a different path.

[love_mayo]

note : im a newbie writer and sucks at erotic stories so please dont be expecting steamy stories ok? >.< its more of like i just wanna rant about life etc... *laughs*

just a little introduction about my life "now".

i'm 22 years old, barely out of a relationship which lasted for 2 years. most of this story would revolve around this 2 yrs relationship of mine since this bf of mine changed me the most. lets call him SY. we're now almost like strangers in a way, and i know he is desperate to get out of this relationship but being as sentimental as i am, i am unwilling to let go. perhaps its out of love, or maybe just out of hatred that i am holding on to him like a leech. no i'm not sucking money from him (neither does he have that much money to attract me), and he is not good looking nor good in bed, but sometimes like they say, love is blind.

for almost 2 years i was an obedient girlfriend. we got into fights time and again, he'd hit me time and again.. but despite all that i was like under a curse, under a spell, nothing seems to pull me away from him. once we fought so badly he slapped me so hard i just passed out. but hours later we'd hold hands and go to the nearby denny's for dinner. that was our way of survival it seems.

被虐待狂爱上虐待狂。 bros whom understand chinese should know what this means.

and so it got on and on, somewhere end last year i was pregnant with his child, but we got into a fight and he gave me a kick on the tummy, and that was the end. but despite that, we continued this torturous relationship which outsiders could never understand.

i am simple, or at least i was simple and used to be simple. i loved him deeply and i thought so long as i behaved and try to accomodate to everything he says, we could work things out. but things never change, it seems he was never contented with me right from the start...

爱上一个永远不懂得回家的男人，一开始就是一种悲哀…

[connector]

懂得离开这样一个男人，就是解脱的开始:)

[DeathGod69]

LOVE IS BLIND ....
There is no way, a gentleman would beat up a women.

[sadsky18]

if this story is true , i only can say i pity you .
i agree love is blind .
but not to the extend of putting your life in danger .
please wake up my friend .
there are plenty of good guys outside ( i mean outside SBF )
:)

[naturegreen]

Please continue with your ranting. I am camping for more. ;)

[charming888]

Please continue with your ranting. I am camping for more. ;)

sister mayo, guy will never beat up a gal in watever situation. maybe we can be frenz & i bring you to the right path

[love_mayo]

懂得离开这样一个男人，就是解脱的开始:)

我已经离开他了，虽然还不能说我已经获得解脱，不过我已经在毫无选择的情况下离开他了。今天是他的生日…我 还是发了封SMS说了一句简单的HAPPY BIRTHDAY。

去年的今天，我们一起简单的庆祝了…

LOVE IS BLIND ....
There is no way, a gentleman would beat up a women.

if this story is true , i only can say i pity you .
i agree love is blind .
but not to the extend of putting your life in danger .
please wake up my friend .
there are plenty of good guys outside ( i mean outside SBF )
:)

nahs i no longer believe in 'good guys'. i mean, i do believe they exist but i dont wanna believe i can find one anymore.

as for the fighting part, i guess both of us are too fiery tempered, just like the song goes, when a tornado meets a volcanoe.

Please continue with your ranting. I am camping for more. ;)

continuing after this. (:

sister mayo, guy will never beat up a gal in watever situation. maybe we can be frenz & i bring you to the right path

thanks.
am enjoying my path now even though its not right (:
stay tuned.

[love_mayo]

Confidence.

I hated being myself right from a young age. (not that i am very old now lah....), my face, my body, everything is just not right. in fact i belong to the 'big' category, and i really hated that. in school i was called all kinda ugly names and such, and all that made me detest myself even more. luckily for me, over the years i do have afew friends that really accepted me the way i am, and i am really grateful to them. so during secondary school days, me and 2 other besties of mine stick to each other most of the time. (even till now we do.)

during secondary school days, i am a complete wreck. i had that kinda boring pony tail hair, wears a big big sch u, totally 'follow-the-school-rule' kinda girl, the only rule i ever broke was bringing handphones when we're not allowed to. and just like everyone else, i had my fair share of school crushes. (but sadly i never got to start a r/s wif anyone of them). and in fact one of these crush totally crushed my remaining tiny whiny bit of self confidence when the rumour get out of hand and people start saying things like how could someone so 'omfgugly' like me would even think about getting him. (forget it hes not that hot either now that i think back).

so the 4 years went past.
lucky enough for me, i had a good class throughout my 4 years in sec school. the laughing issues stopped after a good while and we became talking classmates, having fun together, skipping remedial lessons, blablabla... (im sure most of us here have those happy memories hor? till now still will look back and dream about going back to school days. so much for wanting to grow up back den).

in secondary 3, i met my first 'serious' bf, J. i dont know if we're considered serious, and like many secondary school love stories, we met online. by den my social circle was all limited to my classmates cause of the low self-confidence, i didnt even dare to talk to strangers cause i'd always wonder what kinda views are they having on me. so other den school, its online. :o

he was staying in cck while i was in central area, so the travelling was disastrous. i wasnt keen on meeting up since i just wanted to fool around at first, like talking and fooling around because everyone in class was talking about irc at that time and i wanted to be a part of the fun too. we'd talk on the phone before school when i was rushing to school, after school, night... bla bla bla... (since my parents divorced i was given alot of freedom) and finally he managed to convince me to meet up. (i forgot how already.... cant even remember his face cause hes too ugly, only way to remember now is look at his facebook. ok i am being a bitch!)

so that was my first serious love.

if you'd call that love.
our first date was watching a movie call "last samurai"... i think by tom cruise or something? and now i hate that movie to the core because he forced me into a kiss during the movie. and i realllyyyyyy... hate it. ok back to story... peer influence. everyone was falling in and out of love during my higher sec days. and i wanted a bf too, so it wasnt about love maybe. more of wanting to be with someone just like everyone else. and so we started this thing call 'relationship'. and i thought it was fun because i can call myself 'attached' too finally.(ok lah back den it was 'my stead'..)

life with J initially was smooth. sometimes he'd come over and sometimes i'd go over to cck. even though my bestie (till now) was complaining that i am neglecting my friends. i wasnt taking those words to hard since i was seeing how people are always sticking to their 'bf'. i didnt enjoy being with J. i dont rmemeber much sweet things about what he'd done for me. i only remember it's always having lunch at some shopping mall (i dont even remember where liao...), den gg over to his place for tv or wadever.. we had the fair share of petting and showering together which i hated. we're 15/16? i dont remember.. during that period of time when we r together, i didnt really bother much. petting or those intimate moments seems normal to me even though i didnt enjoy it.

and i convinced myself into just following since maybe its just me not enjoying such physical stuff. i enjoyed being hugged or being physically safe under the care of someone i like/love, but i was just not enjoying the over-the-line kinda actions. maybe it was due to my age during that time or just me... i dont know.

especially after i found out he was still pretty much into hanky panky with the ex-girlfriend, i got even sianz of everything and decided that was the end. we started the 'tons of fights' period and finally i ended it right 1 day before O levels. amazingly the breaking up wasnt painful at all, it was like a relief, like im finally free again. before i met him i was dying to get attached, dying for some physical attention, dying for people to look at me on the street and finally agree that yes even if u are ugly u can get a boyfriend. but when we broke up i actually felt free. (that kinda feeling... i cant feel it now anymore even though i broke up with my last ex.)

after ending and just the eve of O levels starting.....

i gather my friends and we went to Kbox for happy hours :D:D:D

J is just a prelude to the big mess that was about to unfold in my life...(e no, i have nothing more to do with him. hes happily with some china woman now.)

to be continued.

p.s am better in chinese so just let me rant abit in chinese ok.

以前年纪还小的时候总以为没有爱情的两个人也可以得到幸福。总觉得只要我们牵着手走在一起就会拼凑出一张幸 福的画面…现在我终于明白了，原来爱情是幸福的主要原料。

明白了，却太迟了。
离开了你的我已经再会不了头…

[love_mayo]

after ending the r/s with J, (that was in 2004... damn, now i feel OLD... i took my Os in 04), life went on pretty smooth for a couple of years. i was given a design course in one of the poly and i didnt go for it cause design wasnt my cup of tea, so i continued my interest in some other aspect. life went on and i was single for that couple of years.. hanging out with friends and so on.

i am still the same old me. still no sense of dressing no sense of this and that. or maybe one can say i actually didnt bother cause i had that mindset 'forget it la, so ugly, wear nice also no one wanna c'. thinking back, that could jolly well be the happiest time of my life cause i was totally 'being myself' and not bothering about what strangers see of me on the street.

during this few years, i was somewhat involved in a weird kinda relationship with two guys. first being val. we'd met online or something i think... the same. i even forgot which year it started or ended... somehow. we were never in a relationship, and we'd never have sex before. (boy am i glad?) hes a normal looking guy, around my height, nothing special or attractive and he'd never use any assuring words on me. he stayed around my area and the first time we met, things just happen. it was like an instinct. i didnt know what i was looking for during that time. i wasnt looking for a relationship knowing i felt happier being single, nor sex since i wasnt even into it. val is a weird guy that doesnt like blowjobs, everytime we'd meet, its just for a handjob. :D it seems he prefer it that way.

or maybe he's gay. :cool:

but anyway... we maintained that kinda relationship throughout. no heart to heart talks, he doesnt do anything for me physically or psychologically, doesnt even touch me. if someone were to ask me now, i dont even know why i maintained that kinda relationship. on my birthday during one of those years, that was the last time we'd talked. i requested for a hug, and after that left and thats it. from then till now.. seen him afew times in town or nearby his area since im always there with my friends. but we no longer talk nor do anything. some people here might think i'm like a slut or whatever for doing such stuff... but seriously, i was just being young. or maybe desperate for some attention i think.

excuse or not, i say i'm just in the process of growing up back then. not to say i am a totally grown up now in the aspect of handling my own relationships.. but least that was a past that i can look back to and laugh at knowing how much stronger i've become now.

when val and me lost contact. i just thought it was about time to move on. and again due to peer influence, i started paying just a little attention to myself. nothing compared to now but it was an improvement, or my friends would said. even now i am still not a looker, but much more confident though.. (this story shall go later)

no one caused the change in me, but during 2007 or so, things just started changing. and that was when WJ came into my life. he's not a singaporean and i'd meet him while trying to practise the foreign language that i was learning. (ive given up that language already now, cause i totally cant handle it), and we were like friends. from whatever i remember.. hes almost 30 and when we first met, he was in singapore for a working trip. WJ is a tall and charming guy (according to my taste that no one around me could comprehand...), and for once i felt small standing beside someone. *laugh* we hit it off well, but again, no status no nothing. when hes in singapore we went for dinner together and i'd teach him english in exchange etc.

thought life was pretty great, and he was like the mr decent to me. afterall, we're almost 10 yrs old apart i think, he is like the elder brother i always needed...

[DeathGod69]

Damn I wish I was J.
Things would not end up the same way as it did.

Quote:
We had the fair share of petting and showering together which I hated. We're 15/16? I don't remember.. during that period of time when we are together, I didn't really bother much. Petting or those intimate moments seems normal to me even though I didn't enjoy it.

Such GF hard to find, even though don't like still give in ...

[love_mayo]

Damn I wish I was J.
Things would not end up the same way as it did.

Quote:
We had the fair share of petting and showering together which I hated. We're 15/16? I don't remember.. during that period of time when we are together, I didn't really bother much. Petting or those intimate moments seems normal to me even though I didn't enjoy it.

Such GF hard to find, even though don't like still give in ...


i guess GFs like that is not hard to find, provided they r still young and thinks simply.

appreciate the few bros whom pm-ed me (:

but i am not keen on paid sex although i havent had any sex for almost 1/2 year. *laugh*

[love_mayo]

will be away from singapore from next week. no idea if i'll get to update but surely hoping to have some happy tales to tell after meeting someone (:

[FrOsTy-CoLd]

will be away from singapore from next week. no idea if i'll get to update but surely hoping to have some happy tales to tell after meeting someone (:

Enjoy your trip Sis, am sure "someone" will make it an unforgetable trip
:p

[love_mayo]

Enjoy your trip Sis, am sure "someone" will make it an unforgetable trip
:p

thanks sis :D
different 'someone' from u though. haha.

hopefully he is free on monday so that i can bring him to some new spore restaurant i just discovered.. xD

[ch33zy]

its good to move away from the sadness in your life and start afresh from time to time.. just be patient and you will be rewarded someday.. it always come when you least expect it.. oh ya, have fun when you are out of sg.. i presume that you are out on holiday ba..

[fookydud]

hey sis, glad you've moved on away from that abusive bf. I would still say there're still good guys around. As for me, i never believed in abusing my gf. I guess it all depends on the upbringing in the family as well. So its important to look at the background of the family before really deciding if he's the one for you. And i hope you'll find yours soon ! Do carry on to write your story when you're free. :) cheers

[bonkudear]

TS, you have to restore your self-esteem. Irregardless of what the past may have been, you have to let it go. Unless you let the past baggages go, it will be difficult for you to move on.

I advice that you also remove the misconception that there are no good guys around. (And yes, despite the many horny guys in this forum, there are still good guys here ok! Maybe it's just that most of us here have more testerone in our make up. :p).

Take your time to look around instead of keeping your head low all the time. Who knows, you may just come eye to eye with a good man who loves you for who you are. :)

[love_mayo]

hey sis, glad you've moved on away from that abusive bf. I would still say there're still good guys around. As for me, i never believed in abusing my gf.

i guess its all about personalities.
people around me whom knows me well thinks i am dangerous cause once i give it my all, it doesnt matter even if i get killed.
lol.


TS, you have to restore your self-esteem. Irregardless of what the past may have been, you have to let it go. Unless you let the past baggages go, it will be difficult for you to move on.


说易行难。

i will let go, i surely will. but i guess just not now.
i dont deny there is good guys around, my besties are mostly guys and i think they r really good bf(s) but sadly we're already crossed that stage and is like buddies already.

maybe u are right that one day i might be able to find someone whom accepts my everything, but even if there was, i dont think anyone can accept me anymore now cause everything's different.

[love_mayo]

was at starbucks outside pacific plaza yest. overlooking marriott hotel and tons of memories came back to mind.. so decided to continue writing.

the relationship with WJ lasted about a year back in 2007-2008. despite saying so.. i remember we'd meet for less den 10 times in total. again.. i was doing something for the sake of doing something.

whenever WJ is in singapore for work, he'd stay at marriott and as we got closer, i'd always go to his room and slack there, cuddle, etc. we were close physically, with the cuddles and so on, but things never got out of hands until one day he got me to drink. (i am seriously a fucking poor drinker.)

i was looking out of the window and during that time, ION was nowhere to be seen.. (really can imagine how long le), no ION, just construction work. and my head was starting to spin because of the red wine. (just 1 cup.) i always hated drinking since young, even beer or vodka can make me vomit. whenever i drink, its always because of friends etc, (but now.. different case). so when he handed me the red wine i thought of rejecting but in the end, as usual, too soft hearted, gulp it down. forgot why i am emo-ing looking at the window already. my mind was kinda blank and i didnt want to move. (im that kind whom becomes really down after drinking.)

WJ hands was on my shoulder when i realised, with his face really near mine. that, of course wasnt the first time we got so near to each other. afterall i was single at that moment and i didnt think much. it was just seeking warmth. that kinda romantic atmosphere seems perfect and the tiny bit of alcohol in me was taking over me. i wanted to sleep. yes, sleep. and apparently the want to sleep made me weak.

he was wearing just the bathrobe and before i was able to react, i found myself on the bed doing a blowjob on him. not my first but surely not my top of the list either. i was just sitting there and moving my head accordingly and choking occasionally. i was like a puppet and him holding on the strings. we had the warmth share of cuddles and i was kinda expecting things to move towards that direction, but i was wrong. its either hes drunk or i am too drowsy to do anything, he just move my head in and out till he'd cum right into my mouth and i was at a total loss. (that was the first time it happened in my life... FML).

and i was choking.

i remembered rushing to the toilet to rinse and try my best to vomit out whatever i can after 'waking up'. and he was standing outside laughing at what hes seeing. :mad:

things didnt change after that night. but it got me thinking more, like what am i exactly looking for. of course i wanted someone that could pay more attention to me instead of showering all the attention on himself. i wanted to be heard and seen and felt. i fell asleep beside him that night, and decided to go home at about 3am, he gave me a peck on the forehead before i left. but still that just made me felt worst. especially seeing some prositutes entering marriott when i left made me feel even more hatred towards myself.

and no, i dont take money from anyone i've fucked all till now.

but during that period of time, i really hated myself. i didnt know what i was really doing anymore. i felt like a call-girl, when he'd asked me to go over, i will without questions even though i didnt like what i was doing at all. it felt like i had no mind or say of my own and i just go with the flow, and WJ decides the flow. i dont love him, i dont think ive ever loved anyone in my life except my ex. but even so, i was just going along with whatever is given to me..

and maybe this is the reason that gets me into more troubles..

[dennischan]

hi sis,

seeing that you took ur o's back in 04, i guess we're of similar age..
i'm not into violence too, so definitely guys like that definitely should break up..

always interesting to listen to stories cause it allows me to learn something. used to have a friend like you too, and she lasted 4yrs before breaking up finally.

i think it's because you have too much free time that you become like a "call-girl". would be better if you find meaningful things to do for yourself. like say taking up classes, doing volunteer work and such. yrs down the road, you would find yourself having accomplished more tasks than just giving guys hj.

P.S: doing meaningful stuffs might land you a bf too..

[bepo]

hope things have improve for u.. hang in there sis

[love_mayo]

hi sis,

seeing that you took ur o's back in 04, i guess we're of similar age..
i'm not into violence too, so definitely guys like that definitely should break up..

P.S: doing meaningful stuffs might land you a bf too..

guess no surprise if we r off the same age :D
im getting old grr.

i dont think its about having free time. i always have that kinda dependence issues whereby i always wanted someone to hold on to and a status to hold on to. so i guess thats what made me today.

hope things have improve for u.. hang in there sis

am hanging ;)

cant wait to start my lonely holiday. lol.

[love_mayo]

greetings from the biggest redlight district in asia :D

ive arrived and am going drinking later at 5am!
hopefully ill hv some nice encounters later on hehes.

[shark89]

greetings from the biggest redlight district in asia :D

ive arrived and am going drinking later at 5am!
hopefully ill hv some nice encounters later on hehes.

Sis, you are at bkk? Post FR on your encounters ya? Have fun but be safe! :)

[love_mayo]

nope not in bkk.
somewhere else.

i just met my ex for dinner.
am feeling totally restless and emotional now.

can only say no matter what he've done to me, he is still a very special person to me and i still hold him dear to my heart.

am gonna drink to my hearts content later.
back with more.