The Bro Code [Archive] - The Asian Commercial Sex Scene

AmericanExpress

15-04-2012, 07:31 PM

"Whether we know it or not, each of us lives a life governed by internalized code of conduct. Some call it morality. Others call it religion. I call it "The Bro Code".

For centruies men have attempted to follow this code with no universal understading of what such an arrangment meant: Is it okay to hug a Bro? If i'm invited to a Bro's wedding, do I really have to bring a gift? Can i sleep with a Bro'ls sister, or mother, or both?

Now for the first time on paper, I have recorded the rules of social decorum that Bros have practiced since the dawn of man... if not before. The Bro Code previously existed only as an oral tradition (heh), so i have jouneyed the globe to piece together the transcribe the shattered fragments of The Bro Code, pausing only to flesh it out myself (double heh). While not intending to write a "Guide To Being A Bro" if men should treat it as such and pass this compendium of knowledge from one generation to the next, I have little doubt it would bring a tear to my eye. But not out of it. That would be a violation of Article 41: A Bro Never Cries.

It is my hope that, with a better understanding of The Bro Code, Bros the world over can put aside their differences and strengthen the bonds of brotherhood. It is then, and only then, that we might work together as one to accomplish perhaps the most important challenge society faces-getting laid. Before late: without the sport inherent in trying to bang chicks, would men willingly have se for the sole purpose of producing smelly, screaming babies?

Centuries from now, when a Bro applies the rudiments of The Bro Code to score a three-boobed future chick, the only thanks i'll need is is the knowledge that I-in whatever small capcity-Bro'd him out...though if he could figure out how to bring me back to life, that would be pretty awesome, too."

-Barney Stinson

AmericanExpress

15-04-2012, 07:33 PM

What is a bro?

You've probably heard the word "Bro" used liberally at your local bar or gym. Perhaps you've even seen it recklessly confused with "dude" or "guy" in an adventure themed soft-drink commercial. Maybe even you yourself have unwitthingly tossed out a "Bro" when asking a stranger for the time. But an important distinction must be drawn: just because a guy is a dude, doesn't mean that dude is a Bro.

Q: What is a Bro?

A: A Bro is a person who would give you the shirt off his back when he doesn't want to wear it anymore. A Bro is a person who will bend over backwards to help you bend someone else over backwards. In short, a Bro is a lifelong companion you can trust will always be there for you, unless he's got something else going on

Q: Who is your Bro?

A: Your mailman is a Bro, your father was once a Bro, and the boy who mows your lawn represents the Bro of tomorrow, but that doesn't make him your Bro. When someone has faithfully upheld one or more of the codes in The Bro Code, then you may consider him you Bro. Warning: Exercise caution when bringing home a hot chick-your brother may or may not be you Bro.

Q: Can only dudes be Bros?

A: You don't need to be a guy to be somebody's Bro, provided you uphold the moral values contained within this sacred canon. When a women sets a guy up with her busty friend, she's acting as a Bro. And if she sets him up with other hot friends after he slept with the first one and never called her again, then she's officially his Bro.

AmericanExpress

15-04-2012, 07:35 PM

As you thumb through The Bro Code, you may come accross some words and terms you've never seen before. Many have been boldfaced and placed in the Glossary so you can familiarize yourself with the Bronacular.

While Bros are always encouraged to spead the truth of The Bro Code, they are also cautioned against overusing "Bro". Such Broliferation cheapens the important mission of this boom and, nearly as important, makes you sound stupid.

Appropriate "Bro" Usage

Nabrolean
Tom Brokaw
Bro Jackson
Teddy Broosevelt
Broce Springsteen

Inappropriate "Bro" Usage

Broan of Arc
Brovara Walters
Bro J. Simpson
Geraldine Ferrarbro
Broko Ono

AmericanExpress

15-04-2012, 07:39 PM

While the story of The Bro Code is not nearly as simple and elegant as God handing down some stone tablets to Broses, its origins weave all the way back to the dawn of humanity

In the beginning there was no Bro Code... which was unfortunate for the world's first Bros-Cain and Abel. Lacking an agreed-upon set of social principals, Cain killed Abel and comitted history's first Broicide. As punishment Cain was doomed to walk the earth alone. Why? Because without a wingman, he had absolutely no chance to meet chicks.

Centuries later a Bro from Sparta and a Bro from Troy got in a fight over a chick named Helen. I know, "Helen" doesn't sound hot, but allegedly she had a "face that launched a thousand ships" so you can just imagine what her rack was like. The two Bros waged a terrible war over this chick-a war that could have been avoided has the Bros been familiar with the most basic Bro Code: Bros before ho's. Troy put up a good fight, but the Spartan navy was very powerful. Soon hordes of Spartan seamen burst through the Trojan barrier, and Helen got half the gold for the next eighteen years.

Hundreds of years later, appropriately in Philadelphia (the City of Bro Love), a little known delegate named Barnabas Stinson scrathed on pathchment what is now considered the earliest attempt to record The Bro Code. Over the years Bros have amended and added rules, but Stinson's elegant words remain as the glorious preamble to The Bro Code.

While the original document is housed two stories beneath sea level in an undisclosed, vacuum-sealed, bullet-proof chamber, I was able to gain access lone enough to manufacture this replica.

http://www.thebrocode.co.uk/images/original-bro-code.png

AmericanExpress

15-04-2012, 07:40 PM

Article 1 : Bro's before ho's

The bond between two men is stronger than the bond between a man and a woman because, on average, men are stronger than women. That's just science.

Did You Know...
Article 1 can trace it's genesis all the way back to Genisis. No, not the Peter Gabriel/Phil Collins pop triad, but the biblical book. The discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls has unearthed a once-lost passage that documents the earliest infringement of The Bro Code.

Book Of Barnabas 1:1
And everything of need was provided in that Garden. Fruit, water, companionship. But one day, Adam came upon a naked chick, Eve, and desired her olive leaf. And so Adam wenteth behind and apple tree to know Eve, totally ditching his Bro, Phil, who had Knicks tickets, Courtside. Long story short, humankind became self-aware, paradise was lost, and well, we all know what happened to the Knicks.

AmericanExpress

15-04-2012, 07:43 PM

Article 2 : A bro is always entitled to do something stupid, as long as the rest of his Bros are all doing it

Note: Had Butch Cassidy come charging out of the cabin alone people would have been like, "Dude, come one". If only one Spanish dude had decided to run down the street in front of a bunch of angry bulls, people would've been like, "Dude, come one". If only Tommy Lee had worn eyeliner in the early day of Motley Crue, pleople would've been like, "Lady, come one". The license to be stupid is why we have Bros in the first place.

Article 3 : If a Bro gets a dog, it must be at least as tall as his knee when full-grown

COROLLARY: Naming a lapdog after a pro wrestler or a character from a Steve McQueen movie does not absolve a Bro from the spirit of this article

Article 4 : A Bro never divulges the existance of The Bro Code to a woman. It is a sacred doucment not to be shared with chicks for any reason... no, not even that reason

Note: If you are a woman reading this, first, let me apologize: it was never my intention for this book to contain so much math
Second, I urge you to look at this document for what it is- a piece of fiction meant to entertain a broad audience though the prism if stereotypical gender differences. I mean, sometimes it really is like we're from different planets! Clearly, no real person would actually believe or adhere to the vulgar rules contained within. *Those boots are adorable, b-t-dub.

AmericanExpress

15-04-2012, 07:45 PM

Article 5 : Whether he cares about sports or not, a Bro cares about sports.

Article 6 : A Bro shall not lollygag if he must get naked in front of other Bros in a gym locker room

COROLLARY: If a bro gets naked in a locker room, all other Bros shall pretend that nothing out of the ordinary is happening while, at the same time, immediately averting their eyes. When in doubt, remember the old adage: "If a towel drops to the floor, so should your eyes".

Article 7 : A Bro never admits he can't drive, even after an accident

AmericanExpress

15-04-2012, 07:49 PM

Article 8 : A Bro never sends a greeting card to another Bro
There are no sentiments between Bros that cannot be articulated through the convenience and emotional distance of electronic mail. The following are a few emails for any Brocassion that succinctly get the message accross without costnig you the trouble and expense of having to find and then send an actual greeting card.

EMAILS FOR ANY BROCASSION

SYMPATHY

To: Bro
From: Bro
Subject: Dude

Sorry, Bro.

CONGRATULATIONS

To: Bro
From: Bro
Subject: Bro!

Nice, Bro!

GET WELL SOON

To: Bro
From: Bro
Subject: Bro...

Don't give up, Bro.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

To: Bro
From: Bro
Subject: Dude

Drinks on me, Bro.

THINKING OF YOU

To: N/A
From: N/A
Subject: N/A

N/A

AmericanExpress

15-04-2012, 07:51 PM

Article 9 : Should a Bro lose a body part due to an accident or illness, his fellow Bros will not make lame jokes such as "Gimme three!" or "Wowm quitting your job like that really took a lot of ball". It's still a high five and that Bro still has a lot of balls... metaphorically speaking, of course

Article 10 : A Bro will drop whatever he's doing and rush to help his Bro dump a chick
It's normal for a Bro to get confused and disorientated when dumping a chick. For some reason he's worried she'll become agitated or even violent after he calmly explains his desire to have sex with her friends. This is when a Bro most needs his Bro to remind him that there are plenty more chicks in the ocean, and that a breakup need not be hazardous, stressful, or even time-consuming.

SIDE-BRO: HOW TO DUMP A CHICK IN SIX WORDS OR LESS

"Maybe try a side salad instead"
"Cute! You're growing a mustache, too!"
"She looks like a younger you"
"I will finance a boob job"
"Sorry I threw out your shoes"
"Your sister let me do that"

AmericanExpress

15-04-2012, 07:53 PM

Article 11 : A Bro may ask his Bro(s) to help him move, but only after first disclosing an honest estimate on both time commitment and number of large pieces of furniture. If the Bro has vastly underestimated either, his Bros retain the right to leave his possessions where they are - in most cases, stuck in the doorway.

Article 12 : Bros do not share dessert.

Article 13 : All Bros shall dub one of their bros his wingman

Article 14 : If a chick inquires about another Bros sexual history, a Bro shall honour the Brode of Silence and play dumb. Better to have women think all men are stupid than to tell the truth.

Article 15 : A Bro never dances with his arms above his head.

AmericanExpress

15-04-2012, 07:55 PM

Article 16 : A Bro should be able, at any time, to recite the following reigning champions: Super Bowl, World Series and Playmate of the Year.

Article 17 : A Bro shall be kind and courteous to his co-workers, unless they are beneath him on the pyramid of Screaming.
America was built on the backs of men and women who were yelled at to work harder, and the tradition has been screamed from generation to generation. But you can’t just scream at anybody …. You can only scream at those beneath you.

Article 18 : If a Bro spearheads a beer run at a party, he is entitled to any excess monies accrued after can canvassing the group.

NOTE: To avoid confrontation, it’s a good idea for the bro to jettison the receipt before returning to the party.

Article 19 : A Bro shall not sleep with another Bro’s sister. However, a Bro shall not get angry of another Bro says, “Dude, your sister’s hot!”

COROLLARY: It’s probably best for everyone if Bros just hide pictures of their sisters when other Bros are coming over.

CHECKLIST FOR BRO-PROOFING YOUR HOME

• Hide all pictures of hot sisters, moms and first cousins.
• Open liquor bottles and dust the bar to give the impression you actually use it.
• As a courtesy, move printed porn from the bedroom to the bathroom.
• Scan DVR playlist and remove embarrassing TV programs like daytime talk shows.
• Open all windows.
• Display all remote controls on the coffee table, regardless of functionality.
• Disconnect answering machine, or…
• Call Mom an hour before your Bros arrive.
• Coasters, coasters, coasters!
• Sign out of email account.
• Usher girlfriend/booty call off the premises.

Article 20 : A Bro respects all his Bros in the military because they’ve selflessly chose to defend the nation, but more to the point, because they can kick his ass six ways to Sunday.

AmericanExpress

15-04-2012, 07:58 PM

Article 21 : A Bro never shares observations about another Bro’s smoking-hot girlfriend. Even if the Bro with the hot girlfriend attempts to bait the Bro by saying, “She’s smoking-hot, huh?” a Bro shall remain silent, because in this situation, he’s the only one who should be baiting.

Article 22 : There is no law that prohibits a woman from being a Bro.

Women make excellent Bros. Why? Because they can translate and navigate the confusing and contradictory whims that comprise the Chick Code.

DO CHICKS REALLY HAVE THEIR OWN CODE?

Yes, I’m afraid so. One morning, before slipping out the door wile my hostess was in the shower, I happened upon a copy of the rumoured tome. I didn’t have time to flip must past the pink bedazzled cover, but here are some of the phases I remember seeing on the frilly pages within:

• A chick shall not sleep with another chick’s ex-boyfriend, unless she does.
• A chick never pays for anything. Ever.
• If two chicks get into a fight, they shall make catty remarks and pretend to ignore each other, rather than simply stripping down and wrestling it out.
• If a chick hears a chick-empowering song like “I Will Survive,” she shall stop whatever she’s doing, grab another chick’s hand, and shriek the lyrics at the top of her lungs.
• A chick may get a dog as a pet, but only if it fits in her mailbox.
• If two chicks are wearing the same outfit, each retains the right to accidentally spill a drink on the other.
• A chick shall not operate a motor vehicle in a safe manner.
• A chick has a free pass to slut it up on Halloween.

AmericanExpress

15-04-2012, 08:01 PM

Article 23 : When flipping through TV channels with his Bros, a Bro is not allowed to skip past a program featuring boobs. This includes, but is not limited to, exercise shows, women’s athletics, and on some occasions, surgery programs.

Article 24 : When wearing a baseball cap, a Bro may position the brim at either 12 or 6 o’ clock. All other angles are reserved for rappers and the handicapped.

Article 25 : Unless he has children, a Bro shall not wear his cell phone on a belt clip.

Article 26 : A Bro never removes his shirt infront of other Bros, unless at a resort pool or the beach.

Corollary: A Bro with a coat of fur on his back keeps that thing covered at all times, even at a resort pool or the beach. Sorry, Bro.

Article 27 : A Bro will, in timely manner, alert his Bro to the existence of a girl fight.

A Bro must, in timely manner, communicate the possibility of fisticuffs between two humans of the female variety (henceforth "girl fight"), in an effort to make possible and probable that another Bro or Bros can partake in observation. A "timely manner" is open to interpretation based on the initial Bro's viewing and processing of the potential feminine conflagration. Said Bro must use any and all methods of media distribution at his disposal, including but not limited to: telecommunications, elbow nudging, carrier pigeons, fiber optics, shouting, postcards, and telepathy. If an informed Bro is unable to witness the girl fight firsthand, the spotter Bro is responsible for documenting and relating details of the girl fight via pictures, video, or, barring any other reasonable method, interpretive dance and/or pantomime.

Article 28 : If two Bros decide to catch a movie together, they may not attend a screening that begins after 4:40 PM. Also, despite the cost of savings, they shall not split a tub of popcorn, choosing instead to procure individual bags.

Article 29 : A Bro doesn't comparison shop.

Article 30 : A Bro doesn't allow another Bro to get married until he's at least thirty.

AmericanExpress

15-04-2012, 08:06 PM

Article 31 : When in a public restroom, a Bro (1) stares straight ahead when using the urinal; (2) makes the obligatory comment, "What is this a chicks' restroom?" if there are more than two dudes waiting to pee; and (3) attempts to shoot his used paper towel into the trash can like a basketball... rebounding is optional.

Article 32 : Bros cannot make eye contact during a devil's threeway.

Article 33 : A Bro never rents a chick flick.

Article 34 : When jquestioned in the company of women, a Bro alays decries fake breasts.

When in conversation with a woman, fake breasts may arise, but not in the way that you'd like. It's not uncommon for a woman to deftly use trick questions in order to probe a Bro's real thoughts on the subject of breats augmentation. And don't be fooled into thinking your prepared speech on the beauty of the natural human form can get you out of it.

HOW TO HANDLE FAKE BREASTS

Wrong Answer
Chick: Ugh, her breasts are so fake.
Bro: Totally. Unnatural is unsexy.
Chick: So you've been staring at her breasts, huh?

Wrong Answer
Chick: Ugh, her breasts are so fake.
Bro: Whose?
Chick: You know who I'm talking about.
Bro: Oh. Yes, those must be fake.
Chick: So you've been staring at her breasts, huh?

Wrong Answer
Chick: Ugh, her breasts are so fake.
Bro: No?
Chick: Well then, why don't you go marry her, then???

Correct Answer
Chick: Ugh, her breasts are so fake.
Bro: I Wouldn't know.
Chick: Oh. Well they are.

AmericanExpress

15-04-2012, 08:10 PM

Article 35 : A Bro is under no obligation to open a door for anyone. If a women insist on having their own professional basketball league, then they can open their own doors. Honestly, they're not that heavy.

Article 36 : Even in a fight to the death, a Bro never punches another Bro in the groin.

Article 37 : When a Bro gets a chick's number, he waits at least ninety-six hours before calling her.

SIDE-BRO:
ASK Uncle Barney

Q: I'm confused- if a woman gives me her phone number, doesn't that mean she wants me to call her? Why do i have to wait so long?

A: Broflation - an unreasonable increase in female expectations about how Bros should act. you call a woman the next day, and soon enough, women everywhere will expect guys to call them the next day. Before you know it, Bros the world over will find themselves trapped in relationships, and all because you couldn't wait ninety-six little hours.

Q: Okay, I've waited ninety-six hours. When's the best time of day to call?

A: Call during the middle of the day. You'll have a better chance of catching her voice mail, which ultimately means less conversation. With any luck you'll be able to set something up without ever having to talk to her. Note: Never call after 9 PM -- late-night phone calls are the province of the booty call, and only the booty call. See Article 92 for further elaboration.

Q: I've always heard you wait three days? Why does the Bro Code specify four?

A: If you've always heard that a bro should wait three days before calling, you can bet that women have, too. By waiting an extra day, you can make the chick feel special.

AmericanExpress

15-04-2012, 08:11 PM

Article 38 : Should a Bro become stricken with engagement, his Bros shall stage an intervention and atempt to heal him. this is more commonly known as "a bahelor party."

Article 39 : A Bro never cries.

EXCEPTIONS: Watching Field of Dreams, E.T., or a sports legend retire.*

*Applies only to the first time he retires.

Article 40 : A Bro loves his country, unless that country isn't America.

AmericanExpress

15-04-2012, 08:18 PM

Article 41 : A Bro never applies sunscreen to another Bro.
EXCEPTION: If the Bros are within 7 degrees latitude of the equator.

Article 42 : A Bro never wears jeans to a strip club.

WHY A BRO NEVER WEARS JEANS TO A STRIP CLUB

1. Cloth pockets are roomier and more elastic, allowing for thicker wads of cash.
2. Denim clashes with a club's leopard, zebra, or other safari animal motif.
3. One word, two syllables, three hours in the ER: Zipper.
4.It's a performance, and deserves respect. these erotic dancers have practiced tirelessly on a technically demanding piece of choreographed art. Would you wear dungarees to a ballet?*
5. You don't feel it as much on your kazoo.

*Trick question. Bros don't watch ballet.

Article 43 : If a Bro is seated next to some dude who's stuck in the middle seat on an airplane, he shall yield him all of their shared armrest, unless the dude has (a) taken his shoes off, (b) is snoring, (c) makes the bro get up more than once to use the lavatory, or (d) purchased headphones after they announced the on-fligt movie is 27 Dresses. See Article 35.

Article 44 : A Bro never wears pink. Not even in Europe.

Article 45 : A Bro never publically reveals how many chicks he's banged.
COROLLARY: A Bro never reveals how many chicks another Bro has banged.

When a chick meets a Bro there are three things she wants to know:

1. How much money does he make?
2. Is he shorter than her?
3. How many chicks has he banged?

Eventually, she will figure out the first two, but a bro never answers the third question. If, however, a bro feels compelled to answer (i.e., sex is being withheld until he supplies a tally), he can calculate an acceptable number using the following formula:

HOW MANY CHICK IS IT SAFE FOR A BRO TO SAY HE'S BANGED?

n= (a/10 + s) + 5

n= number of chicks
a= Bro's age
s= inquiring chick's slut factor (1=nun, 10 former nun)

AmericanExpress

15-04-2012, 08:21 PM

Article 46 : When asked, "Do you need some help?" a Bro shall automatically respond, "i got it," whether or not he's actually got it.EXCEPTIONS: Carrying an expensive TV, parallel parking an expensive car, loading an expensive TV into an expensive car.

Article 47 : If a Bro should accidently strike another Bro's undercarriage with his arm while walking, both Bros silently agree to continue on as if it never happened.

Article 48 : A Bro checks out another Bro's blind date and reports back with a thumbs-up or thumbs-down.
If you can't get a bro to scope out your blind date beforehand, there is a way to at least learn how promiscuous she'll be –– have her choose the date venue.

Article 49 : A Bro is not required to remember another Bro's birthday, though a phone call every now and again probably would't kill him.

Article 50 : Even in a drought, a Bro flushes twice.

AmericanExpress

15-04-2012, 08:25 PM

Article 51 : A Bro is required to go out with his Bros on St. Patty's day and other official Bro holidays, including halloween, New Year's Eve, and Desperation Day (February 13).

BROETRY CORNER

There was a young lass from Killarney,
Who promised a gentleman named Arnie,
That she only was his,
Though a fat lie this is,
'Cause last night she was screaming "O'Barney".

I was in love with a chick named pam,
Who showed me pics of her fam,
Pretty cute cat,
But her mom was fat,
So i dumped her that night on the tram.

Article 52 : Even in an emergency that requires a tourniquet, a bro never borrows from or lends clothes to another Bro.

Article 53 : A Bro is required to alert another bro if the Bro/Chick ration at a party falls below 1:1. However, to Avoid Broflation, a bro is only allowed to alert one Bro. Further, a Bro may not speculate on the anticipated Bro/Chick Ration of a party or venue without first disclosing the present-time observed ratio.

Article 54 : A Bro never reveals the score of a sporting event to another Bro unless that bro has thrice confimed he wants to hear it.

Article 55 : A bro doesn't grow a mustache.

Exception: When shaving, it's more than okay for a Bro to keep the whiskers around hes mouth untill the end so that he might temporarily experiment with different facial hair configurations.

Exception: Tom Selleck.

AmericanExpress

15-04-2012, 08:27 PM

Article 56 : A Bro must always post bail for another Bro, unless its out of state or, like, crazy expensive.

WHEN BAIL IS CRAZY EXPENSIVE?

Crazy Expensive Bail > (Years You've Been Bros) x $100

Article 57 : A Bro shall honour thy father and mother, for they were once Bro and Chick. However, a Bro never thinks of them in that capacity.

Article 58 : If a bro, for whatever reason, becomes aware of another Bro's anniversary with a chick, he shall endeavor to make that information avaliable tho his Bro, regardless of whether he thinks is Bro already knows.

Chicks seem to think annual events other than Mardi Gras, the NFL Draft, and the day the swimsuit edition comes out are worthy of celebration. I don't understand why, either, but i do know if become involved with a woman for more than the occasional toss in the hay (which is expressly not advised), you'll need to be able to recall bertain days of the year with relative accuracy.

Article 59 : In the event that two Bros lock on to the same target, the Bro who calls dibs first has dibs. If they both call dibs at the same time, the Bro who counts aloud to ten the fastest has dibs. If both arrive at the number ten at the same time, the Bro who brought the last round of drinks has dibs. If they haven't purchased drinks yet, the taller of the two Bros has dibs. If they're the same height, the Bro with the longer dry spell has dibs. Should the dry spells be of equal length, a game of discreet Broshambo* shall determine dibs, provided the chick is still there.

*Rock, paper, scissors for Bros.

AmericanExpress

15-04-2012, 08:31 PM

Bro Code Violations

Violations of the Bro Code may result in a fine of up to $250,000 or in some cases permanent dis-Broment. Unresolved disputes over The Bro Code may be submitted via email to the International Court of Bros at [email protected], provided such disputes include pictures of the chicks invloved. But only if they're hot-the chicks, not the disputes.

There is no greater affront to the spirit of The Bro Code than a willing violation. While occasionally a Bro may err due to inebriation, a momentary lapse of judgement, or if a chick is so hot that other Bros would say "He didn't really have a choice" any premeditated infraction of The Bro Code is inexcusable. When a Bro violates The Bro Code, he hurts not onlt his Bros but also himself, because he is no lone Bro worthy.

It's important to note that there are no tenets of The Bro Code that cannot be discussed in confidence with another Bro, and I would urge a Bro to seek permisison form another Bro before doing something, or someone, that he feels might violate this sacred code. Note: A great time to get that permission is when your Bro is super drunk...like almost passed out

If and when a violation occurs, a Bro has the right to administer the offending Bro a level of punishment befitting the infraction. He may choose from the Approved Punishments list.

Approved Punishments

Revocation of wingman status
Text blackout
Designated all-time tip leaver
Assigned to solar-refraction seat in living room
Removal from inappropriate email forwards list
Waterboarding
Temporary blacklist from barbecues/football Sundays
Loss od permanent shotgun status
Bumped from top position on "not using season tickets&qupt; list
Removal from holiday card mailing list
Revocation of airport picking/drop-off privelages
Must help offended Bro move heavy furniture
Temporary removal from usual golf foursome
Must return stuff loaned from offended Bro...even stuff he thinks his Bro forgot about
No longer allowed to borrow the truck
Offended Bro no longer recquired to bring beer over

AmericanExpress

15-04-2012, 08:34 PM

Will post rest of Articles shortly

AmericanExpress

15-04-2012, 08:45 PM

Article 63 : A Bro will make any and all efforts to provide his Bro with protection.

Bro-tection forms a central pillar or, more accurately, a plastic coating for the central pillar of the Bro way of life.

While not legally or physically responsible for any repercussions of failing to provide protection, it’s not uncommon for a Bro to experience pangs of guilt after a fellow Bro becomes infected with a disease. Some of which, such as children, can last an entire lifetime, like when a Bro contracts children

AmericanExpress

15-04-2012, 08:50 PM

Article 64 : A Bro must provide his Bro with a ticket to an event if said event involves the second Bro's favorite sports team in a playoff scenario.

Article 65 : A Bro must always reciprocate a round of drinks among Bros.
Exception - A Bro is off the hook if a Bro orders a drink with an umbrella in it.

Article 66 : If a Bro suffers pain due to the permanent dissolution of a relationship with a lady friend, a Bro shall offer nothing more than a 'that sucks, man' and copious quantities of beer. A Bro will also refrain from pejorative commentary - deserved or not - regarding said lady friend for a period of three months, when the requisite BACKSLIDE WINDOW has closed.

Article 67 - Should a Bro pick up a guitar at a party and commence playing, another Bro shall point out that he is a tool.

Article 68 - If a Bro be on hot streak, another Bro will do everything possible to ensure its longevity, even if that includes jeopardizing his own records, the missing of work, or, if necessary, generating a realistic fear that the end of the world is imminent.
Exception - Dry spell trumps hot streak.

Article 69 - Duh

Article 70 - A Bro will drive another Bro to the airport or pick him up, but never both for the same trip. He is not expected to be on time, help with luggage, or inquire about his Bro's trip or general well-being.

AmericanExpress

15-04-2012, 08:56 PM

Article 71 - As a courtesy to Bros the world over, a Bro never brings more than two other Bros to a party.

Three Bros are cool

Three amigos
Three musketeers
The police
Apollo 13 Astronauts
The Three stooges

Exception: Hanson

Four Bros are lame

Mount Rushmore
The Fantastic Four
The Monkeys
Michael Jordan’s team mates.

Exception: The Beatles

Bro-etry Corner

One Bro makes a solo attack.
A Second Bro provides a crutch.
A Third Bro rounds out the pack,
But a Fourth Bro is one too much.

AmericanExpress

15-04-2012, 09:16 PM

Article 72 : A Bro never spell-checks.

Article 73 : When a group of Bros are in a restaurant, each shall engage in the time-honored ritual of jockeying to pay the bill, regardless of affordability. When the group ultimately decides to divide the check, each Bro shall act upset rather that enormously relieved.

Article 74 : At a red light, a Bro inches as close as possible to the rear bumper of the car in front of him, and then immediately honks his horn when the light turns green. That way if another Bro is several cars behind, he'll have a better chance of making it through the intersection before the light turns red again.

Article 75 : A Bro automatically enhances another Bro's job description when introducing him to a chick.

Chicks like to stretch the truth about their age, promiscuity and sometimes, with the help of extensive make-up and structural lingerie, even their body shape. As such, it is a fair game for Bros to exaggerate reality when asked about their Bro-fession. It's also smart: a Bro's career is to a chick what a chick's boobs are to a Bro.

Article 76 : If a Bro is on the phone with a chick while in front of his Bros and, for whatever reason, desires to say "I love you" he shall first excuse himself from the room or employ a subsonic Barry White-esque tone.

Article 77 : Bros don't cuddle.

Article 78 : A Bro shall never rack jack* his wingman.

To commemorate and solidify the unbreakable bond between the Bro and his wingman, it is recommended that before going out, each face the other, place his left hand on the Bro code, raise his right hand, and recite the wingman pledge.

*To steal your wingman's chick = Big Time NO-NO

The Wingman's Pledge

I shall up hold the Bro Code to the fullest of my ability.

I will never allow my wingman to go home with less than a six.

I agree to swap rounds of anything with my wingman.

I will never rack jack my wingman, no mattter how hot the chick.

I pedge to never leave a wingman behind when invited to a party.

If my wingman meets a hot chick with an ugly friend, I will jump on the grenade.

If my wingman gets rejected by a chick, I shall quickly agree that she sucked anyway,even if I thought she seemed kind of cool and interesting.

Should my wingman strike up a conversation with a chick of a questionable legal age, I will certify her birth date.

If I discover evidence that my wingman's chick is in a relationship, I shall make that info available to him,unless it's pretty clear the boyfriend/husband isn't there.

I shall honor and respect the dibs system.

Article 79 : At a wedding, Bros shall reluctantly trudge out for the garter toss and feign interest for the benefit of the chicks present. Whichever Bro gets stuck with the garter shall light-heartedly pretend he's not mortified at the thought of being the next one to drop before scurrying to the bar for a very stiff drink and/or shots.

Article 80 : A bro shall make every effort to aid another Bro in riding the tricycle*, short of completing the tricycle himself

*engaging in a threesome

Rules of riding the tricycle:

1. The aggregate age of all three participants shall not exceed eighty-three (83) years.
2. The aggregate weight of all three participants shall be less than 181.44 kg.
3. No money or other considerations may be exchanged for services rendered
4. Pregnant women shall consult their physician before riding the tricycle.
5. No wheel of the tricycle shall be within three branches of another's family tree.
6. No black-soled sneakers.
7. Female participants shall refrain from destroying the illusion that this is new to them.
8. Kitchen appliances and other electrical devices are strictly forbidden.
9. Participants must shower before riding the tricycle, and definitely after.

AmericanExpress

15-04-2012, 09:23 PM

Article 81 : A Bro leaves the toilet seat up for his Bros.

Article 82 : If two Bros get into a heated argument over something and one says something out of line, the other shall not expect him to "take it back" or "apologize" to make amends. That's inhuman.

Article 83 : A Bro shall, at all costs, honor the Platinum Rule: Never, ever, ever, ever " love" thy neighbor. In particular, a Bro shall never mix it up romantically with a co-worker.

Exceptions

- Co-worker is an 8 or better
- You are superior to the co-worker
- Co-worker dresses a little slutty
- Getting fired from job not such a bad thing
- Company recently sued for sexual harassment - unlikely to happen again
- Someone makes a bet that you can’t
- You are switching floors soon
- You and co-worker get stuck in elevator
- Co-worker soon to be fired
- Co-worker hits on you
- Co-worker going through divorce
- Co-worker not offended when you "accidentlly" email provocative self pictures to office.