felt bad putting me through this. He is a good man. I am not sure if he is confused as he seems to be sure about what he is doing. He has even started viewing units. I wondered if he is just trying to get out of being married and she was a good reason since he doesnt intend to marry her anyway. He told me that instead of immediate divorce, maybe we should look at a 3 year annulment, maybe things will improve...but he put in a disclaimer that dont read too much into it. Things arent going smooth at workfront for me. He knew before the showdown. Was actually thinking of using this or the fact that son is still young as an excuse to hold him back and wait it out. Dont really know. But thanks for offering your advice. Thanks.

[StillLearning]

My wife and I have had various ups and downs during our 15 years of marriage. My wife is a beautiful, tall and shapely blonde who is a very good mother and wife. Her family may not have been supportive of her marrying a Singaporean born Chinese, but with love, she has delivered four lovely children. However, our arguments usually pertain to her side of the family. We have been faithful, and my wife trusts me 100%.

I sympathize your difficult situation, and may I suggest that you and your husband seek counselling, do not force the issue of your husband moving out, and be patient.

I pray and hope that your situation will turn positive.

Set our hearts on fire with love for You, O Christ our God, that in its flame we may love You with all our heart, with all our mind, with all our soul and with all our strength, and our neighbours as ourselves, so that, keeping Your commandments, we may glorify You, the Giver of all good gifts.
We pray that You will intercede and counsel [adviseme] and her husband, as well as the other lady, reconcile them with their respective spouses, and strengthen them. Lord, have mercy. Amen.

[tartar26]

Hello, lady... let me give u precious advice.. i will go straight to the point... i may be young, 27 but i am not stupid.

You need to understand love... there is no guarantee in the first place the both of your love initially will sustain after the day you all fall in love and get married, although they are at two time period. Falling out of love or marriage, espeically in 21st century is quite normal, despite majority fear of it. Ok, understood?

Its normal for you to fear and feel sad over such things because of your belief system. Let me assure you this... there is nothing to be ashamed and scared about being divorcee. You can ignore all the 'aunties' and kapoh people talk about your stuff... its really nothing

For you children or child, you do not have to be afraid also. As long as you take time to communicate with him and tell him that its normal that people, his/her parents in this case, which is you and your husband, come and seperate. A child will be scared and fearful because he lived in a world where "daddy and mummy" are supposed to be together. If not, there is no sense of safety in his life.. Such is the naive thinking of children, but 'what to do'. Hence, you yourself has to know this truth so that you can educate your children about these and hence truly help them over their emotions.

They will in turn, with correct learning, become better people. So dun worry also. Lastly, i wish you good luck. Really, my reasoning is correct one.

[MikeInTheHole]

Dear AdviseMe!

I have been in your situation before. I have been naughty. The grass is always greener over the other side of the fence. Emotion situation is very difficult to manage. I thought I lost that loving feeling with my partner, but like all things, it can be found back. Hang on to it! cheers!:D

Mike In The Hole

[StillLearning]

hello block11. You are right, he is feeling guilty now. Kept apologising to me and told me that he felt bad putting me through this. He is a good man. I am not sure if he is confused as he seems to be sure about what he is doing. He has even started viewing units. I wondered if he is just trying to get out of being married and she was a good reason since he doesnt intend to marry her anyway. He told me that instead of immediate divorce, maybe we should look at a 3 year annulment, maybe things will improve...but he put in a disclaimer that dont read too much into it. Things arent going smooth at workfront for me. He knew before the showdown. Was actually thinking of using this or the fact that son is still young as an excuse to hold him back and wait it out. Dont really know. But thanks for offering your advice. Thanks.

Based on the above, perhaps, your and husband and you may wish to give your marriage another chance. Although I do not understand what you mean by "3 year annulment", what is there for your husband to gain, other than the thrill of his sexual relationship with the other married woman? What is it that he feels unsatisfied in his marriage to you? Perhaps, the next time he apologizes to you, you may wish to consider telling him that you are willing to forgive him, and consider renewing your marriage vow.

[Leverage Trader]

Not sure sis adviseme can understand chinese, but I think I can better express it in chinese.

变了心的男人是最剧烈的毒, 如果你想挽回他, 那就注定一世中了他的毒.

有些男人并没有你想象中那么值得挽留, 何必为不再爱你, 你也不值得再爱他的人而毁了一生?
就像周星驰电影里的台词所说——就当是一个屁，把它放了吧!

为你孩子和真正的幸福, 奋斗吧!!!

Best Wishes
LT

[bg102]

Hi, I will offer my 2 cents

I am sorry to hear of your situation but after reading through you post, I think you can work it out. The first thing to do is NOT to have him move out, because that will be the start of ending the relationship with you.

Make time for family, as you do want your son to have a family environment to grow up in. I also feel, his affair is like "comfort food". They work together and understand each other in work and stress and pressure and so end up comforting each other. When the situation continues they become more familiar with each other and the relationship grows.

You also need to make time for each other TOGETHER. Try to take one day a week to be with each other only, whether it is just going out for dinner (just 2 of you only) or doing some activity together. Tell him if he feels the responsibility to have a good family environment for your son, he will need to be able to have the relationship with you too, as the child grow, he /she will see if there is tension or friction and the once a week togetherness will help to make you both comfortable with each other.

Also this will allow both of you to re-discover each other but take your time and don't rush it, over time you both will discover if you will be better together or apart, but do give yourself enough time to get to know each other once again as persons, individuals and at the end, if anything, you will at the very least have a new good friend or re-build your relationship with each other and may even be stronger.

I am no angel, but I did admit straying a long time ago and my wife had wanted to split but I did not want to and we worked it out and have stayed together for a very long time now. I do love my wife, and as I said, I am no angel, so I try not to get entangled in relationships as it is more difficult when the heart and mind is involved.

I am sorry for this long note, but I just thought I would like to offer my 2 cents and hope this can help you.

[HCKing]

when both parties live under one roof over years, either one or both parties will tend to take each other 4 granted and gradually that special feeling is lost. i believe the reason y he choose to see another married woman is to regain that special feeling without having to bear the responsibility and commitment that comes with it. it will be good to go 4 marriage counselling and seek their advice b4 it gets complicated.

[MeiMei5151]

When I first read your thread this morning, I had wanted to post you a reply as I had shared the same emotions as your hushand ... but no third-party relationship involved. I was last intimate with my wife 7 years ago when my son was conceived. Despite the lack of interest for intimacy, I believed I am still a good father and husband. Hence, in a way I know how you could win him back .... that is provided you want to.

Many bros had since replied you and in way they have said all that I had wanted to say. I summarised below the points that I agree and disagree with.

I totally agree with bro bg102 that "The first thing to do is NOT to have him move out, because that will be the start of ending the relationship with you."

Also agreed with bro block11 that "if this is his first affair then he'll be very confused and feeling guilty now... try not to push him into a decision by offering fixed alternatives like the above. instead, stay together first and work it out ... i think you should wait out his affair. it should not last long since she is happily married anyway... i dont believe in rushing things. you can decide to divorce later if this marriage cannot be worked out."

I do not agree with bro Ryke when he said:

1. ...If he really cared why he commit the mistake.
2. It is true having him physically is useless. Why keep him ?
3. Having such a husband is already a torture.
I will recommend you to end this relationship"
for that is more of a clinical and logical mind thinking of an uninvolved outsider.

bro tartar26 is correct in stating that "there is nothing to be ashamed and scared about being divorcee." BUT then he also added that "A child will be scared and fearful because he lived in a world where "daddy and mummy" are supposed to be together. If not, there is no sense of safety in his life."

Hence, your best bet is DO NOTHING, DON"T CHASE HIM OUT. One possible strategy is that instead of reacting by being angry and offensive, try using reverse psychology. Show him that though hurt and suffering, you continue to be the sweet, loving, caring, understanding and dutiful wife and mother still. All men (no matter how incorrigible) can appreciate a good, gentle and caring wife no matter how far he strayed. He will eventually come back to you and you should forgive him (even now). As bro block11 said ... i think you should wait out his affair. it should not last long since she is happily married anyway...

My aunt used this approach and it works. She used to be very fierce and domineering until she found out my uncle was having an affair with her best friend. She changed 180 degrees and in the end they remained together till their final days. Hope this helps. Just DON'T DO ANYTHING RASH.

[iloveoversea]

Imho, when a man is gungho enough to choose divorce, that could only mean he’s either desperate enough to get out of the marriage or he’s too ashamed to face his family.

Ts, based on what you have said, your husband might be very confused rite now. There’s simply no reason to move away from a forgiving wife(That is if you actually put it plainly across that your willing to forgive him, guys at this point can’t understand hints no matter how clearly it has been made) and headed towards loneliness. Unless if the other women is leaving her family as well. But you also mention he cares about you still and guess that means something. No one will care about another without emotional attachment, i.e. do you actually care how many puppies does your neighbour’ dog gave birth to?

Do you really want him to be wif you for the rest of your life when you already know everything? Instinct are inborn unfortunately, like a cat who will always kill its prey at any given chance

[ddog]

Your husband is confused at best. That usually happens with a couple neglects one another, submitting to the norms that you both have been conditioned too, for convenience sake. Both parties are to be blamed for it.

I've personally dated 2 40yr old ladies (my age is round 3/4) of it, and one thing's for sure, their situation was more or less the same: husband lost interest, divorcing. They're really fine ladies nonetheless, with looks that could pass off as 28yr olds etc.

Anyways, to skip to the point, you're wise to seek advice fr the opp sex, as females, they tend side their own, willy nilly, right or wrong, they will point the finger at the males. What you need is to relight the flame. Breakout from the norms. Obviously the 3rd party (mistress) had poisoned him. Guys are suckers for temptresses. It's natural, like it or not.

Right now, he probably feels a sense of belonging in her, as she feeds his ego and needs. Classic case. However, you've a kid with him, as well as a wedding ring to boot. To rekindle the nostalgia you must first make a change. Be the person, he used to know, when he fell for you. Ask yourself, what was the last praise he'd complimented you? You personality? thoughtfullness? etc... work on that. Bring out things you both used to do, you both love.

For me I'd play a self composed song on the piano and the gal would fall for me all over again. But thats another story haha (I'm not too good with ladies anyway). Again, make him feel as part of the family, as one, a wife, a kid and him. He'd already played part of his role by supporting the family, responsibility is already impeded in him. Give him the other half.

It's all up to you, it's worth a shot. Go for it.

[HayHot]

A marriage will only works if BOTH PARTIES wants it to. Appearently you had wanted it to work, but your husband doesn't. So I guess the only way out is to walk away from it.

"He cried with me but told me that it was too late. He told me that even if I have him physically, I cant have his heart cos even though he still cared, he doesnt love me anymore."

You'll get through it.
This is not an affair or a ONS or cheating spouse that got caught that still wants the marriage to work. This is someone who had no "heart" in the marriage anymore. No point wasting both time over it. Walk away.

[Lsy84]

dear sis adviseme,

based on the situation i have just read in your post, i can only say that a marriage will work out if 2 parties are remain faithful to each other. It has been said, that it takes 2 hands to clap, this is especially so in a marriage.

Since your hubby couldn't resist the temptation and decided to be involved with his colleague, and kept things from you shows that he feels guilty.

What I can advice you sis, you have to be strong and move on, cos you need to support your kid, and prepare yourself for the unavoidable D word: Divorce...

No point clinging on to a marriage when one party did such a thing to u emotionally....

Hope everything works out for u sis and take care... :)

[Erasure]

I understand the hell and confusion you are currently going through...although not the pain as I'm not in your shoes.

I have female friends sharing the same shit with me and my shirt have been soaked wet with their tears and pain. One of them even committed suicide...and succeeded after the third try.

I realized talking and counselling have little impact if you do not change your mindset. Hoping for him to change is useless as you will be pinning your hopes and future on someone...that's unrealiable and it is a waiting game that can last forever. Even if he does change...it doesn't mean he will be faithful again in the future.

Tune your mindset, make yourself strong...you have to...you got no choice. Be indifferent...learn to think like a bastard and be numb to emotions and void of feelings. Happy and sad are mirrors of each other. You will take a long time to recover, but when you do, you will be strong I swear to you. You have to treat him like a friend, no longer your husband. You like his presence, going for dates, dinner and lying side by side on the bed. But that's about it...don't expect anymore than that. He is now just a good friend. Open up your horizons, meet new people. It takes someone to fill up the emptiness within you. Only love can fill up this void.

To summarize, treat his presence at home as though nothing happened and continue to live life as per normal since he has already been cold towards you. Divorce, annulment, separation make no difference as his heart is no longer there. At this moment, seek someone else suitable who can truly care for you and make you feel like a woman and lover again.

All the best.

[oubboss]

Hi sis,

I was in the same shoe as ur hubby b4 and will know from experience what ur hubby is going through .


Having a 10 yr marriage does not mean u truly understand ur hubby . I was married for 10 yrs and a girl whom i cohabited for 2 years understand me more than my 10 yr marriage wife . My GF knows my likes/problems/favorites more than my 10 yr wife . It's called understanding . For your 10 yr marriage do you really know wat ur hubbys' favourite food/color/underwear/cloth sense? And does ur hubby knows urs too ??


Try to understand ur hubby more and share his problems .
Ask him wat is the attraction from the other party that u are short off .
Tell him u willing to change for him and will pay more attention to him .

Get to know the problems that lies in you and strive to improve . U might think i'm blaming you but try to think of the issues with you which prompted him to seek solace elsewhere . Is it u are too demanding/controlling or u totally do not understand him at all with ur 10 yr marriage ??

All the best trying to salvage the situation .

[Enzo]

hi adviseme, i sent a pm to you giving you some advice. All the best.

[superk92]

I agree with bro oubboss. My female friends whom, many are in the same situation tells me, she doesn't even know their husbands of 10+years well until now (as they divorce). Most of them went through the divorce, so be prepared for it. But also, at least give it a last shot, before you let everything go. Being a single mom, with a growing kid, isn't healthy, and many men out there just wants to toy with single ladies, in general.
Get to know him one last time.

[Happy Forever]

I will advise hang on to your marriage for some of the reasons stated below.

1)He is still a caring father to his son even though he may have strayed.He is not abusive towards you even though he may say he doesnt love you anymore.There are worse kind of husbands/fathers out there.

2)His betrayal of your trust maybe a blip in his life at this moment.Just that the other party feels more fresh to him now and he can indulged in her without having any obligations so it kind of thrilling for him.

3)Like some say,he maybe confused now but given time family will be more important to him once the novelty of the affair wears out and the other party starts to give him problems and complications.

4)Ultimately,it is still your choice whether to forgive him for his betrayal and willing to give him time to look back.
i)If yes,just act normal and sort of a cooling period for both of you.Do not pressure him.Lead your own life.Show your cheerful side instead of brooding.Have your own activity.Dress well and go for outings with your friends.Show to him you are also desirable in others eyes.That should shook him up abit.
ii)If you were to decide to leave this marriage.Think carefully of the consequences of single parenthood.It no joke bringing up the kid alone without either 1 of the parent.People may say it nothing but it never easy for those who are really single parent to look after and educate the kid alone when he/she need to work also.Time will be so much lesser to spend with the kid.

If you can come into this forum where the majority are guys,then you should know most guys are unfaithful to their spouses.We come in here hoping to score maybe free pussies,look for paid pussies,ask for advises to score ons etc.If you can accept all these faults in a guy,the most important traits still will be if your hubby is still caring and responsible towards the family.

Maybe my advise is silly and useless but try to think things through before arriving in any decision which will affect the 3 of you ultimately later in life.

:)

[dummydummy]

maybe u can do the same? find a guy and have frequent sexual relatoinship with him but do not commit any love relation with him. Like that you satisfied your sexual urge while not losing your husband and family. More better if your partner is a young guy(<30 etc).

[liberatte]

Hi TS,

Said - said - said: I remember when we used to sit
In the government yard in trenchtown,
Oba - obaserving the ypocrites
As they would mingle with the good people we meet.
Good friends we have, oh, good friends weve lost
Along the way.
In this great future, you cant forget your past;
So dry your tears, I seh.

No, woman, no cry; -Bob Marley

Actually, your HB is just another simple minded cheongster that took the FB business too far. Looking at the brighter side, at least he's not hitting you or even brought something back from his 'exploits' (STD and others). Instead of taking everything on yourself, I would suggest both of you go to one of those marriage councellors for a chat.

[yang punk]

A man and for that matter any woman has capacity in her heart to love more than one person. It need not be exclusive.

Take for example yourself. You love your son, your husband, your parents and siblings...perhaps another man friend or colleague if you will just allow your heart to accept a substitute....

Your husband may be feeling very guilty now... it is natural for him to feel he had betrayed you and not sure if you will forgive him. He may feel he is no more romantically in love with you...thus his desire to divorce.

Let be frank and realistic. In a relationship the 'love curve' is U-shaped. At the start of the romance during courting days, 'love' is very strong, right at the top of the U and years go by ... marriage ... parenthood ... career... the love curve descends ... and as children grows up ... career coming to an end ... retirement ... old age ... the couple will depend more on each other again and love matures (sex will be less if not involved at all).

Since you could both still talk to each other rationally without emotions getting the better the better of the situation... ask him to think about these situations...

Does his office lover wants a divorce with her husband and marry him? What can she offer him that you can't? Are they both prepared to wait all those years for the divorce to come thru and at the end of it still be in love and want to marry... will not her husband create trouble for them?

Can he afford to maintain 2 families? Yours... because he will have to pay maintenance for you and your son (what if you don't want custody so that you will be more free to find your own new love) and for his new wife and her entourage (her children).

What guarantee does he have that his fickle heart will not change again... having stolen sex in the office can be fun and very exciting but it is totally a different cookie where he has to wake up in the morning with her un-madeup face... sloppy habits ... noisy children of another man... Bet you love will quickly fly out of the window!

Ask him to consider in his old age when he is sickly and lonely... will he not miss a caring wife, his family, ie son and grandchildren...

If you do love him still give him time to ponder all the above...show him the true diamond that you are that he had forgotten to appreciate distracted by his lust for easy sex in the office.

Of course a third party counselor may help to talk sense into him...it will take time and patience. But if he is worth keeping then it is worth the trouble.

Hope it helps and take care. Shit often happens to the nicest people!

yang punk

PS: Tried to pm you but my msg was too long...broke it up into 3 parts but only pt 1 and 2 got thru before your msg box overflowed. This is pt 3. So read the other 2 parts first to make more sense out of this.

[mincin]

忍一时, 风平浪静. 退一步, 海阔天空. That's the philosophy that I live by when I'm with my hubby.
I can't offer much advice cos my r/s with hubby not that ideal either but I do know from your posts is that you had repeatedly told him that u are still willing to take him back so at this point in time, the ball is in his court. It's up to him to decide now. As what some other bros had mentioned here, lead your own life & don't use the guilt factor to pressurise him. Hope in time to come, he'll come to his senses.
Take care!

[Done All]

There are many types of advice given by brothers here.
Some may look very extreme.
To hang on is extreme on one end of the spectrum, while going straight for divorce is the other extreme end.
I have seen too many, done too much.
Probably, in most cases, things are not salvageable.
Be realistic, at all times love yourself first, and only first, so build your own life in whatever you may decide.

[Chinapuss]

Hi TS...best is to think of ur kid...both u and ur hubby should go for counselling...try to reconcile as de one tat will be most hurt is not u nor ur hubby but ur kid...Have faith and turn to God for help...I'm sure God will listen and help if u juz sincerely turn to Him...God bless :)

[Softcore]

Some of you give really bad advice.

---

To adviseme:

The key here is to understand why your husband strayed. No one goes into a marriage thinking that in the years to come, they will stray. A multiude of reasons and events must have happened for your husband to stray. The fact that he came clean with you shows that he still cares for you, albeit in a manner that rests more on the fact that it is a commitment, and not a form of passion.

Passion is the key to the longivity of any happy relationship. Forget what all the trashy magazines and books tell you that commitment, trust, blah blah blah are more important in the long run; they are wrong. While commitment and continous romance are important, passion is as important, if not more so, than the other two. For a successful relationship and marriage, you must keep all three burning. This is why most marriages do not sustain, because the most important element dies off first, followed by romance, and commitment is usually the only thread holding it together. Most of the time, it is never enough. If you are very sexually compatible from the start, chances are you will end up together with your significant other for a long time.

Just look at the dozens of men who post their sob stories in this subforum: The passion has died off in each case. Without the fiery power of passion, romance and commitment are nothing, or at best, inadequate.

Sit down with your husband, hold his hands, and talk to him. Tell him that you're not there to judge him. Tell him that you want to hear his soul speak to him. Communicate and ask him why did he stray. Don't judge; listen instead. Open your soul to him and he will open his to yours. Implore him to tell you what he feels. Tell him that you still love him, not because of the commitment of the institution of marriage, but because you still feel a bond deeper than that which draws you to him, namely the element of passion. Above all, find the fire between the two of you again; find what made you develop that bond with him in the first place. Channel that passion into your feelings for him, and let him feel you.

I wish you all the best.

[mincin]

Passion is the key to the longivity of any happy relationship.

Just look at the dozens of men who post their sob stories in this subforum: The passion has died off in each case. Without the fiery power of passion, romance and commitment are nothing, or at best, inadequate.



Totally agree with u on 'passion' but unfortunately, it's hard to rekindle & keep lighted. I for one, want to know where to find that 'long-lost passion'.... Now, for me, passion is only a vocabulary that belongs in the romance novels. :o

[Softcore]

That's because for your case, your partner is not giving this matter any attention. Given a choice between making love to you and playing computer games, which would he choose?

Question him: "Do you believe that once we're married, we do not need to keep the passion between us alive?"

His answer will give you an insight into the coming years of your marriage.

[adviseme]

Dear everybody.

I am humbled and touched by all the replies, private messages, well wishes and prayers. I wish I could thank everyone personally but it will just make this thread unnecessarily long. Some of you have shared your private lives with me and i promise they will be kept private.

As one of the Samsters rightly pointed out, the fact that I seek advice from this forum of mostly unfaithful men proved that I am tolerant (note: this is different from accepting) of infidelity. Maybe I should make things ugly for my husband but ultimately what would that achieve? He has been a good man. He has brought out the best in me and we have shared good times together. His affair does not change that. As his family, I will accept him and his mistakes unconditionally. Not easy, I will try

I still love my husband, very much. He has always been gentle and kind to me, even at his most distant moments. Maybe that is why I find it hard to let go. I just wish he could see beyond this moment to what we have shared and mostly to what we will be doing to our son.

He has agreed to stay put for the time being since I am also going through some stress from work and wont be able to cope with so much at one go. I guess I will take this time to think things through. The whole episode seemed too surreal and I suspect I am still numb from the hurt to know what I really want. Hopefully he will also take this time to sort things out and realize that love is not just a feeling. Love needs to be nourished. Otherwise someone else will go through what I am going through in just a couple of years’ time.

Do remember me in your prayers. I really need it.

[Acanthus]

That's because for your case, your partner is not giving this matter any attention. Given a choice between making love to you and playing computer games, which would he choose?

Question him: "Do you believe that once we're married, we do not need to keep the passion between us alive?"

His answer will give you an insight into the coming years of your marriage.

I totally agreed with Passion being the most important factor in maintaining a marriage.

Ask yourself this - did you make an effort to at least show interest in things he enjoy doing? Did you try to get him to participate in things you enjoy doing - like your hobby?

All these time bonding will rekindle the passion, if the passion is gone, then all that is left will be just responsibilty to the other party and the family.

and trust me, its very easy to break.

[injuredman]

After reading through the many advice given by the brothers here I guess you must have some thoughts on the current situation. I would advise you to take some time to think about what you really want to achieve from the current situation before you move on as your personal decision should not be affected by what the others think (i.e. you may want to stay on and weather all the bad emotions and actions from your hubby or you may want to leave in the end).

Anyway, first and foremost, I would think that you should clear your mind and look towards your target first. As this would help you to make a clearer decision in time to come. Whether you want to give more to salvage the situation or to leave will be dependent on the results of your thoughts and the willingness to sacrifice for the relationship. Humans are emotional and will definitely be affected by lots of emotional factors which is why you need to stay strong in order to persevere.

All the best to you and hope that you will be able to emerge stronger after the entire episode has ended. Do talk to us again if you need anything. Take care!

[_AXL_]

Me (39) and husband (41) do have our share of ups and downs, having struggled with a 5 yo son. But things have been better now because son is older and less dependent on us. We hardly have any disagreement cos he is always busy at work and I try not to waste our precious time together fighting over trivial issues.

He started his cold treatment towards me for almost 18 months. I believed him when he said it was because of work as he still was the responsible father and husband although he minimised physical contact with me. Sex was at best twice a month and the last time we did it was 2 months ago. I am not an unattractive woman. I jog and work out regularly and have been accosted by men in the gym.

I have tried to talk to him about the cold treatment but he denied problems. Just told me not to think too much. 6 months ago, he finally told me he doesnt feel the same anymore, but denied that there was anybody else. He said he was staying on because of our son. Despite the hurt, I continued to try to make it work. Put up with his cold shoulder, tried to spend more time with him etc. Our relationship had been cordial, share jokes, have meals together, go out as a family etc.

first of all, i m sorry to hear about your marital problems. it is a very personal problem and i dont know if i can help, so i m sorry if i wasted your time. before u get angry, hurt or betrayed, did u put yourself in your husband's shoes??? however, i m not claiming that your husband is not in the wrong. but at sammyboy, we can help u by giving u some of the generic psyche of a man.

no responsible man would tell u he is staying on only because of your child. period. this is not a responsible man. to me, he is worse than those men who pay for sex. they only commit physical adultery while your husband committed physical and emotional adultery.

however, the crux lies why he actually did that to you? again, i m not saying that the fault lies with u, but why??? lay those those feelings of hurt and betrayal and think. only u and maybe your husband know the truth.

1. u said u talked to him and he told u 6 mths back that he no longer feels anything for u. i m sure a guy would not tell u that the 1st time u ask. did u bug him for a long time before he finally confessed?
2. although u try not to quarrel over trivial matters, did these quarrels still happen often?
3. out of curiosity, why did u say that both of u struggled with your 5 yo son???
4. were the gym sessions for him or for yourself???
5. after his confessions that he didnt feel for u anymore, were u the only one who tried to kickstart the marriage again???

He finally came clean today. He has been sleeping with a colleague for almost a year now. She is also married, with a young child, has no problem with her husband. He told me that I have been a good mother and wife and there was no push factor for his affair. He said they were compatible as they have the same character. He does not expect to marry her but decided to come clean as he is tired of hiding and lying.

colleagues are very dangerous. your husband spends a minimum of 8 waking hours everyday at work. probably much more waking hours than at home. when problems arise at work, his colleagues would be able to emphatise better than u. agreed???

telling u the work problems would be troublesome if u did not pay much attention to the ongoing politics there. even if u did pay attention, it would be difficult to really appreciate the actual situation since u r not there physically.

but the main issue i have here is what u meant by "he FINALLY came clean today." didnt he tell u 6 months ago that the problem was that he no longer has feelings for u??? but he suddenly confessed (out of the blue) that he was having an affair with a happily married woman!!! now, i m confused!!! cos i could swear that a man would never do that unless at gunpoint or confronted with irrefutable evidence!!! so, i m very interested to know how u made yr husband confess... if u bugged him incessently, i m inclined to think that there is a possibility that he made the affair up just to get u off his back!!!

i m sorry, but it just seems to me that the reason that he no longer has feelings for u is just not a good enough reason, but the appearance of another woman is good enough for u. u didnt ask him to move out when he no longer loves u, but now he has committed adultery, he has to move out.

i m just thinking, committing adultery doesnt mean that he doesnt love u. there r tons of men out there (and in here) who engages in paid sex but love their wives and children to bits. isnt the loss of feelings the bigger problem here???

my suspicion is that both your husband and yourself should put all your pride aside and confess how much both of u value this marriage.

your husband needs to know this. he has taken a marriage vow. not many people think that it is sacred, but it is. and tell him to wake up his fucking idea!!! no man can love a woman forever. the love will fade, and that's when lust for other women takes over. he is then measured by whether he can overcome them or succumb to them.

your husband must know that a marriage will grow. love is the reason u got together. the love will grow into companionship and friendship. not the normal companionship, but the trust that both of u would stick by each other, for better or for worse. the kind of companionship that would last a lifetime, the kind of companionship that would equip each other with the confidence to face the big bad world, the kind of companionship that offers mutual support which makes the kind of shit u have to take all worth it. simply the kind that one can never get from PRC prostitutes or happily married colleagues.

and friendship is not the friendship u make with your bros/sistas u go drinking or shopping with. the kind of best friend who can share your deepest fears and insecurities, and yet not make u less of a man or woman. your biggest fan and your biggest supporter. and newsflash: it takes 2 to work.

for u, i have this niggling feeling that u dont let up. nagging is a man's biggest fear. your words, though humbly seeking help, is still shining with strength and pride. it is good generally to have these strengths, but the current situation calls for u to put them down and solve these issues with your husband. dont hesitate to seek professional help but only if both of u are really comfortable with it.

i m sorry if i offended u. my wife and i hope that both of u work it out and do not have to resort to divorce. take care.

[Bangster]

Sheesh...

I did not know we have so many damn counsellors here in SBF!!

I really thought we were just a bunch of happy fuckers!!

[fleetfoot]

Yeah we all r happy fuckers, but not that fucked that 'xiao chong nao' (sperm rush to brain). Quite a comforting thought actually.

leave they guy seriously. Being a guy, I know for a fact its not going to be the same any more. Even if he says he will change or leaves the girl. Anyway what's important is yr son, and singapore law protects the fairer sex so most probably you will get custody.

Eventually even if you do find someone new or not , it wouldn't matter. Its better than to live in misery right?

[Bangster]

Dont be so pessimistic lah...

There are and have been successful reconciliations and we should encourage Sis Adviseme..

But I am no counsellor here..just a happy fucker.

[adviseme]

(my previous reply did not get posted so I am posting another one)

Dear everybody

I am truly humbled and touched by all the advice, private messages, well wishes and prayers. Some of you have shared very personal encounters and I promise that they will stay private. I wish I could reply to each one of you individually but it will make this thread unnecessarily long.

Current situation is he will not move out so soon. As mentioned, I am going through some stress from work and he is helping me through this period first. Things do not look terribly optimistic at this point in time. I am going to see a counsellor myself to get over this shock and hopefully make a proper decision from there.

Again, thanks. I really appreciate all that kindness. I know Samsters do not log into the forum to play Aunty Agony and all your replies lessened the pain somewhat.

Finally, do say a prayer for me, I really need it.

[adviseme]

Hi, I feel burdened to reply you.

before u get angry, hurt or betrayed, did u put yourself in your husband's shoes???
ya I guess I let self pity envelope me before thinking from his perspective.

however, the crux lies why he actually did that to you? again, i m not saying that the fault lies with u, but why???
trust me, I wish I knew why too

1. u said u talked to him and he told u 6 mths back that he no longer feels anything for u. i m sure a guy would not tell u that the 1st time u ask. did u bug him for a long time before he finally confessed?
guilty as charged

2. although u try not to quarrel over trivial matters, did these quarrels still happen often?
no quarrels at all, hard to believe but true

3. out of curiosity, why did u say that both of u struggled with your 5 yo son???
other than the normal teething problem of having an additional member in the household, we had no help from family, no maid, and I suffered from post natal blues

4. were the gym sessions for him or for yourself???
myself

5. after his confessions that he didnt feel for u anymore, were u the only one who tried to kickstart the marriage again???
sadly, yes


colleagues are very dangerous. your husband spends a minimum of 8 waking hours everyday at work. probably much more waking hours than at home. when problems arise at work, his colleagues would be able to emphatise better than u. agreed???
he spends 13-14 hours in the office 5 days a week, so yes, I fully agree

but the main issue i have here is what u meant by "he FINALLY came clean today." didnt he tell u 6 months ago that the problem was that he no longer has feelings for u??? but he suddenly confessed (out of the blue) that he was having an affair with a happily married woman!!! now, i m confused!!! cos i could swear that a man would never do that unless at gunpoint or confronted with irrefutable evidence!!! so, i m very interested to know how u made yr husband confess... if u bugged him incessently, i m inclined to think that there is a possibility that he made the affair up just to get u off his back!!!
i stopped bugging him and naively believed that maybe our routine-ness made he stop feeling for me. i was going out for my morning jog this morning when suddenly he came and confessed. strange but true.

i m sorry, but it just seems to me that the reason that he no longer has feelings for u is just not a good enough reason, but the appearance of another woman is good enough for u. u didnt ask him to move out when he no longer loves u, but now he has committed adultery, he has to move out.
I thought I could rekindle flames if there wasnt anybody else. However if there was, I doubt I could compete with a sweet romantic somebody else with my routine and daily living stuffs.

i m just thinking, committing adultery doesnt mean that he doesnt love u. there r tons of men out there (and in here) who engages in paid sex but love their wives and children to bits. isnt the loss of feelings the bigger problem here???
In a way you are right but I guess he strayed cos he lost his feelings

no man can love a woman forever. the love will fade, and that's when lust for other women takes over. he is then measured by whether he can overcome them or succumb to them.
yes, I fully agree. He seems determined to leave me for her. I have told him that he needs to work on this else she will go through what I am going through now.

your husband must know that a marriage will grow. love is the reason u got together. the love will grow into companionship and friendship. not the normal companionship, but the trust that both of u would stick by each other, for better or for worse. the kind of companionship that would last a lifetime, the kind of companionship that would equip each other with the confidence to face the big bad world, the kind of companionship that offers mutual support which makes the kind of shit u have to take all worth it. simply the kind that one can never get from PRC prostitutes or happily married colleagues.and friendship is not the friendship u make with your bros/sistas u go drinking or shopping with. the kind of best friend who can share your deepest fears and insecurities, and yet not make u less of a man or woman. your biggest fan and your biggest supporter. and newsflash: it takes 2 to work.
Reading this made me tear. I wish he would listen to this.

nagging is a man's biggest fear. your words, though humbly seeking help, is still shining with strength and pride. it is good generally to have these strengths, but the current situation calls for u to put them down and solve these issues with your husband.
i dont nag, really, cos i know it only makes the man shut off completely. and yes, we do calmly talk about the issue at hand.

dont hesitate to seek professional help but only if both of u are really comfortable with it.he refused counselling cos he said his mind is made up.

i m sorry if i offended u. my wife and i hope that both of u work it out and do not have to resort to divorce. no, please i am not offended at all. in an way i envy your wife cos you are committed to your marriage, mine wasnt. things are not optimistic right now and i guess I can only try so much, eventually, I need to have the grace to let go.

Thanks again for your long advice. I really appreciate it.

God bless you and your wife. :)

[spectreray]

Hi,

I was in the same situation b4, have broken off the relationship since but still remians friend. My advice to you will be the same for my close friend whose husband did the same.

Firstly, do you still love your husband? Secondly, will you forgive him for what he has done and be able to forget what he did? Its important cos you don't want this to keep flashing in your mind 5 or 10 years down the road n be the cause of your what so ever in the future

Thirdly, this will be a waiting game. You must have the patience to last the whole process of having him back. I would advise to let him stay out, away from you and your kid. Time will create loneliness in him cos the other woman have family of her own and will not be there for him 4ever. This loneliness will pull him back and by then, passion or love hopefully will be back between both of you. All the best and please remain optimisstic.

[Spanner]

(1) Wife lost interests in making love with me.
(2) We don't communicate much.
(3) Wife only spend time with the kids.
(4) Love is almost not in our dictionary.
(5) Daily routine word exchange between us "Ate already?", "How's the kids?", "You sleep 1st, I got work to do."
(6) Emotion unstable wife
(7) Unfaithful husband.

All these above-mentioned happened to me and my wife. What will all these situations lead to? Needless to say is the D-word, DIVORCE.

But God did not agree with us, HE lead us to this course for troubled couples which is called "Marriage Encounter". Its a weekend stay in retreat for married couples, started by the Catholic Community. But trust me, you will see all sorts of religions. Malay couples, Hindu couples, Taoism couples and many more.

I was very reductant to go and does my wife. We had a long talk and finally gave ourselves a chance and see how it can help us. At first we were very doubtful as how much it can help. That was in early January.

End result, we are together again and is on the road of recovery. It made us understand each other and ourselves.

Help is always there, but at the end of day, it still depends on ourselves whether we want to be helped and how much we want to be helped?

Take care and God Bless Always.....:cool:

Marriage Encounter Website : Worldwide Marriage Encounter Singapore (http://www.marriage-encounter-sg.org/index.php)

[Titansim1]

hello block11. You are right, he is feeling guilty now. Kept apologising to me and told me that he felt bad putting me through this. He is a good man. I am not sure if he is confused as he seems to be sure about what he is doing. He has even started viewing units. I wondered if he is just trying to get out of being married and she was a good reason since he doesnt intend to marry her anyway. He told me that instead of immediate divorce, maybe we should look at a 3 year annulment, maybe things will improve...but he put in a disclaimer that dont read too much into it. Things arent going smooth at workfront for me. He knew before the showdown. Was actually thinking of using this or the fact that son is still young as an excuse to hold him back and wait it out. Dont really know. But thanks for offering your advice. Thanks.

Maybe the reason he kept apologizing to you, because he can't bear this secret anymore and he would like to end this relationship wt you, however he doesn't want to play as so called BAD guy in this story. Having said that, I wouldn't recommend you to file divorce with him unless it is the last resort. Being a new father, I can understand you as mother in the family especially with children. Here are the following steps, hopefully could help you in making decision:
- Be rational and judge by your understanding about your husband and what he is trying to do?. Woman tends to negate the fact by pursuading herself that your husband is not a bad guy.
- If you are closed with his good friends who know about this, maybe you could find out he and the other woman relationship, to understand his character better?
- Based on the fact and your judgement, make the best decision.

Sometime, we as husband...really do not know how to cherish our life partner's. When we realising this fact, most of the time, it will be too late.
So, perhaps...letting him go out and living with the other woman will make him realizing that how good you are.

[ttrax]

Stay or leave dones not really matter here. Mostly important thing is you have to stay positive and happy.

Look around at all those single parent around you.. All the kids grown up to be just as great.

But will seriously like to recommend that u think about it carefully, make the decision, and move on with it. (pls stat-by your close friends so that u can have someone to talk to. :)

Stay strong gal... :o

[aczeta76]

sent you a PM.. each case is unique so please search within yourself as well as look at things objectively before u making any judgement call..

Let me know if you need to sound off me.

[hehfun]

hi,
For a long relationship to work, please consider the following:

Love (Feeling )
Understanding (Support)
Communication (Sharing)
Trust (Loyalty)

Grade the above one by one, see if you like the result.


From what you have written.

1. Love
Does he still loves you ?

[6 months ago, he finally told me he doesnt feel the same anymore..
He has been sleeping with a colleague for almost a year now...]


2. Understanding
Do you understand what he is thinking/feeling and support what he
does.

[He said they were compatible as they have the same character. ..]

3.Communication
Do you guys talk to each other much and sharing what happen during
the day / work area / rumour / news/..etc

[I have tried to talk to him about the cold treatment but he denied problems. Just told me not to think too much....]


4.Trust
Is there any trust between you two.

[He started his cold treatment towards me for almost 18 months...
He finally came clean today. He has been sleeping with a colleague for almost a year now...]


If you decide to stay together..
-------------------------------
1. Could he look you in the eye the same as before.(if he is feeling guilty)

2. Could you look him in the the eye and forgive him everyday.

3. Wow..my wife forgive me, if i have another affair..
I can just do the crying and the 'its my fault' thing again ,
to make her forgive me again....

4. I forgive him, cos its my fault that my husband an affair.


What you have to endure if you stay together
---------------------------------------
You have to look beyond what he has done to you, because you

have to live with it.
When you sleep beside him, will you think about his affair.

Do you think you can never ever mentioned the affair in his face, in the future.



I would suggest you move on with your life.
(if the wife is having an affair for a year,
you think the husband will forgive her)

cos you also mentioned..
[ I am not an unattractive woman. I jog and work out regularly and have been accosted by men in the gym. ]


just my cents of opinion, wish you the best..
**btway, Human nature do not change

[Arilus]

Hi, i tink you should focus back to the main problem, and that is he cheated on you...for nearly a year...i noe as much as u love him, but i still do think that it is wrong for you to beg a person who did wrong to you, no matter what circumstances...stand on your own ground and show him dat you are not weak..Theres no reason to persuade or beg a person becuz like you said, he dun love you anymore..and when sumbody dun love you anymore, no matter what you do, wun change his mind...all i can say is, as hard as it may seem to be..try to move on and hope dat one day he will regret leaving you...and its not your fault at all that all this happened...its him and his uncontrollable desire to bed other woman when he is in fact a husband and a father...why pull yourself down when it is not becuz of your own undoing? stay strong, lady, and u may just end up with a better human being..

[kpkprivate]

Decision is yours.

1) Play cool "let" him move out
1a) Show you can be indepent w/o him.
1b) Let him "think" when he is ALONE. Things that he is missing NOW that he had been taking for granted for years.

2) Protect your child's interest at all cost.(IF which your planning to D him. get the maintanence for your kid. Raising 1 is not easy. By NOT asking for maintence for yourself shows that you care the kid over yourself in which he WILL or might not PRICK his conscience.)

All in all, any decision you make will be a gamble.
Dont let these unhappiness event kills you.
You have a child to focus on.

Think and act rationally.

[LeMoN]

Do skip my post if you are not interested but please do not flame me. I am just a desperate woman with nowhere to turn to.

What should I do?

I am really sorry that this post is so long. So sorry but I really need advice.

The following is a short story i got from my good friend many years ago, somewhere in 2001. I have kept it in my hard drive all these years to serve as a reminder. Hope you can learn something from it too.
========

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom.

This was the scene ten years ago.

The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid; I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affection between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school. Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.

Dew came into my life. It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love. This was the apartment I bought for her.

Dew said, you are the kind of man who best draws girls' eyeballs. Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we were just married, my wife said, Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls. Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But I couldn't help doing so. I moved Dew's hands aside and said, "you go to select some furniture, O.K.?

I've got something to do in the company". Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised to do it together with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me.

However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner.

I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew's body. This was the means of my entertainment.

One day I said to her in a slightly joking way, suppose we divorce, what will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently, she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn't imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious. When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking to her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes. Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we can live together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more.

When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I've got something to tell you, I said. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the serious topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I'm serious. I avoided her question. This so-called answer made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew.

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer. Late that night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I fall asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again.

She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month's time before divorce, and in the month's time we must live as normal a life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn't want him to see our marriage was broken.

She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day? This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, I remember. You carried me in your arms, she continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning.

I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage romantically. I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, Let us start from today, don't tell our son. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for a bus, I drove to the office.

[LeMoN]

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, the outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vague.

On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me of something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger. I didn't tell Dew about this. I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to carry you now. She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.

Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it's time to carry mum out. He said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old.

I held her tightly and said, both you and I didn't notice that our life lacked intimacy. I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won't divorce. I'm serious.

She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. You got no fever. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to you, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of life, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you. Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove to the office.

When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until we are old.

========

From this story, u can understand from a men's perspective why he strayed. Over d years, relationship becomes stagnant and couples drift apart. In d workplace, he may find someone who he sees & interacts with everyday & will take fancy in her.

Ask yourself if you can forgive him for his unfaithfulness. If you can, then you should try every means possible to work things out. Spend more time together, do things dat u both did during courtship/dating. Don't give up, be creative like wat d wife in d story did. You can forward this story to your hubby if u think it can help.

However, alas if things doesn't work out well in d end, it isn't d end of d world. Be strong, live well. I have quite a handful of female friends who are divorced with kids and are still leading a very meaningful life.

All d best to you and hope u come thru this crisis.

[blackwhack]

it's probably easy to tell you to divorce him, but divorce can be a really messy affair esp when you have kids. once loving and kind husbands can turn into the most horrific enemy you can find. are you prepared for a long drawn battle on custody, and care and control issues, with a heavy hit on finances? and worst - the psychological impact on your child? i would advise you to consider divorce only as a last resort.

i would suggest you sit him down and talk. ask him if divorce is really what he wants, and if he really gave it a lot of thought. is he in love with his colleague? is she willing to walk out on her marriage and possibly her children to be with him? your child is young and almost school-going age, but your child is not too young to know that things are not right. divorce will be a major disruptive influence on him. give marriage counselling a shot.

in the meantime, you will still have to prepare for the inevitable. no matter how sweet and kind your husband is or was, he may turn into a cunning and scheming person who is bent on getting as much access to your child and pay as little maintenance as possible. i would suggest collecting documentary proof on how much you contributed to the household and taking care of your child in terms of money and effort. even small things like supporting evidence from kindagarten teachers, school bus drivers, swimming coaches, neighbours, etc., that you are the primary caregiver may come in very useful. you may also need to collect proof of his infidelity, ie. engaging PI, if you want to file on grounds of adultery.

there's more but i think i won't say it here.

good luck sis! i hope your marriage can be saved.

[corny123]

Hi there adviseme,

I'm deeply saddened by your encounter, h/ever it is similar to my mum's experience.. i remembered about 8 years ago, my father is seldom home, like 2 weeks once, and one day my dad and mom had a very huge quarell, which made my mum ran away from home, leaving my 2 sister and myself crying in our rooms. We searched high and low for our mum, and after 2 days, she came back home and talked to us.

H/ever my mum refused to give up on my dad, and yes, he did mention to my mum that everything isn't the same, he has no feelings and he has a woman outside though he does not wish to marry her. My mum perservered and up till now, i noticed the change in my dad.. he's always home, will bring us out for dinner, and celebrates their wedding anniversary which he did not previously. He would bring my mum out to a discreet place which all of us, their children wouldn't know, and be back the next day.

I believe if you perservere and show that you can be strong, a loving wife to your husband, your husband will be moved and it will rekindled his love for you. Even if right now you don't have your husband's love, you still have your son's, like how i love my mum. Probably it is because the three of us shows our love to our mum, that she can perservere. Your son may be 5 years old and doesn't know anything at all, but you can talk to your son. He may not reply, but at least you talked it out and not leave it all inside.

I may be 21 and have no personal experience to share, but i hope my mum's experience will shed some light in your situation. If only my mum can speak to you and have a woman's heart to heart talk..sigh..

[Medusa]

most of the time..when a woman decides to marry a man...she already view this marriage as a lifelong affair...unless she really had no choice...she would actually hang on to her marriage for as long as she can hoping the man she loved would realise she still love him and come back home...

its human to err...but will you folks wake up from all the error? this is what matter most...im sure too if TS has given up hope for her hubby...she wouldnt be here posting to ask for advice...with all her questions..its clear that she wants her hubby back...like what we always hear from the older folks..寧教人打子。。莫教人分離。。perhaps we should not view TS things from our point of view but instead put ourself in her shoes...how are we going to savage this marriage if this happen to us :)

TS, advice can be given to you from any people..but you will still be the one deciding...i always believe that in this kinda of relationship stuffs...no amount of advice or answer from onlookers will get into your head if you choose to follow what you believe...unless you decided to "wake up" yourself...

i hope you can hold on to what you have decided and not get sway by others..but pls do remember to "wake up" if you know this is not leading you anywhere...all the best to you...希望有朝一日您真的會 “守得雲開見月明” :)

[adviseme]

hello everybody

i have posted at least 3 replies but do not see them published. a bit puzzling.

the latest update is: the other woman's husband has found out about the affair. seems very likely that she will divorce him and give him full custody of her son to be with my husband. understandably, my husband wants out fast. however, he has agreed to honour his words and stay put for this period cos i am going through some work pressure and doubt i can handle so much at one go. i honestly dont know how long i am going to take. it isnt fair to my husband but i need the time to speak to counsellor, lawyer and get a grip on the situation. too many things have happended over the this weekend and i am not sure if i am still sane.

as for my son. i know for a fact that he looks forward to having a complete family everyday. husband comes home late (about 9pm, in time for quality time and family prayer before lights off) and i can see the difference in his behaviour. when daddy is home, he will be more animated and happier and he idolises his father. i see his attachment for his dad growing each day and he will ask for his father all the time. in fact when my husband hugged me on staurday night after our "arrangement talk", my son joined in and we had a group hug. the fact that i am losing this fight to keep the family together is tearing my heart. i suspect my son has figured as much that something is wrong. he has asked me why i was unhappy, is it because of daddy? when i asked him why he thought so, he said it was because every time you talk to daddy, you cry. my heart ached for him. being only 5, he tries hard to cheer me up whenever i seem depressed by making me cards and writing me i-love-you notes. but what can i offer him in return now?

i am trying not to indulge in my own feeling of self pity and helplessness. life has to go on. i still have to get back to work and its own problem in another 6 hours' time. i feel helpless because i came from a small family and do not have many close friends. not comfortable to confide such stuffs openly cause i have always prided myself on having a happy family.

it seems husband is determined to go. it is painful, very painful, but what choice do i have now?

so i have to be strong and tomorrow i shall try to make an appointment to see a counsellor myself. i think it is important that i talk to someone, cry it out loud and hopefully get directed to what to do. i am so totally unprepared for this. have also to see the doctor to get some sleeping pills cos these restless nights are killing me. i know i should sleep but the helplessness of my situation keeps me awake.

i am still hoping against hope that my husband will realise the hurt he has caused and will be causing us. i still do not believe that love comes and goes. all marriages go through this stage where routine sets in and we take each other for granted. if we are committed to weather this period through together, and work on it together, we dont have to go down this dreadful path. i am truly broken and disheartened by my husband's determination to follow his notion of love and compatibility (he said he love me and we were compatible when we first met) with no regard to what we have shared and what he is causing. hard to believe but it is true, i have been the best possible wife to him but i guess it is just not enough.

so do pray for me, please. for strength and for wisdom.

and most of all, please pray for my son. he has done nothing wrong.

[adviseme]

hi medusa.

despite all the hurt of knowing he lied, how he was enjoying himself with another woman while i spend endless evenings sitting with our son like a widow, believing that he has to work... i still love him. i guess i am still the traditional woman who, like what you mentioned, marries for life. as his family, i will take him back even after this affair cos i believe a marriage is for life, especially so when a child is at stake here.

but the problem now is, he wont come back. period.

[adviseme]

hello corny123

in a way i am envious of your mom. her efforts bore fruits.

my husband seems determined to go. i guess i need to have the grace to accept his decision and move on. all these seem so surreal. i am not prepared for it and not sure what to do next.

i wish i were in his position, looking forward to a happier future. now my future seems bleak and i have to make it otherwise, for my son's sake.

i wish your mom would talk to me too... cos till now i dare not beak the news to mine. she wont be able to take it.

i feel real alone in this pain. that is why i know i need to see a counsellor quick before this snowballs into something else.

thanks again

[adviseme]

hello lemon

i remember this story and i also recall another one about a chinese property couple where the husband strayed and upon earthquake, protected his cash register while his wife covered him with her own body.

i wish my husband would read these but i know he wont. i cant recall how it started but he doesnt have time or make effort to read long stuffs (other than when they relate to sports or IT gadgets).

i wish there was some way i could do to change his mind, or even open his eyes to see what he is doing to me and his son. but there is only so much i can do. eventually one can only try so hard and when it is still not enough, i guess i will have to let go.

it has been a painful struggle. i am still in shock and denial.

[adviseme]

Dear Spanner

praise the Lord for intervening in your marriage. glory be to God. May He bless your marriage richly and guide you and your wife through your lives together.

I sure can do with some divine intervention now. I have fasted and prayed for 3 days months ago when he was cold towards me. I started fasting and praying again after his confession on Saturday morning. I am waiting for the Lord to help me, in His time. It is painful but I will wait upon Him.

I wish i could give my marriage another go now but it is out of my hands.

I beg you, please pray for me and my son. For He is the only one that can help me now.

[vin69m]

If u know how 2 spell, read n e meaning of e word LOVE, its nothing, every body does. But wen u do really love someone, there is nothing in tis world 2 stop u from making all kind of excuse 2 b wif him. In my case I am married wif my wife 4 18 years, we love each other. One fine day I found out she was having an affair, I was so shock n my mind turn blank. I could not hold back n call tat guy wif my X wife present. I told him if u do love my wife more then me, U can hav her, but we hav 2 meet up (3 of us) n U tell me infont of my face. He chicken out n my X was so sad. She though tat he do loves her. The end story is LOVE is greater then any thing in tis planet, U will do anything bcause off it. 4 one thing I learn, tat in life u hav 2 sacrifice 2 b happy. No matter how much I love her still, wen a person is change there is no return. Unless something tregic happens n learning tat bitter lesson in life, only then I belive tat person is remoseful. I am still waiting 4 tat day n its oridi 4 yrs now. U hav 2 b strong if u really wan back tat relationship. Gd luck 2 U n tread carefully............The day ur spouse is not dead n buried its not urs.

[sleepydog]

I am married 19 years and still love my wife dearly. Temptations? You bet, there have countless. After all I am rich and successful. But I have never been unfaithful, yet :-) I’ll tell you why.

My wife takes very good care of me; makes sure the chef (we have a local cook and a maid) cooks my favourite dishes, prepares me drinks when I am too tired to do it, takes priority with the kids, brings me home-cooked food to the office when I am too busy to come home to eat, makes sure her “free time” belongs to the family, and we do things together as family etc.. I would say the only “inadequacy” she has is not giving me enough sex.

So each time there is temptation, I would feel it wrong to “do it”. In fact, there was this one time with another woman in a hotel room…. I discovered, I was too guilty about it I couldn’t make myself stand!

Men will always be men.. Always seeking new thrills. After so many years of marriage, would you not think any man will not wonder what it is like to have sex with a woman other than his wife? I don’t know a woman’s psyche; but that is what goes on in my mind.

My wife is a career woman herself; rich and successful. So her care and attention to me is not because she is afraid I will stray. Well, maybe that might be one reason, but I think it is because she loves me dearly too.

There was also another time I thought I “fell in love” with this ex-colleague, having met her while out of town and after having a long, long chat at Starbucks till late. It revealed to me how human emotions can play one’s heart. Luckily she did not reciprocate in any romantic way. In fact she did something which annoyed me that this “love emotion” simply disappeared. That “process” lasted only 3 months. I myself was surprised how this false emotional “love” with another can be here one moment and disappear overnight.

So my advice is this: If you still love your husband, hang on. Do not separate or ask him to live somewhere else even for temporary. Dote on him; ALL MEN like that. Be more intimate. Forgive his sins because, like I said, men always like to screw beauties. Whatever you do, do not have an affair yourself (as revenge or to get back at him). Men, DO NOT like that. Hopefully, he will “wake up” soon from this false love. Good luck.

[adviseme]

i wonder how he can still sleep so soundly when i am tossing, turning and eventually getting up.

i wonder how he can continue with his happy life when he can clearly see how he has destroyed mine.

it is really easy to hate him

but i am so weak.

help me.

i need to sleep. i need to sleep. i still have to work and be there for my son tomorrow.

help me.

[CyberRod]

Bro vin69m, I love your signature... That's a motto I live by too... :p

[antiqueglobe]

Love? What is love?

Love is just a feeling within yourself, you feel a longing, want, lust and selfishness for someone. Love will never sustain forever! Its a feeling, and nothing but an emotion. Love is blind (thus the phrase, beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder...) and it clouds your ability to make realistic and calculated judgment.

Love has different languages. Some people see receiving gifts as being loved. Some view touches and having sex as love. Some others prefer to talk and receive compliments from each other. Some just need to spend time with each other. So what kind are you? and what kind is your husband. Are you loving each other the right way?

My parents are divorced as well. Although i don't feel anything now, it was quite saddening initially to know that i belong to a incomplete family. I didn't have a fatherly figure to grow up to... and that is a fact that i still find hard to live with from young.

Love is nothing but an attraction. How to get guys attracted to you? Go watch "The Ugly Truth"! Read "The Game"! "Men are from Mars and women are from Venus"! If everyone in the world is able to understand and tolerate each other's beliefs and expectations, the world would be a much better place!

Relationship takes 2 hands to clap. 1 hand swinging and the other not moving = a slap. After sometime, you will find that you are slapping yourself, slapping yourself hard.

I am not about the right person to tell you which road to take. Nobody on this website is qualified to do so! Not even your counselor, or your parents, or your best friends. We are not you and thus do not understand the situation as well as you do. You need to look within yourself, look without yourself and have him do the same thing together. You two need to come up with a decision and act upon it.

Life is nothing but lessons learnt. Happy events bring you happy lessons and painful events bring you painful ones. It shapes how you behave and how you mature. Ultimately who knows what really will happen 5 yrs down the road? or 10 or 20 yrs? It might be a blessing in disguise that this happened... it might not... who knows?

Ultimately, both of you should know (and understand clearly before making the decision) that whatever the decision, never regret and never look back! If you two decide to work it out, keep going and change for each other. If not, move on and better your own life.

No matter what, Life is short. Smile and stay happy forever!
=)

[sammyboyfor]

i need to sleep. i need to sleep. i still have to work and be there for my son tomorrow.

help me.

Get yourself a new man. In a couple of months, you'll be wondering what all the fuss was about. :p

PS: You're still under moderation so your posts don't appear immediately. Just post ONE copy of each message. It will appear once it clears the moderation queue.

[wahlau]

As I did not go through the entire thread, this may be a repeat of some brothers who have given you the answer.

My advice is "Hang on" to it. He will eventually come to his senses and realise his other relationship is also getting nowhere.

Forget justice. Forget about what's right or wrong or who's at fault. You get what you want if you persist and hang in there. Don't throw the book at him and talk about legal right, etc.

pray for patience, perserverance, love, etc. At the end of the day, he will come crawling back and worship the ground you walk and realise what an idiot he has been.

Believe me. I have seen so many divorced couple lamenting it.

[Plotinus]

As I did not go through the entire thread, this may be a repeat of some brothers who have given you the answer.

My advice is "Hang on" to it. He will eventually come to his senses and realise his other relationship is also getting nowhere.

Forget justice. Forget about what's right or wrong or who's at fault. You get what you want if you persist and hang in there. Don't throw the book at him and talk about legal right, etc.

pray for patience, perserverance, love, etc. At the end of the day, he will come crawling back and worship the ground you walk and realise what an idiot he has been.

Believe me. I have seen so many divorced couple lamenting it.

I agree. My OC hung on to me and I went back to her.

[OC.SIN09]

Hi Sis,

A close friend mine once advised me that things happen for a reason. Though we may not know the reason now, we'll see it when time comes. She believes that the reason is always for the better tomorrow.

So I live by this belief. Whenever I encounter difficulties, I'll just remind myself that this phase will pass soon. I'll emerge out as a stronger person.

Take a deep breath, calm down. If possible, take few hours break from your work, do something to stop your mind from thinking of this problem. With clearer mind, I'm sure you can see the situation in different light.

Most importantly, STOP treating yourself as a victim in this incident. Be strong and start taking charge of your life now!

We are here for you.

Take Care!




i wonder how he can still sleep so soundly when i am tossing, turning and eventually getting up.

i wonder how he can continue with his happy life when he can clearly see how he has destroyed mine.

it is really easy to hate him

but i am so weak.

help me.

i need to sleep. i need to sleep. i still have to work and be there for my son tomorrow.

help me.

[hardcoremayhem]

I am sorry to hear that your problems, xiao mei.

hope that my humble points contribution will clear you out of the moderation phase.

anyway, my 2 baht worth.

The person most affected will be your son. No two ways about it. He will be bewildered as to why is daddy not at home and you are so sullen most of the time. He will be anxious and probably feel unloved and abandoned.

Children are more sensitive than we can imagine.

I believe that as parents, you and your husband must consider the young one. If he moves out, the boy will be confused. Tell him that.

Meanwhile, work your differences out amongst yourselves and honestly, it takes 2 hands to clap and if he does not wish for reconciliation; begging him may not help. He has to search down within himself if he wants to carry on.

Honestly, love is overrated. A marriage is about Commitment also and it takes effort to make that commitment work and again, it takes 2 hands to clap.

Now, to be fair to your husband (and i may sound like a prick here), we have only heard one side of the story - yours. Although your husband may have said that there are no "push" factors in his affair, there definitely would have been. Men will always lie to take the blame on themselves. So i think that you may want to do some soul searching and talking to him about that.

Hope that all work out in the end...

[aczeta76]

i wonder how he can still sleep so soundly when i am tossing, turning and eventually getting up.

i wonder how he can continue with his happy life when he can clearly see how he has destroyed mine.

it is really easy to hate him

but i am so weak.

help me.

i need to sleep. i need to sleep. i still have to work and be there for my son tomorrow.

help me.

Hey there.. please go see the counsellor and stop brooding over it.. it will not help and will only make you more bitter and think and think and think...

Sometimes, there is no answer, no reason, no magical hand deciding your fate.. things just happen and we will all need to cope with it.

Please dun go on sleeping pills 'coz in the long run, u will only get worse...

Take a day off work and go rest your mind, have coffee... wander around the malls and freshen your mind b4 you think more

Hey, I may be younger than you but I have seen my fair share of 'clients' marital woes in my previous life in the social services

So.. hang tough ...

[aczeta76]

I beg you, please pray for me and my son. For He is the only one that can help me now.

The lord will help you but please remember that ultimately, your life is in your hands.

Pray for strength and wisdom but most imptly, pray for love to enter your heart and heal you..

[SR71]

Hi sis, your mail box is full... PM me when you have clear your mailbox... I'll try to help you to get out of this emotional trauma.... :)

[sammyboyfor]

Hi Sis,

A close friend mine once advised me that things happen for a reason.

Huh?:confused: I've never heard such crock in all my life!:eek:

[Spanner]

[QUOTE=adviseme;4147171]Dear Spanner

praise the Lord for intervening in your marriage. glory be to God. May He bless your marriage richly and guide you and your wife through your lives together.

I sure can do with some divine intervention now. I have fasted and prayed for 3 days months ago when he was cold towards me. I started fasting and praying again after his confession on Saturday morning. I am waiting for the Lord to help me, in His time. It is painful but I will wait upon Him.

I wish i could give my marriage another go now but it is out of my hands.

I beg you, please pray for me and my son. For He is the only one that can help me now.[/QUOTE

I will try to pray for your family that your marriage will be save by the Lord. If you can, together with him, seek help from Father Bill Heng (Novena Church). He is currently counselling my wife and me.

Also try your best to go with him for the marriage encounter course. I believe he will go with you.

You can Pm me for his contact number. Take care and God Bless Always.

[ethen]

get on with ur life, even if he is to die tomorrow you will still need to live on with ur son. just be prepared for the worst 3 yrs annulment might just be the way out.

there is a saying;

free the bird, if it fly back its yours,

time will heal all pain.but i the mean time look ahead, though not easy.
for ur son. i believe you can do it.

rgds
ethen

[KingEros]

6 months ago, he finally told me he doesnt feel the same anymore, but denied that there was anybody else...

He finally came clean today. He has been sleeping with a colleague for almost a year now. She is also married, with a young child, has no problem with her husband. ... He does not expect to marry her but decided to come clean as he is tired of hiding and lying.

So far, all you have are affidavits from your husband ... have you actually verified every single thing he tells you? Look, a liar will need more lies to cover up the very first lie ... that's the only truth in this world.

Anyways, some nice lady just mentioned the theory of "everything happens for a reason" ... I understand what she is saying, but I call this same theory "it takes 2 hands to clap".

Look, this is not an issue of your husband cheating on you by engaging some street-walkers for paid sex ... it is an affair with a married woman that has now gone beyond "blame it on a spur-of-a-moment impulsion of my little brother".
I mean, just like your husband was facing the risk of wrecking his own family (specifically, losing the love & respect of his precious son), the married colleague was facing the same ... if she was not facing marital problems (just like your husband was), then why did she allow it to happen? Even if your husband was her sexual fantasy, how did that novelty not wear off after this 1 whole year?

Anyways, what's the point of getting advised of who's right & who's wrong now? The only thing I can deduce from here is that your husband is not doing this for the thrill of it, he is dead serious that he has found a woman whom HE THINKS is much better than you are.
The fact that you are really a better wife, a better mother, a better housekeeper, etc etc ... is IMMATERIAL, at least for the foreseeable future. :rolleyes:

the latest update is: the other woman's husband has found out about the affair. seems very likely that she will divorce him and give him full custody of her son to be with my husband. ...
This is the point of no return already ... simply becoz in your husband's eyes, he had a hand in wrecking this woman's family, so being the man that he is (this is meant as sarcasm, not that I'm on his side), he'll wanna take up the responsibility of taking care of her from here, ever after.
Whether it's from you or a professional counsellor, the reminder to your husband that he also had a hand in wrecking another woman's family will still fall on deaf ears ... why?
One represents the regretted past, one represents the promising future ... which would you pick, if you were him?

Yes, life is this simple ... you just need to know where to look. :rolleyes:

i honestly dont know how long i am going to take. it isnt fair to my husband but i need the time to speak to counsellor, lawyer and get a grip on the situation. too many things have happended over the this weekend and i am not sure if i am still sane.
What you are doing now is still your instinctive defence mechanism (aka self-denial) working overtime ... look at it this way, if your boss tells you he finds you a nuisance & he wants to employ someone else to take over you, would your reaction have been the same?

Like what boss said, get a grip on yourself ... & walk on. Further down the road, you'd start to realise even the air smells sweeter ... remember this: though you lost a husband, you gained a son who's gonna be with you (in mind, body & soul) for years to come.
Hey, wait a minute, you never had your husband to start with ... so what did you really lose?

Most importantly, dun you lose your dignity ... & the strength & courage to live life for your son.
Of course, if you have the occasional sexual urges, you can always come back to this forum to seek help. :eek: :eek:

[naturegreen]

Haha bro KingEros! Great words coming out from a wise experienced man.

[see see only]

HI SIS,

PLEASE HANG ON JUST DONT SIGN ANY PAPER. GIVE YOURSELF & HIM TIME - u posted here becos you wanted an answer on what you should do now. BUT why now? why are both of you rushing for an so-called solution when both of you cant even think well.

He - acting cool and dont care because he is the one who brought out this, he will lose so-called face if he cannot get a solution fast. SO? cool him down let him reconsidered what he had proposed again & again, just dont give him answer.

You - I know, is super hard but keep a simple & clear mind - You are not going to make a decision now remember. And ask him & his so-called gf to cool down as well. Such things need time to rethink & rethink, let them live together if they wanted to BOTH OF THEM WILL SLOWLY MISS THEIR KIDS

If he want to move out, let him. He will rethink of himself and finally cool down. Simply ask him not to rush his decision. Should he come back then forget & forgive, both of you should be mature enough to accept this chapter in life.

Case study:-
My ex-wife dump me out of the house when my business failed - we both did a lot things to hurt each other out of anger. For more than 3 years i hated her, now i dont i somehow pity her.

I remember this 2-3 years after, my two kids grew up and when they are 6 & 7, they asked me why I left mom? I told them your mommy dont want me becos I have no money. Then the next week when i bring them out every sunday, guess what - they both quietly took out their piggy bank and pass to me - and ask me to go back to them.

Tell your hubby, I broke down & cry the whole day - I TOLD them I wish it did not happened but now sorry i cant.

I worked for them real hard - I owned a multi million worth company now but so. I can buy anything they pointed at now but I missed out all the joy a normal father can get. I owned them.

Me no christian but a god believer - GOD created us to reproduce and a real human duty starts when we started to have kids. Tell him & his gf to rethink, yourself as well - just dont rush to anything now - make sure your decision eventually = no regret :)

[Berry]

Both you and your husband should go thru a counselling course(best is those from religious institution, there will sure be a reason why he feel he dont love you anymore. If you dont go thru the counselling session, you will never know if it can patch you back.

Divorce is never an option in my belief, especially bad for your kids...

[bed69man]

Hi, read abt ur situation and i personally think, you should be looking at who's interest you are keen at.

1. With parent going apart, the BIGGEST suffering guy will be the kids. Do "FEEL" for him before your decide.
2. What is holding your back? is LOVE or RESPONSIBILITY?
3. He have no feeling over you, due to, he found a better place to (ENJOY) or.. he felt for someone else, he got to understand, SHE is also married with kids, she will not forgo her family because of him.
4. Best, let sit down and trash all item out. always ask yourself, who suffer the MOST and who are your suppose to "PROTECT".

I hope my 1 cents comment does help you to zoom in on where to start solving it.

Look forward, tomorrow is always better then today:)

[Oralcraz]

as for my son. i know for a fact that he looks forward to having a complete family everyday. husband comes home late (about 9pm, in time for quality time and family prayer before lights off) and i can see the difference in his behaviour. when daddy is home, he will be more animated and happier and he idolises his father. i see his attachment for his dad growing each day and he will ask for his father all the time. in fact when my husband hugged me on staurday night after our "arrangement talk", my son joined in and we had a group hug. the fact that i am losing this fight to keep the family together is tearing my heart. i suspect my son has figured as much that something is wrong. he has asked me why i was unhappy, is it because of daddy? when i asked him why he thought so, he said it was because every time you talk to daddy, you cry. my heart ached for him. being only 5, he tries hard to cheer me up whenever i seem depressed by making me cards and writing me i-love-you notes. but what can i offer him in return now?


I am absolutely sorry for you. I tear when I read the above. I feel for yr son. Even when I'm typing this, my eyes are a little wet as I really feel for him... and b'cos of him, something came into my mind. Have you ever asking yr son to talk to his dad? I am not talking about using him as a "weapon" but he may be the saviour to yr marriage. Or vis-versa, have you ask yr hubby to explain to yr son as he is responsible to do so? Sometimes love for the child could be a miracle. Yes, he may be only 5, but still, end of the day, he has the right to know.

I'm 46, married 19 yrs. Almost divorce during the 6 or 7 yrs period. But it was because of kids, that I decided to "by hook or by crook" live thru the marriage life. To some maybe foolish, but what's on my mind then was the love for the kids. They are here today because of us(wife/hubby). I cannot be so irresponsible and selfish. How I'm/we, (wife and me) is going to live our life is another issue. Kids are innocent and should be given the chance to live a healthy, normal growing up yrs.

Take care and may God bless you all and hopefully may God help you open up his eyes that's "blind" to yr true love.

[darrendon]

I am sorry to hear that your husband had an affair. But then to be fair to him, he is just making a mistake that all men will make. It is only a matter of whether the man can self control and have a high level of commitment towards family. Since he cried in front of you, usually it means that he know he's wrong and he still cares for your feelings. If not, he won't even cry cause he won't feel sad. I believe he is just being covered by his desire, his lust.

In a marriage, love usually evolves into more than plain love. It becomes a commitment towards a family. The love had change into family love more than just couple love. There is difference. I believe he doesn't want to break up this family too. It's a mistake on his part and he knows it. And I believe he regreted it as well. Go for conselling is the best option. And give him sometime to settle down his thoughts. We are all humans and we make mistakes. I believe he is just being confused for the timebeing.

[analog]

Do skip my post if you are not interested but please do not flame me. I am just a desperate woman with nowhere to turn to.

I have been reading some threads from this forum and have been touched by the sincerity of some brothers here and how they offer their help and advice unconditionally. I do not want to go to some cosy forum of weepy women who talk about women's rights. I need advice from the more "mature" crowd who may have gone through my situation and can give me proper advice, from a male perspective, no matter how much pain it might cause me.

Pardon me if this is lengthy but I believe that a full picture is required before any advice can be given.

Me (39) and husband (41) do have our share of ups and downs, having struggled with a 5 yo son. But things have been better now because son is older and less dependent on us. We hardly have any disagreement cos he is always busy at work and I try not to waste our precious time together fighting over trivial issues.

He started his cold treatment towards me for almost 18 months. I believed him when he said it was because of work as he still was the responsible father and husband although he minimised physical contact with me. Sex was at best twice a month and the last time we did it was 2 months ago. I am not an unattractive woman. I jog and work out regularly and have been accosted by men in the gym.

I have tried to talk to him about the cold treatment but he denied problems. Just told me not to think too much. 6 months ago, he finally told me he doesnt feel the same anymore, but denied that there was anybody else. He said he was staying on because of our son. Despite the hurt, I continued to try to make it work. Put up with his cold shoulder, tried to spend more time with him etc. Our relationship had been cordial, share jokes, have meals together, go out as a family etc.

He finally came clean today. He has been sleeping with a colleague for almost a year now. She is also married, with a young child, has no problem with her husband. He told me that I have been a good mother and wife and there was no push factor for his affair. He said they were compatible as they have the same character. He does not expect to marry her but decided to come clean as he is tired of hiding and lying.

I cried but did not lose my composure. Maybe his months of indifference has prepared me for this. I calmly sat down with him and offered him 2 alternatives:

1. split up with her, and we go for counselling. I know I need help to get over this betrayal as much as he needs help to overcome this.

2. he move out, we file for divorce.

He cried with me but told me that it was too late. He told me that even if I have him physically, I cant have his heart cos even though he still cared, he doesnt love me anymore.

My world fell apart.

I still love him, despite everything and am willing to forgive and move on. I also do not want to hurt my son with any selfish action on my part. However, the other half of me told me to let him go and that I deserve better than a dysfunctional family like this.

The strange thing is, after the emotional discussion about arrangements (he will find a place and move out within 2 weeks) we hugged and cried together. I told him to indulge me just this once and he actually made effort to hold my hand and my waist when we went for dinner together.

I am lost. As he lay there sleeping soundly next to me (no we did not have sex prior to that) I tossed and turned. I cant sleep. I cant let him go. I know deep inside his mind, he still cared for me and for the family. He is just clouded by this unattainable love. I am even contemplating taking him back and wait out his affair.

What should I do?

I am really sorry that this post is so long. So sorry but I really need advice.
Hi Advise me:

Ok, read you situation and here is my take.
1. it takes 2 hands to clap,
2. There are 2 sides to every story.

I suggest counselling. You need to find out WHY he felt the need to have the other woman, and I caution you here, you may not like what you find out......about yourself. Or, he may just be a Bill Clinton type of nassistic bastard but usually the reality is somewhere in between.

If you just try and blame him for everything, you'll get no where and just get depressed. You need to look in the mirror very critically. There are reasons for everything.

Questions you must answer:
1. How was sex life?
You need to be honest with yourself about this. Twice a month is crap, sorry. Twice a week is ok but not ideal. You need to be fucking regularly and enjoyably with a bit of variety, it should be like food, you need and hunger for each other. Was it like that?
2. Did you tell him your deepest sexual fantasy and did he tell you his?
This is important as it means you talk ans share your secrets.
3. Did you do anything sexually wild together?
Stuff like doing it in the park, slipping out into the back room of a party, stuff like that.

There was an article in the Straights Times a year or so back from a marriage counsillor that simply laid down the law:
A couple MUST have sex often. if they do, the relationship is fine, if they don't...doom.

This is some advice to the ladies reading this board:
If you want your man NOT to look at other women, keep his sack empty.
What does that mean? if your man is regularly serviced sex wise he won't stray simply because he can't. Women are physically able to fuck almost continuously if they want, men can't. If his sack is emptied daily or every second day, he'll be all fucked out. Keep the sex a bit interesting but there it is. Yes, yes, yes, I know, women's lib, blah, blah, blah. If you want to be a feminist, you'll die alone and miserable as feminists do. Most feminists hate men so don't listen to them. Men are simple creatures, they want food and sex. You, as a wife, should concentrate on the sex, food can get at a coffee shop.

I'm in the same situation with you except my wife is married to her work. it will have to come to a head at some time or another. Your situation has come to a head now.

Do the counsilling and good luck.

Cheers,
jim

[Frankiestine]

Dear TS, do not lose heart, I strongly believe that things are workable between you and your husband. The fact that he confess means he feels guilt and the fact that he cried over this issue with you means it too hurts him to leave you. The fact that the other woman does not intend to leave her family for him makes me only wonder why your husband chose to leave you in the first place. He's wanting to leave is perhaps down to the fact that he feels that he is no longer good enough for you because of his betrayal and cannot bring himself to forgive himself.

I suggest you give each other some room and time to cool things down let him sort out his thoughts. I strongly believe he does not really want to leave you guys. I know because I have been in a similar situation.

[Frankiestine]

Sheesh...

I did not know we have so many damn counsellors here in SBF!!

I really thought we were just a bunch of happy fuckers!!

But we are a bunch of happy fuckers with conscience....:p:p

[Frankiestine]

But God did not agree with us, HE lead us to this course for troubled couples which is called "Marriage Encounter". Its a weekend stay in retreat for married couples, started by the Catholic Community. But trust me, you will see all sorts of religions. Malay couples, Hindu couples, Taoism couples and many more.


It is a Catholic program called Retrouvaille....I have been thru it but I guess my heart wasn't in it cos then I was still "bewitched"...

[corny123]

hello corny123

in a way i am envious of your mom. her efforts bore fruits.

my husband seems determined to go. i guess i need to have the grace to accept his decision and move on. all these seem so surreal. i am not prepared for it and not sure what to do next.

i wish i were in his position, looking forward to a happier future. now my future seems bleak and i have to make it otherwise, for my son's sake.

i wish your mom would talk to me too... cos till now i dare not beak the news to mine. she wont be able to take it.

i feel real alone in this pain. that is why i know i need to see a counsellor quick before this snowballs into something else.

thanks again

Dear Adviseme,

Please please please don't do anything stupid(committing suicide, slid your wrist, hang yourself, drug overdose etc). I was with SPF for my NS, and encounter many cases where the wife committed suicide because of marriage failure, and some even jumped right infront of me, which my partner and myself did not managed to catch her in time. In your current state and condition, it is highly possible that you might do something inevitable. IF you ever think of committing suicide, and have no one to turn to( I hope not), dial 999 and mention to the operator that you wish to commit suicide. Let the police handcuff you, and bring you back to the station, and bring you to IMH for psychology assessment. During the process, you will feel calm and will think better. This is WAY better, than your son losing you but of course, the hassle and charges pressed against you, this is the last resort.

Please talk to someone, your mum, your dad, you siblings, your best friend about it, so that when you're thinking of anything stupid, give them a call, meet them, cry or shout your heart out. Please think of your son, and remember that you're not alone. You have us here, you can PM anyone of us if you wish to meet in person and just talk. You can PM me too, my girlfriend and myself will personally drive down your place to, just listen to you. BTW, my girlfriend empathise your situation as well, after i asked her to read your post. Though my girlfriend is not a psychologist, but she majors in psychology and sociology. She may not give the best of advises, but we can be your listening ear.

It took my mum closed to 6 years before my father finally feel her. Its not just a simple talk and resolve issue, but it takes a long time to cultivate the feelings with your action. But, your husband and my father is not the same person. I don't know how determine your husband is. I hope it turns out for the better, but it doesn't, its not the end of your life Ok.

God bless your pure soul.

[petrolheadsg]

Do skip my post if you are not interested but please do not flame me. I am just a desperate woman with nowhere to turn to.

I have been reading some threads from this forum and have been touched by the sincerity of some brothers here and how they offer their help and advice unconditionally. I do not want to go to some cosy forum of weepy women who talk about women's rights. I need advice from the more "mature" crowd who may have gone through my situation and can give me proper advice, from a male perspective, no matter how much pain it might cause me.

Pardon me if this is lengthy but I believe that a full picture is required before any advice can be given.

Me (39) and husband (41) do have our share of ups and downs, having struggled with a 5 yo son. But things have been better now because son is older and less dependent on us. We hardly have any disagreement cos he is always busy at work and I try not to waste our precious time together fighting over trivial issues.

He started his cold treatment towards me for almost 18 months. I believed him when he said it was because of work as he still was the responsible father and husband although he minimised physical contact with me. Sex was at best twice a month and the last time we did it was 2 months ago. I am not an unattractive woman. I jog and work out regularly and have been accosted by men in the gym.

I have tried to talk to him about the cold treatment but he denied problems. Just told me not to think too much. 6 months ago, he finally told me he doesnt feel the same anymore, but denied that there was anybody else. He said he was staying on because of our son. Despite the hurt, I continued to try to make it work. Put up with his cold shoulder, tried to spend more time with him etc. Our relationship had been cordial, share jokes, have meals together, go out as a family etc.

He finally came clean today. He has been sleeping with a colleague for almost a year now. She is also married, with a young child, has no problem with her husband. He told me that I have been a good mother and wife and there was no push factor for his affair. He said they were compatible as they have the same character. He does not expect to marry her but decided to come clean as he is tired of hiding and lying.

I cried but did not lose my composure. Maybe his months of indifference has prepared me for this. I calmly sat down with him and offered him 2 alternatives:

1. split up with her, and we go for counselling. I know I need help to get over this betrayal as much as he needs help to overcome this.

2. he move out, we file for divorce.

He cried with me but told me that it was too late. He told me that even if I have him physically, I cant have his heart cos even though he still cared, he doesnt love me anymore.

My world fell apart.

I still love him, despite everything and am willing to forgive and move on. I also do not want to hurt my son with any selfish action on my part. However, the other half of me told me to let him go and that I deserve better than a dysfunctional family like this.

The strange thing is, after the emotional discussion about arrangements (he will find a place and move out within 2 weeks) we hugged and cried together. I told him to indulge me just this once and he actually made effort to hold my hand and my waist when we went for dinner together.

I am lost. As he lay there sleeping soundly next to me (no we did not have sex prior to that) I tossed and turned. I cant sleep. I cant let him go. I know deep inside his mind, he still cared for me and for the family. He is just clouded by this unattainable love. I am even contemplating taking him back and wait out his affair.

What should I do?

I am really sorry that this post is so long. So sorry but I really need advice.

I shall preface this first with a few questions...what do you want? what are you willing to give?

Your story has a remarkable number of areas that I can personally identify with ie age group, children, faith(?), both of you are attractive, etc

I wished my spouse had actually posted something like this seeking a man's perspective when a similar event happened to us years ago. I am glad you came here and am more than happy to share my thoughts in the hope that it will help you regain the passion you once shared (or even better than ever before) and the family you so treasure.

If you wish you may pm me to chat further. I think this conversation is much better handled in that manner...and no ...I am NOT hitting on you. I could easily have pm you directly instead of posting this first.

[Frankiestine]

Adviseme, take it from a "guo lai ren" the grass is never greener on the other side. I thought that it was and made the heartless move to divorce my ex-oc. Now that I had taken up a new life with the other woman, it is just another set of problems...many brothers knows about my issue with my current oc. If you ask me did I regret leaving my ex-oc. Yes, when I think back of the hurt that i had caused her, frankly I am ashamed of myself. When I look at my daughter from my first marriage, my heart hurts. Not only because of me leaving her at such a young tender age but also of the way she has grown up, reserved and I am almost a complete stranger to her. If I can move time back, I would have thought through thoroughly on the divorce move....

[petrolheadsg]

Hi Advise me:

Ok, read you situation and here is my take.
1. it takes 2 hands to clap,
2. There are 2 sides to every story.

I suggest counselling. You need to find out WHY he felt the need to have the other woman, and I caution you here, you may not like what you find out......about yourself. Or, he may just be a Bill Clinton type of nassistic bastard but usually the reality is somewhere in between.

If you just try and blame him for everything, you'll get no where and just get depressed. You need to look in the mirror very critically. There are reasons for everything.

Questions you must answer:
1. How was sex life?
You need to be honest with yourself about this. Twice a month is crap, sorry. Twice a week is ok but not ideal. You need to be fucking regularly and enjoyably with a bit of variety, it should be like food, you need and hunger for each other. Was it like that?
2. Did you tell him your deepest sexual fantasy and did he tell you his?
This is important as it means you talk ans share your secrets.
3. Did you do anything sexually wild together?
Stuff like doing it in the park, slipping out into the back room of a party, stuff like that.

There was an article in the Straights Times a year or so back from a marriage counsillor that simply laid down the law:
A couple MUST have sex often. if they do, the relationship is fine, if they don't...doom.

This is some advice to the ladies reading this board:
If you want your man NOT to look at other women, keep his sack empty.
What does that mean? if your man is regularly serviced sex wise he won't stray simply because he can't. Women are physically able to fuck almost continuously if they want, men can't. If his sack is emptied daily or every second day, he'll be all fucked out. Keep the sex a bit interesting but there it is. Yes, yes, yes, I know, women's lib, blah, blah, blah. If you want to be a feminist, you'll die alone and miserable as feminists do. Most feminists hate men so don't listen to them. Men are simple creatures, they want food and sex. You, as a wife, should concentrate on the sex, food can get at a coffee shop.

I'm in the same situation with you except my wife is married to her work. it will have to come to a head at some time or another. Your situation has come to a head now.

Do the counsilling and good luck.

Cheers,
jim

Jim, you are not far from the truth...the other ingredient I would add is the emotional glue that can be gotten from care and affection.
Sex is important...and for us men, we often see that as an extension of care and affection as well.

Yes sex in itself can be wonderful and provided mechanically by others but we want the same or better from our spouses...and why not? Is this not why very often we look for providers who can give that GFE? :-)

[Medusa]

*hugz* *pat* adviseme

sis..how about meeting up some friends and relax urself :)

im having a kopi session this friday...wanna join us TCSS?

[lglg666]

Sorry to hear your troubles with your hubby! Yes....it is always a sad thing when this thing happened whether with kid or no kid involved.

The only advice I can think of now....is to give each other "space" to think carefully what should be the next step in view of your son's interest. While you are at it....maybe you want to do a make-over for yourself or to pamper yourself for a change!

My 2 cents worth! Btw it's not the end of the world for you...I hope and pray for you that there will be better tomorrows
in front of you! Just be strong for your son's and your own sake!

[bloopz]

hello adviseme,

i didnt read through all the advice of samsters here but thought you might wish to consider the following while trying to understand guys point of view.

1) he had been cheating behind your back for 1 year so it is not a 1 night stand or impulsive cheating.. it is a fact that he has strayed thoroughly be it mind or body. he has a certain bond with his "gf" and the ties will not end just like that. it will take time.

2) if both of you had came to conclusion that you wish to divorce, the first person to be affected will be your kid. and also take into consideration, how would you tell both your families? who else in the family knows about the situation? do make sure you consider that as the ending of the marriage affects both families, just like the start of the marriage.

3) if you are to take him back, you need to have the mental preparation that
- you might be able to forgive but cannot forget, which means eg: everytime his phone has sms, you might have the tendency to doubt his words
- trust has to be earned not given. your hubby had betrayed ur trust and he is now taking the easy way out to run away by looking for units. if you really love him and want to continue the relationship and vice cersa, i would highly recommend that he should not move out and both of you should go to a professional counsellor immediately.

god bless and hope everything will turn out fine for you.

[petrolheadsg]

hello adviseme,

i didnt read through all the advice of samsters here but thought you might wish to consider the following while trying to understand guys point of view.

1) he had been cheating behind your back for 1 year so it is not a 1 night stand or impulsive cheating.. it is a fact that he has strayed thoroughly be it mind or body. he has a certain bond with his "gf" and the ties will not end just like that. it will take time.

2) if both of you had came to conclusion that you wish to divorce, the first person to be affected will be your kid. and also take into consideration, how would you tell both your families? who else in the family knows about the situation? do make sure you consider that as the ending of the marriage affects both families, just like the start of the marriage.

3) if you are to take him back, you need to have the mental preparation that
- you might be able to forgive but cannot forget, which means eg: everytime his phone has sms, you might have the tendency to doubt his words
- trust has to be earned not given. your hubby had betrayed ur trust and he is now taking the easy way out to run away by looking for units. if you really love him and want to continue the relationship and vice cersa, i would highly recommend that he should not move out and both of you should go to a professional counsellor immediately.

god bless and hope everything will turn out fine for you.

Your intentions may be good but I dont think you can provide a man's perspective to this. Words like "cheating" to describe the situation dont help things. It inflames hurtful emotions.

[aczeta76]

Your intentions may be good but I dont think you can provide a man's perspective to this. Words like "cheating" to describe the situation dont help things. It inflames hurtful emotions.

true enough bro... it is the time for healing...

[lglg666]

true enough bro... it is the time for healing...

yes....true! not the time to make things worst!

[adviseme]

Hi Kingeros

your "Hey, wait a minute, you never had your husband to start with ... so what did you really lose?" actually gave me strength.

thanks :)

[vin69m]

Tks Bro Cyberod wif ur compliment. I hav 2 say all bro n sis in tis tread do hav their pros n cons. The important factor in a relationship is trust n 4 give, but U must always remember its easy 2 forgive bcause ur love is greater. I hav seen many ppl 4 give thier spouse b not bcause e spouse is remorse but bcause of circumatsnces. B wise n dont let ur emotions rule over U, in tis kind of cases repeat offenders r 99 to 1 b it man or woman. Unless u r sure tis person is remoseful, my advice is live ur life n b happy rather U encounter e same problem wif tat person.

[adviseme]

hi corny123

i am beyond suicidal. i doubt it would change anything if i kill myself. honestly i suspect i am bottling up all my emotions still cos i have not hurl abuse at my husband, plan revenge on him or her or even threaten him. from the time he confessed until now, i managed to control my emotions and talk to my husband calmly, (of course with tears rolling). i just dont want our relationship to sour because of this. he has been my soulmate for almost a decade and has always been gentle and kind to me. i hope this will not snowball to a huge outburst later. that is why i am seeking counselling first.

can you believe this... i have posted my problem on this world wide forum but have only told my younger sister about it. maybe i am just too ashamed of this personal failure.

i am not making myself out to be the victim. i must have contributed in some parts to case my marriage to end up like this. i have been complacent and overly confident of me and us. at least i will carry some learning points away from this episode.

wish me well as i find my footing.
and cherish your gf. not many girls approve sbf. i can imagine the number of woman scorning at me for asking a bunch of chee kor peks (no offence) for help.

[adviseme]

Hi oralcraz

I am trying very hard to shield my son from what we are going through. I cant control the tears very well and I am ashamed of the extent of the damage.

even when son ask "why is daddy always not home" - i would tell him "daddy works hard so that we can buy such and such etc".

so i really dont know how to enlist my son in my fight.

[adviseme]

hi medusa

i wish i could kopi with you. need that support group.

but i work half day, pick son up and becomes a parent for the other half of the day. (we dont have a maid)

but please keep your invitation open. i want to la kopi with you :)

[mistahlolo]

Sis,

You got to stay focus at times of trouble.
When all the talking and discussions you have with him didn't move his mind, I believe its time for a change in all your routines. Time to change for a better.

1.Make your change visible to your husband.
2.Make him feel as though you are trying you best to get over it, even when you weren't ready to.
3.Stay pretty or even prettier.
4.Stay confident. ETC.
Just remember, this changes are not for him. **Its for your own good.** NOT FOR HIM!!!


I am not here to discourage you from fighting for what you should have. I am just giving you another alternative way that you can get back your happy family. Try Reverse Psychology when things don't work the norm. Believe in what you wanna protect (Your kid, your Beautiful family).

The most beautiful diamond you received may not be the flawless one; its the story behind the diamond itself. Feelings inflates the value.

Have faith, it will prevails.

All the best.

[bloopz]

Your intentions may be good but I dont think you can provide a man's perspective to this. Words like "cheating" to describe the situation dont help things. It inflames hurtful emotions.

noted. sorry if it doesnt help. :o
i just hope all the best for TS.

[Erasure]

.....
and cherish your gf. not many girls approve sbf. i can imagine the number of woman scorning at me for asking a bunch of chee kor peks (no offence) for help.

We are no ordinary bunch of Chee Kor peks...we are SBF Chee Kor Peks...we service with a smile and provide good advice....

We are from all walks of life here...some are doctors, professor, counsellor...ah beng, ah seng etc....that's what makes SBF so popular and power cux we don't just entertain any pussies who ask us questions...;)

[Medusa]

hi medusa

i wish i could kopi with you. need that support group.

but i work half day, pick son up and becomes a parent for the other half of the day. (we dont have a maid)

but please keep your invitation open. i want to la kopi with you :)

sure sure...we always welcome you...prolly you can see whether your mum is free for 1 night to look after your boy...lets relax together since its 中秋節。。。就讓我們陪你人月團圓 ;)

[HotSpot881]

hi corny123

....

wish me well as i find my footing.
and cherish your gf. not many girls approve sbf. i can imagine the number of woman scorning at me for asking a bunch of chee kor peks (no offence) for help.

If u as a lady can seek advise here, what made u think he is not one of the bro here too...also seeking advise

Did u ever wonder if one of the respondance here is your husband ?

I had such problem as well..not bcos i did something wrong..

[Bangster]

...i can imagine the number of woman scorning at me for asking a bunch of chee kor peks (no offence) for help.

Those women will be exactly the ones who would find their spouses straying, bloody hell always think so highly of themselves....KA PUI!!!

Ooops sorry..got carried away.

Anyways Sis Adviseme,

Please be strong. I admire your strength to keep calm when confronting your hubby and I hope you do not crumble in these hard times. I am not good with dispensing advice, let alone understand your situation. Or vice versa. Or, whatever lah I just said I'm not good with that.

Your boy, I can tell he's a strong little fellow with a high EQ when he grows up. I remember when I was small and I witnessed my parents quarrelling and fighting, and I totally understood what was going on but it's just that I haven't learn that many words to express myself then. Your boy he could make you lovely cards and all, I mean he really is a darling, ain't he??! I couldn't even manage offering my mom tissue papers back then.

Be strong for your boy. Focus all your attention on him. He needs it. Manage your emotions well. Sometimes it may mean hiding the hurt, I donno. But if you need to cry out, you know where to head. HERE IN SBF OF COURSE!!!

We bunch of happy fuckers would be more than happy to be your pillars of strength and counsellors(bar me). I hope I can make you laugh though.

SBF BRUDDERS, CORRECT OR NOT?

[webb_doc]

Hi adviseme,

My humble advised.

1)Be strong and positive in what you are doing.Suicidal thinking shd be cast away far far as you got a son who need your support.

2)Your husband had a relationship with the girl for 1 year and I dont think he can let go of the girl just like that.He sure to have a deep feeling for her and towards you,he just feel a sense of responsibility towards his family.The only reason he is still not with that gerl is most likely the gerl doesnt want to leave the husband and he doesnt want to make it complicated and u are his easy way out shd he fall back.

3)Tell the whole family he is the troublemaker so you can feel at ease should you cross path with them.It is best to attack than to defend.Dont let people wrongly accused you especially people on his side.

4)Letting someone you love is hard I know as i been through it b4 too..but Im sure in a long run,you be able to jst like me...PM me if need my humble tot again..Hope you make a wise decision..

[smokinggun]

End of the day it's still "home sweet home" for Men... for one reason or another. Whether you can wait for that day to come and take him in by then its another matter. Anw all the best to you TS. ;)

[alvinechipmonk]

i tink just divorce him and get on with life. if he loves u, he would have realised his mistake, take it like a man and come back, no relationship with that colleague and beg for ur forgiveness.

he just cant bear to live w/o that colleague, wadever it is, 1 yr is still fresh for him. he just wants to have the best of both worlds.

[dormant]

Maybe he is merely guilty of his misdeeds which he felt are unpardonable. Leaving is just an escape.

[Softcore]

As the child of divorced parents, I can tell you that you'll either wither like a flower due to self-pity or toughen the fuck up. It can go both ways depending on the individual.

[Frankiestine]

can you believe this... i have posted my problem on this world wide forum but have only told my younger sister about it. maybe i am just too ashamed of this personal failure.
I probably sounding very much a hypocrite considering i am no saint......but why should you be ashamed, it is not your fault don't start feeling guilty cos the guilt is his not yours...

i am not making myself out to be the victim. i must have contributed in some parts to case my marriage to end up like this. i have been complacent and overly confident of me and us. at least i will carry some learning points away from this episode.
Sista your response is the same as my ex-oc, she too started blaming herself for me straying. Have she neglected me etc. But that is the last thing you should do. Feeling guilty..

[lglg666]

so i really dont know how to enlist my son in my fight.

My advice is not to get him involved in this....he may grow-up
hating both of you in future or for his own screw-ups!

You are right to shield him....but slowly he too will understand
the situation and when he asks, then tell him accordingly and
not just from your point of view.

I am speaking from my own experience....as I'm from a broken
home too and only lately I come to understand why when both
my parents have passed away!

My 2 cents worth...

[HCKing]

hi corny123

i am beyond suicidal. i doubt it would change anything if i kill myself. honestly i suspect i am bottling up all my emotions still cos i have not hurl abuse at my husband, plan revenge on him or her or even threaten him. from the time he confessed until now, i managed to control my emotions and talk to my husband calmly, (of course with tears rolling). i just dont want our relationship to sour because of this. he has been my soulmate for almost a decade and has always been gentle and kind to me. i hope this will not snowball to a huge outburst later. that is why i am seeking counselling first.

can you believe this... i have posted my problem on this world wide forum but have only told my younger sister about it. maybe i am just too ashamed of this personal failure.

i am not making myself out to be the victim. i must have contributed in some parts to case my marriage to end up like this. i have been complacent and overly confident of me and us. at least i will carry some learning points away from this episode.

wish me well as i find my footing.
and cherish your gf. not many girls approve sbf. i can imagine the number of woman scorning at me for asking a bunch of chee kor peks (no offence) for help.

no need to feel ashamed of the failure as i believe there r many many many similar cases out there, difference is that yr husband has decided to call it quit while the rest r still either tolerating, trying hard to compromise or seeking alternatives outside secretly. try talking to yr husband calmly and ask him what he really wants. he might have other reason to call it quit.

[Oralcraz]

Hi oralcraz
I am trying very hard to shield my son from what we are going through. I cant control the tears very well and I am ashamed of the extent of the damage.
even when son ask "why is daddy always not home" - i would tell him "daddy works hard so that we can buy such and such etc".
so i really dont know how to enlist my son in my fight.

Yes, honestly, sincerely, I can understand. Is painful and hurting if your son get involve especially he is so young, innocent and don't even really understand. However, yr situation seems like "no turning back" and you seems very determine to keep the family intact. What I'm trying to put across is that hopefully, yr husband LOVE for the son (as a last resort) can turn the situation around for you. The main concern for you is to hold him back ..... for as long as it can be. What comes next, how you want to manage the relationship, how you want to change and start afresh with him or how is he going to react is another issue.

I mentioned again, my son was six when I almost divorce my wife. Just can't take it anymore. I was like going to work with "eye bag" and "like to stay away from home as much as possible." However, even when I was having a fling, my heart and mind is still thinking about home ... my son. I did not grow up in a happy family and I was determine not to let my children grow up like what I've gone thru. It was this love for my son that woke me up. I began to calm myself and have a good thought. I began to priorities myself and be more practical and objective. Finally, I decided to "see more open", bite the bullet and stay on. Today, is already coming to 19 yrs on my marriage ....., I can say that I did not regret. My wife relationship and me is not fantastic, but manageable, even though sex is not on our agenda.

Well hopefully you hubby is reading this, hi adviseme hubby, think again carefully, I believe you have a thoughtful and understanding wife. Family priorities always come first. There is no perfect match ... only if we want to match it. I have a few divorced friends who re-marry. They are not really that happy after all. Worse, still have to take care of two family.

Take care.

[newyorker88]

my personal opinion as a samster... if this is his first affair then he'll be very confused and feeling guilty now... try not to push him into a decision by offering fixed alternatives like the above. instead, stay together first and work it out since both of you obviously still care for each other and your son... i think you should wait out his affair. it should not last long since she is happily married anyway... i dont believe in rushing things. you can decide to divorce later if this marriage cannot be worked out. all the best

I agree too. An affair is just a while, while marriage is for life. Sooner or later, the other woman husband will find out too, and the other woman will have to break with your husband, if she chose her husband.

It is obvious that you are going thru a rough patch, and so it your husband, whom still love you and is brave enough to split the beans. no matter how dark the night may be, the sun will still rise again.

Take care of your kid, as he will be the biggest victim if both of you decide to break apart or quarrel. Kids are sensative, even if both of you dont quarrel, the kid is able to pick up the vibrations tat something is wrong in the family.

Have a talk with your husband. There may be short comings where both of you need to address.

Best of luck.

[sammyboyfor]

My advice to "adviseme" is to post your message in SingaporeBrides: A Singapore Wedding Directory for the Singapore Wedding Couples (http://www.singaporebrides.com) and http://flowerpod.com.sg in order to get feedback from a female perspective.

[geckoSG]

even when son ask "why is daddy always not home" - i would tell him "daddy works hard so that we can buy such and such etc".

so i really dont know how to enlist my son in my fight.

Dun worry, kids are smart nowsaday, they will know, it will be a tough road
ahead for you, but u must stay strong for yourself and your kid.

Teach the right value to your kid, that's important. Only hope is that the
father is responsible enough to his own kids. They are innocent in this ring
of ADULT affairs.

Right now, you need more support from family and friends, bring your kid
along and mix with the other friends you have.

Sooner or later, your kid will know that dad & mum are seperated, etc...
Be strong. Keep your faith there!

[spready]

Sis Adviseme,

think by now many of SBF senior bros have already dished out their experience and i supposed you should have a rough idea on hw you wish to handle this situation.

But no matter what happens please think of your son as he is the most innocent and he defintely has the right to spend his childhood days happily. Your husband has already caused some confusion n fear in him and the last thing you should think off is to inflict more pain on him.

having sucidal thoughts won't help anything and as a fire fighter during my NS days especially those who jumped down from high buildings are a ugly sight. I don't think you would want your son to handle this by his own.

hope my 0.02 cents of worth helped.

All the best to you!!

[adviseme]

dear everybody

i am really thankful for all the advice and support. i am especially touched by the sharing of personal experiences which i believe open up some partially healed wounds. thank you for sharing so unreservedly. i found strength and hope in them.

i am still waiting for a counselling appointment but i guess i am on the right track. i am still toggling between feeling strong one day and breaking down another. my current target is to eat and sleep. i need to be physically well to fight this mental war.

forum mod is right. it is now time to close this thread and to move on in real life. i thank everybody for being there when i needed to rant and i truly appreciate the few regulars that are fortresses of strength for me.

i hope this thread helps everybody see the extent of hurt a break up may cause. i would not wish this upon anybody, even my worse enemies.

so i am moving on, and really, samsters you have proven that i was right in asking for advice here.

God bless everybody and your marriages.

[KingEros]

Hi Kingeros

your "Hey, wait a minute, you never had your husband to start with ... so what did you really lose?" actually gave me strength.

thanks :)
My pleasure ... if this is the "rocket fuel" you need every now & then until you find your footing, you know where to look me up. :D


can you believe this... i have posted my problem on this world wide forum but have only told my younger sister about it. maybe i am just too ashamed of this personal failure.
This is all sooooo wrong ... but maybe it's just the Asian/Chinese mentality.
Trust me, coz I've also been through a broken marriage before ... looking back, I still link it with "a waste of time & money", "an investment which went totally wrong" but NEVER as a failure on my resume.

I look at it this way ... if you've neither lived in the Halls nor sat for a couple of Supplementary papers, you cannot count yourself to have completely experenced campus life.
Same here, you are now a colourfully better person ... compared to those who only managed a "& they lived happily ever after" in their lifetime. ;)

... not many girls approve sbf. i can imagine the number of woman scorning at me for asking a bunch of chee kor peks (no offence) for help.
Scorned or otherwise, you certainly did the right thing ... why would you wanna discuss your options (of how to handle a broken marriage) with any person who only knew of "happily after" marriages?
I remember you stated very clearly in your first posting that you do not want to be seeking solace amongst a bunch of weeping pussies ... or something to that effect, agree? :rolleyes:

[relic88]

Hi sis, all the best for you.

[aczeta76]

All the best.. u know where to look if you need advuce

[eboy]

a 5 star thread,

TS hope there will be a light for u at the end of the tunnel.:o

[NewandLost]

Sista, I think you need to just let it all go and find your own life instead of staying with someobody that cheated you. Bad for your son but if he is a good father he will still be financially and emotionally responsible and you can find a new husband who is better for you.

[oubboss]

Sadly but truly a divorced mom with kid will have less chance of getting remarried .

[Oralcraz]

dear everybody
i am really thankful for all the advice and support. i am especially touched by the sharing of personal experiences which i believe open up some partially healed wounds. thank you for sharing so unreservedly. i found strength and hope in them.
i am still waiting for a counselling appointment but i guess i am on the right track. i am still toggling between feeling strong one day and breaking down another. my current target is to eat and sleep. i need to be physically well to fight this mental war.
forum mod is right. it is now time to close this thread and to move on in real life. i thank everybody for being there when i needed to rant and i truly appreciate the few regulars that are fortresses of strength for me.
i hope this thread helps everybody see the extent of hurt a break up may cause. i would not wish this upon anybody, even my worse enemies.
so i am moving on, and really, samsters you have proven that i was right in asking for advice here.
God bless everybody and your marriages.

Best Wishes.:)

[simple2kee]

so i am moving on, and really, samsters you have proven that i was right in asking for advice here.

sis adviseme, yes move on steadily. steady lah, this the right attitude!

[ol'coyote]

dear everybody

i am really thankful for all the advice and support. i am especially touched by the sharing of personal experiences which i believe open up some partially healed wounds. thank you for sharing so unreservedly. i found strength and hope in them.
.
.
.
so i am moving on, and really, samsters you have proven that i was right in asking for advice here.

God bless everybody and your marriages.

dear adviseme...
good to hear that you are moving on...
this thread will certainly be useful to others who are going thru similiar experiences...
and God bless you too...

[_AXL_]

as much as u felt burdened to reply me, i m very sorry i didnt catch your post cos i skimmed thru your thread without looking carefully. had some time today, so i took the time to read thru all your posts. only then i realised your reply to my post.

Hi, I feel burdened to reply you.

ya I guess I let self pity envelope me before thinking from his perspective.

it is human nature to let self pity to set in. i guess that since your husband cannot be the rational one here, u have to step in, wear the bloody pants and explore the alternatives. no time for self pity. but u can have a lot of time for that when this matter is resolved.

however, the crux lies why he actually did that to you? again, i m not saying that the fault lies with u, but why???
trust me, I wish I knew why too

u need to open your mouth and ask him. think u deserve that, after what u have gone thru for him. marriage, pregnancy, post natal blues, the difficulty of taking care of your child... think he owes u an explanation, to say the very least.

1. u said u talked to him and he told u 6 mths back that he no longer feels anything for u. i m sure a guy would not tell u that the 1st time u ask. did u bug him for a long time before he finally confessed?
guilty as charged

hindsight bias here. i guessed u were hurt but didnt really see the need to sit down with him again to see how the both of u could work towards salvaging the marriage. it showed a total lack of communication when only u were trying to do something here. 2 parties to make a marriage work.

2. although u try not to quarrel over trivial matters, did these quarrels still happen often?
no quarrels at all, hard to believe but true

I m sure your friends would tell u that this is actually a red flag. no quarrels means no communication... or worse, u dont care anymore.

3. out of curiosity, why did u say that both of u struggled with your 5 yo son???
other than the normal teething problem of having an additional member in the household, we had no help from family, no maid, and I suffered from post natal blues

common issues, but nonetheless not easy to settle. u need to get someone take your son off your hands once in a while. that's when your family comes into play.

4. were the gym sessions for him or for yourself???
myself

for yourself to look good??? did your husband object to it before the affair??? dont reply me this. think about it yourself. most women i see in the gyms are going there for the wrong reasons.

5. after his confessions that he didnt feel for u anymore, were u the only one who tried to kickstart the marriage again???
sadly, yes

this is like playing tennis alone. u can only play with the wall. u will almost come up to a wall or end up losing the ball.

colleagues are very dangerous. your husband spends a minimum of 8 waking hours everyday at work. probably much more waking hours than at home. when problems arise at work, his colleagues would be able to emphatise better than u. agreed???
he spends 13-14 hours in the office 5 days a week, so yes, I fully agree

so, if u have the chance to do this again, what would u have done differently??? my wife and i regularly visit each other at our offices, got to know the colleagues. why??? to become friends. so that any colleague who wants to come inbetween us will have to wrong a friend, instead of a faceless name.

i stopped bugging him and naively believed that maybe our routine-ness made he stop feeling for me. i was going out for my morning jog this morning when suddenly he came and confessed. strange but true.

very strange indeed.

I thought I could rekindle flames if there wasnt anybody else. However if there was, I doubt I could compete with a sweet romantic somebody else with my routine and daily living stuffs.

think u need to rethink again. having someone to compete is not the end of the world. the end of the world came 6 months ago when your husband told u he didnt love u anymore, and again when he told u recently when he wants out. dont think of the woman now. dont think of her existence. then work out your issues.

i m just thinking, committing adultery doesnt mean that he doesnt love u. there r tons of men out there (and in here) who engages in paid sex but love their wives and children to bits. isnt the loss of feelings the bigger problem here???
In a way you are right but I guess he strayed cos he lost his feelings

no need to find excuses for him. he has to answer for his own indiscretion.

no man can love a woman forever. the love will fade, and that's when lust for other women takes over. he is then measured by whether he can overcome them or succumb to them.
yes, I fully agree. He seems determined to leave me for her. I have told him that he needs to work on this else she will go through what I am going through now.

and break up another marriage??? he sounds very selfish, only caring for his own happiness. of course, we do not know what the other woman thinks about this. and he has not thought out whether he can afford it in the first place, probably having to pay maintenance every month for u and your child.

your husband must know that a marriage will grow. love is the reason u got together. the love will grow into companionship and friendship. not the normal companionship, but the trust that both of u would stick by each other, for better or for worse. the kind of companionship that would last a lifetime, the kind of companionship that would equip each other with the confidence to face the big bad world, the kind of companionship that offers mutual support which makes the kind of shit u have to take all worth it. simply the kind that one can never get from PRC prostitutes or happily married colleagues.and friendship is not the friendship u make with your bros/sistas u go drinking or shopping with. the kind of best friend who can share your deepest fears and insecurities, and yet not make u less of a man or woman. your biggest fan and your biggest supporter. and newsflash: it takes 2 to work.
Reading this made me tear. I wish he would listen to this.

then tell it to him. obviously, he doesnt know about marriage. he doesnt know about responsibilities. he doesnt know the meaning of the sacred marriage vows. neither did i.

nagging is a man's biggest fear. your words, though humbly seeking help, is still shining with strength and pride. it is good generally to have these strengths, but the current situation calls for u to put them down and solve these issues with your husband.
i dont nag, really, cos i know it only makes the man shut off completely. and yes, we do calmly talk about the issue at hand.

if this is true, he has no excuses to stray other than his own. actually, that might also be the reason why u never quarrel. cos u r too logical and calm. it is good to quarrel sometimes. to show that your man is actually listening and is passionate enough to make his point across to u.

dont hesitate to seek professional help but only if both of u are really comfortable with it.he refused counselling cos he said his mind is made up.

nah, he is only embarrassed to face up to his misdeeds to another person. there is another arsehole way to it. do both your families know about this??? if he is not a very determined person or respects your in-laws very much, it would be good to ask them to come into the picture. dont think that u r not playing fair when u do this. nothing is fair in love and war. moreover, he isnt being very fair to u in the first place.

i m sorry if i offended u. my wife and i hope that both of u work it out and do not have to resort to divorce. no, please i am not offended at all. in an way i envy your wife cos you are committed to your marriage, mine wasnt. things are not optimistic right now and i guess I can only try so much, eventually, I need to have the grace to let go.

envy??? i had an affair before my marriage. i was caught and she told me to break it off, thinking she was someone after money. i broke it off but carried on again after my marriage. why??? i was overwhelmed with my mistress' love for me. she was determined to have me but not ask for anything in return. she has never tried to break up my marriage. but i was caught again after the birth of my son. my wife forgave me again without any reservations, cos she said i admitted to my failings without any reservations as well. i broke it off for good. we are never better now, but it took a big crisis for me to wake up my bloody idea. and it took a damn big heart from my wife to wipe my slate clean. u have that same heart. but your husband havent wake up. it is now up to u to wake up his idea.

and those words that brought u tears??? from my parents.

oh, if u r not so comfortable to share your feelings in plain view, my pm is open for u. cheers.

[Real07]

dear everybody

i am really thankful for all the advice and support. i am especially touched by the sharing of personal experiences which i believe open up some partially healed wounds. thank you for sharing so unreservedly. i found strength and hope in them.

i am still waiting for a counselling appointment but i guess i am on the right track. i am still toggling between feeling strong one day and breaking down another. my current target is to eat and sleep. i need to be physically well to fight this mental war.

forum mod is right. it is now time to close this thread and to move on in real life. i thank everybody for being there when i needed to rant and i truly appreciate the few regulars that are fortresses of strength for me.

i hope this thread helps everybody see the extent of hurt a break up may cause. i would not wish this upon anybody, even my worse enemies.

so i am moving on, and really, samsters you have proven that i was right in asking for advice here.

God bless everybody and your marriages.

Dear Sister all the best to you too.

We are not saint everyone of us may make mistake some day, why can't we forgive and forget with an open heart. :)

May God Bless you.

[legaia]

hi, i cant give much advise cos im still single. but i really hope u can get past this tough patch in yr life.

always look forward, there are other things to live for.

[oubboss]

Every time u fall down and get up u will be stronger .

It's life learning curve

Take care

[pastandnow]

It may do you good if you two separate for a while.

Let you clear your mind and let him clear his too.

He will still look for her no matter what. (unless you want to track her down with a pi. But will it really help?
Hate will only bring more misery to all the parties involved.)
Giving in, by closing 1 eye, doesnt help as well.

Are you consious abt the trend and fasion and whats happening around the world?
Do you dress up with fasion and do make up occasionally?

Crudely, a hsewife Vs a trendy working women. Who will attract him more?
Most men will go for a trendy working women.
Definitely there are alot of stuff to talk abt, compare to you. Who have been around him for so so long.

Would you spend more time, playing with a new handphone or a old one?

Give yourself a break, change your current dressing and life style and mix with more new friends and go learn something new.

Unless he is aware what he is loosing, you wont get him back. What is the point having him physically but without his hearth there for you.

[Wins88]

Dear TS, I just happened to chance upon your thread and I hope you dun mind me giving you my 2 cents worth.

1) In many failed marriages, the flimsy reason used to stick together is commonly - "The children". However, have you ever thought that a impressionable 5 year old will see a loveless marriage as a norm? I think sticking together through a loveless marriage for the "sake" of the children will do more harm than good.

2) Your husband's (or soon to be ex-husband) head is not screwed on right. Gather evidence of his cheating and let him go, grant him a divorce. If he is lucky, he will see the light later.

3) BE strong, as you have a long road with a bright future ahead together with you child. You have many years to enjoy watching your son grow up and become a good man.

I wish you well and the best of luck.

[saintdevil]

think my advise might have come a little late.
Sorry haven been logging in here for a while busy with real life.

Sis advise me,

allow to me say this.. there is no better way to solve a issue than to face the truth.

Your husband and someone else's wife is hooking up.

in that sense, its no longer a 3 person issue. 2 family are at the verge of breaking up because of 2 person's passion. Does the other side of the family.. aka the colleague's husband know about this yet? maybe you should let them know as to make things come into the light.

There is no right and wrong in everything we do, but every decision we make we alone have to bear the consequences.

Your husband tired of hiding? How about you tired of guessing?
If he has come clean hoping to save the marriage, then by all means be with him.
But no.. he come clean hoping he never have to hide anymore.
What is he after? he can now come back home late without finding excuse? you ask him where he go, he will just say mating with his colleague?

in short,
If he is sorry and want back, forgive him move on.
if he is not then
1. you can accept sharing him with another,
continue as you are
2. you cant accept then move on.
get a divorce, its better then keeping a body without a soul.

[yang punk]

My advice to "adviseme" is to post your message in SingaporeBrides: A Singapore Wedding Directory for the Singapore Wedding Couples (http://www.singaporebrides.com) and http://flowerpod.com.sg in order to get feedback from a female perspective.

Hey Sam...give her a break lah. The fact that this thread is getting so much response means that we fuckers here don't mind to have her seeking advice here. Her problem has to do with sex...her husband needs for thrill in the office, his lover's need for the orgasms which she can't get from her hubby who may also be screwing around behind her back...and finally TS herself because of religion, old fashion upbringing, etc., may be a prude in bed.

See...it all boils down to sex! Too much or too little... I believe this thread not only may be useful to TS but to many of us too...sometimes our conscience needs to be prick every now and then!

[bunnyrabbit]

well let's look at this from another side..

all along the topic have been the husband infidelity..what about we look at her situation as well? maybe things have happen between them that we do not know about. her family pressure on him? extra incessant nagging about things that are not important? what makes a man escape from the house and reality is the challenges of having the pressure to meet expectations, yet the wife only knows how to expects more and more..

sometimes when the wife family problems crops up, the wife would wants the husband to solve it for her. this is all good provided that it is one that he can solved. if the wife starts blaming him cos he cannot solve it, thru no fault of his and not only once, do you think that he would want to explain and face it? we all know gals like to pin the blame on someone else instead of themselves, not all but most of them.

can you really blame the husband for eating out? yes this is wrong but when you are home wishing for someone to hear you out, what you get is nags plus problems of not your own? i rather stay away and work rather than go home..

it really takes along time for some thing to happen before a guy really stay away from his child and home. who does not want to see his child smile and hug him when he back from a days work?

[freebiez]

i have been the unfaithful one before and i came clean too...but after much fight n counselling, it still takes 2 hands to clap and the 2 of you must really work it out. we stuck with each other n managed to have a happier non fighting moment anymore...understand the needs n feelings of each other better after the huge fight.

1 more thing, wife gave me her 1st CIM n tries to wear more sexy lingerie than before..even better sex than before too...u might wanna give it a shot.

[Unrepented]

hi corny123

wish me well as i find my footing.
and cherish your gf. not many girls approve sbf. i can imagine the number of woman scorning at me for asking a bunch of chee kor peks (no offence) for help.

Hi,

I empathize anyone who is in your predicament.

1. For me, I do not take offence in your comment in the quote above. Men who don't post in the sbf are also chee kor peks. In a nutshell, out of 10 men, 9.5 are chee kor peks regardless whether they post here or not. Otherwise, where all babies come from? (except those thru artifical means). Difference in men lies in the skill and discipline in "Self Management and Impression Management".

2. Pertaining to your case, my advise is do not "Force or Threaten". Men's ego will not find it appatizing. And importantly, "Do not BEG" this will place you in a disadvantaged position, both current and future.

3. Remember Uncle Sam's "Tips for samsters"

[Frankiestine]

People Elvis has already left the building...time to let this thread die a natural death..

[tigerbob]

Hi,

Please don't feel sad about the issue. Afterall, it is your husband who is not fateful towards you. Just think about your 5 years son...he meant more than your useless husband...getting in an affairs with other woman.

I wish you the best...it would be good to end this relationship early if it really can't work it out.

[Lauteko]

My advice to "adviseme" is to post your message in SingaporeBrides: A Singapore Wedding Directory for the Singapore Wedding Couples (http://www.singaporebrides.com) and http://flowerpod.com.sg in order to get feedback from a female perspective.

I do agree with sammyboyfor for this issue. Don't rely entirely on advise you received here. We are no expert. Many of us here are just more interested in juicy stuff instead of giving advise. But I do see some bros here giving some advise the best they know how. Again, it's not the best as prescribed by expert. Just take whatever given here with a pinch of salt. :o