Marriage problems need advice

[kesyong79]

Hi all,

I have been a lurker in the forums all this while, been enjoying reading the interesting threads.
Currently my marriage is on the rocks because my wife found out some intimate whatsapp mesages with a girl that i met online.

Let me introduce myself first.
Im a 34 years old guy, working in the finance sector in an MNC
Ive been married for 1 year 3 months and have a 6 months old baby girl.

My wife is my first girlfriend and also my first girl when i met her at 29 years old.
I have never been to nightclubs or visit pros ever before, not even now.
I dont drink, smoke or ever been abusive at all.

All the while our relationship have been very good, i feel its only this year that we started having issues, after our daughter is born.

I have been taking the night shift of feeding my daughtet since the 2nd month till date.
Every day after work i will go back hm to take care of our daughter and even during weekends i dun meet my frens anymore. All my time now is spent taking care of her.

I was diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism last year have been on medication since, although o have not taken my pills since jan this year.

The problem started in feb when i had difficulty keeping awake during office hours, so i tried surfing the net to look for interesting stuffs to read and stumble upon this forum.

I was especially attracted to the threads on meeting ladies/ friends online, and so decided to create an account on Skout with false profile etc single, no gf. Not long after i began chatting with a lady online and what is initially a normal chat slowly turned into something more intimate.

So eventually in this month, just last week i met this lady over lunch, only a normal meetup with no hidden agenda. But after that i still continute intimate message with her.
Eventually my wife found out 2 days ago when she looked at my phone which i didnt even bother to deltete away the whatsapp chat cuz i feel its just online 'role playing'.

She didnt took it that way and accuses me of having an affair and cheating on her.
Now she wants a divorce, but agree to go counselling first.
Im so lost now, i didnt expected things to turn out this way.

Thanks everyone listening to me, cuz i dun really have much frens and tend to keep all things to myself.

[jnudes]

Hi all,

I have been a lurker in the forums all this while, been enjoying reading the interesting threads.
Currently my marriage is on the rocks because my wife found out some intimate whatsapp mesages with a girl that i met online.

Let me introduce myself first.
Im a 34 years old guy, working in the finance sector in an MNC
Ive been married for 1 year 3 months and have a 6 months old baby girl.

My wife is my first girlfriend and also my first girl when i met her at 29 years old.
I have never been to nightclubs or visit pros ever before, not even now.
I dont drink, smoke or ever been abusive at all.

All the while our relationship have been very good, i feel its only this year that we started having issues, after our daughter is born.

I have been taking the night shift of feeding my daughtet since the 2nd month till date.
Every day after work i will go back hm to take care of our daughter and even during weekends i dun meet my frens anymore. All my time now is spent taking care of her.

I was diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism last year have been on medication since, although o have not taken my pills since jan this year.

The problem started in feb when i had difficulty keeping awake during office hours, so i tried surfing the net to look for interesting stuffs to read and stumble upon this forum.

I was especially attracted to the threads on meeting ladies/ friends online, and so decided to create an account on Skout with false profile etc single, no gf. Not long after i began chatting with a lady online and what is initially a normal chat slowly turned into something more intimate.

So eventually in this month, just last week i met this lady over lunch, only a normal meetup with no hidden agenda. But after that i still continute intimate message with her.
Eventually my wife found out 2 days ago when she looked at my phone which i didnt even bother to deltete away the whatsapp chat cuz i feel its just online 'role playing'.

She didnt took it that way and accuses me of having an affair and cheating on her.
Now she wants a divorce, but agree to go counselling first.
Im so lost now, i didnt expected things to turn out this way.

Thanks everyone listening to me, cuz i dun really have much frens and tend to keep all things to myself.

Bro, I dun have much frens too and i am 35 years old. Your are married but I am always single (never married). In your case I think you are being caught red-handed by your wife suspecting you of cheating beside her.

It's like a virgin boy making a girl pregnant during his very first sex. It did happened. Got someone I knew confessing to me and later he need to abort the baby.

Well, to tell you truth if I am you I will also do that as 'if you eat chicken rice all the time will be very boring.' No social life. Everything involving your daughter and family only beside work.

I assume both of you don't play Facebook too? Looks like your wife is doing the role of queen control here. To me personally I don't like my privacy and space to be invaded by my wife after I got married.

Married men will get itchy once in a while. IMHO, that's normal as long as they don't go overboard like starting an affair. And from your story looks like it depends on your wife whether she wants to forgive you or not.

[kesyong79]

Thanks bro for reading and replying.
Ive always thought having affair or adultery means physical intimacy, which never happened here.
In fact i was going to end this chat soon as i feel im getting too overboard.
Guess whatever i say now doesnt matter cuz wife dun beleieve me at all anymore.

I have always been a good husband and father, somehow maybe the stress is geting to me and after our daughtet is born i dun communicate much with her now.

Anyway im visiting a psychiatrist later cuz i may have depression that i do not realised.

[jnudes]

Thanks bro for reading and replying.
Ive always thought having affair or adultery means physical intimacy, which never happened here.
In fact i was going to end this chat soon as i feel im getting too overboard.
Guess whatever i say now doesnt matter cuz wife dun beleieve me at all anymore.

I have always been a good husband and father, somehow maybe the stress is geting to me and after our daughtet is born i dun communicate much with her now.

Anyway im visiting a psychiatrist later cuz i may have depression that i do not realised.

The stress that you most likely having is lack of social contact with friends around you. It affects everybody I guess, including myself. Whenever I feel depressed I go for a walk at park, dining outside, travelling, cooking, do house chores, watching movies, etc, all by myself.

When you occupy the time such as being alone at home most of the times and not going out depression going to hit you hard. Do you know why Leslie Cheung (HK singer) committed suicide in April 2003? Is because of depression. This year is his 10th death year anniversary (coming in few days).

If your wife insists on getting a divorce my advice is getting divorce is not always a bad thing. Whatever happened just let it go no matter how painful or stupid you had been. No one is perfect, we all made mistake at certain stages of our life.

[sane]

What's the contents of your chat?

Write to her, tell her the truth n seek for her forgiveness sincerely.

Show her the proof that u have cut off the contact with the lady. For the sake of your family, she will high likely give u a chance but whether there's still sparks in your marriage will depend on communication. Don't take each other for granted.

[kesyong79]

Hi Jnudes,

I feel sad that my hard work all these years have gone down the drain juz becuz of this one silly mistake, and there wasnt even anything physically sexual involved.

Hi Sane,
Contents are like miss her, hugs and kisses, wanna spend time with her, but never once did i mention abt having sex or stuffs like that. I just treat this like a role playing game..
The mistake here i believe is that i went out with the girl once for lunch and nothing else, but wife dun believe that either.


I have already deleted all my contacts with this girl, deactivared my profile in Skout and deleted my fake facebook account.
There is no way i can contact this girl now anyway.

I did try my best yesterday to talk to wife, however it seems shes just too upset and angry abt it. I guess there is no way back now.. Sigh

[jnudes]

Hi Jnudes,

I feel sad that my hard work all these years have gone down the drain juz becuz of this one silly mistake, and there wasnt even anything physically sexual involved.

Hi Sane,
Contents are like miss her, hugs and kisses, wanna spend time with her, but never once did i mention abt having sex or stuffs like that. I just treat this like a role playing game..
The mistake here i believe is that i went out with the girl once for lunch and nothing else, but wife dun believe that either.


I have already deleted all my contacts with this girl, deactivared my profile in Skout and deleted my fake facebook account.
There is no way i can contact this girl now anyway.

I did try my best yesterday to talk to wife, however it seems shes just too upset and angry abt it. I guess there is no way back now.. Sigh

bro, I can only conclude that your wife is that kind of very fast to get jealous type. I got one uncle whose wife is a queen control.Will not let him view other pretty girl or model even at tv for few seconds. Want to online check everything, check hp, check what time he goes out work and return home, if see husband talk with other woman also cannot, if we as relatives want to meet him also hard, she will decide who to meet and who not to meet, yes even relatives she also wan control one. If I as husband also beh tahan better divorce lah if like that. But my uncle very patient type as he really loyal and scared of his wife.

[F35JSF]

Hi Jnudes,

I feel sad that my hard work all these years have gone down the drain juz becuz of this one silly mistake, and there wasnt even anything physically sexual involved.

Hi Sane,
Contents are like miss her, hugs and kisses, wanna spend time with her, but never once did i mention abt having sex or stuffs like that. I just treat this like a role playing game..
The mistake here i believe is that i went out with the girl once for lunch and nothing else, but wife dun believe that either.


I have already deleted all my contacts with this girl, deactivared my profile in Skout and deleted my fake facebook account.
There is no way i can contact this girl now anyway.

I did try my best yesterday to talk to wife, however it seems shes just too upset and angry abt it. I guess there is no way back now.. Sigh

Betrayal comes in all form. It does not have to be physical. In your case the hurt felt by your wife was emotional betrayal. Unfortunately it is easier to deal with physical betrayal than emotional betrayal. The recommended course of action is to let time do the healing. Go for counselling in the meantime and communicate, communicate and communicate with each other.

[neyney]

Power Uncle!!! Salute him!!! So patient

[Psalm]

I can see your wife got angry. Whatever husband says, it will not go into her ears.

You need somebody to talk to her.

[stillgottheblue]

Let your wife gets angry for all she wants. You have to use this opportunity to gain back control of the household. And don't repeat your mistake again.

[Ladyrain]

I guess its a kind of emotional betrayal. You will be surprised that to some women, emotionak betrayal is worst than physical betrayal. You need to give her some time to come to terms with it. Its still a kind of betrayal and you certainly dont expect her to forgive you so quickly especially if she loves and Trust you alot to begin with.
Now its your duty to gain her trust back by doing whatever you can and do not expect it to beeasy. It will take her alot of time to believe you again bbecause we are talking about emotional betrayal.

[Need4speed]

bro, ask yourself do u want to divorce her also or not? cos not divorcing means going back to taking care of baby and no social life. and bringing back all the stress and pressure.

Maybe u can try other activities like sports etc to divert yr attention from the ladies n social networking stuff. and find a balance at home with yr activities.

I will be a father soon also and already beginning to feel the pressure. But there's no other choice. Just have to deal with it. Good luck to you bro and I hope things turn out alright.

[Schenker]

Hi Jnudes,

I feel sad that my hard work all these years have gone down the drain juz becuz of this one silly mistake, and there wasnt even anything physically sexual involved.

Hi Sane,
Contents are like miss her, hugs and kisses, wanna spend time with her, but never once did i mention abt having sex or stuffs like that. I just treat this like a role playing game..
The mistake here i believe is that i went out with the girl once for lunch and nothing else, but wife dun believe that either.


I have already deleted all my contacts with this girl, deactivared my profile in Skout and deleted my fake facebook account.
There is no way i can contact this girl now anyway.

I did try my best yesterday to talk to wife, however it seems shes just too upset and angry abt it. I guess there is no way back now.. Sigh

To your wife, "精神上的出轨" is much serious than catching you in bed. Cos she feels insecure, unwanted, unlove... So u really need to put in more effort to repair the damage.

Maybe a short getaway may help. :)

[rawpenis]

You are diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism. please take your medication.Hyperthyroidism cause nervousness, irritability, increased perspiration, heart racing, hand tremors, anxiety, difficulty sleeping, .
why are you not taking your medication? I'm also on medication bro.

[anthonyKKW]

bro, ask yourself do u want to divorce her also or not? cos not divorcing means going back to taking care of baby and no social life. and bringing back all the stress and pressure.

Maybe u can try other activities like sports etc to divert yr attention from the ladies n social networking stuff. and find a balance at home with yr activities.

I will be a father soon also and already beginning to feel the pressure. But there's no other choice. Just have to deal with it. Good luck to you bro and I hope things turn out alright.

Bro Need4speed, kid are both pressure and pleasure. They are terrible and yet terrific. Enjoy them.

[anthonyKKW]

Hi Jnudes,

I feel sad that my hard work all these years have gone down the drain juz becuz of this one silly mistake, and there wasnt even anything physically sexual involved.

Hi Sane,
Contents are like miss her, hugs and kisses, wanna spend time with her, but never once did i mention abt having sex or stuffs like that. I just treat this like a role playing game..
The mistake here i believe is that i went out with the girl once for lunch and nothing else, but wife dun believe that either.


I have already deleted all my contacts with this girl, deactivared my profile in Skout and deleted my fake facebook account.
There is no way i can contact this girl now anyway.

I did try my best yesterday to talk to wife, however it seems shes just too upset and angry abt it. I guess there is no way back now.. Sigh


Bro, I am not the best role model here. That's why I am on SBF forum.

The fact that your wife agrees to go counseling means still got hope. For the sake of your kid, you guys must must try to reconcile. It is about forgiveness and regaining trust. For the short term, you can forget about tust. Even you tell her you didn't bonk your new friend, it is hard for her to believe. You have to reach the stage whereby she will forgive you assuming that you went to bed with your new friend (even you didn't do it).

The counsellor will help her to think in a rational manner. I have experienced that before. Your bargaining chips will be: willing to change, step up to carry the family, swear to be role model for your kid, promise to communicate with her when you are down.

It is not impossible for her to forgive you this once and for her to pick up the courage to try with you one more time. It happened to my close friend last year. Ate outside, kena caught, wife wants divorce, went counseling, wife forgave. No kids.

BUT after the forgiveness, the nightmare will kick in. Trust will be an issue. I think you go fix your current problem first. Get your forgiveness first, I will share with you the nightmare that happen to my close friend at a later stage.

[jnudes]

Bro, I am not the best role model here. That's why I am on SBF forum.

BUT after the forgiveness, the nightmare will kick in. Trust will be an issue. I think you go fix your current problem first. Get your forgiveness first, I will share with you the nightmare that happen to my close friend at a later stage

Bro, after the husband changed the wife then go out start affair with other man, correct? What comes around goes around...

[ColdBlood99]

didnt saw you have double thread, here you go

to maintain a marriage is base on trust and respect from what i have see, promises are meant to be kept but not broke, if you could remember the day when you and her agree to love each other no matter how poor, sick during the ROM ceremony. no matter what you do please think of your partner shoes.

what i would advise will be, delete off the lady number and promise her you will not do it anymore, woman tend to be more soft hearted but please make sure you will do it anymore as you can see she give birth a baby for you. she is the most wei da woman in your lifes, so you should be greatful on that.

think about it below.

if is the other way round, your wife try to msg a unknown man and been found out by you, what you will feel? is she cheating on you? will you trust her again? the trust it will not be 100% anymore. in future if she say she working OT or go out with gal friends, will you believe her?

try to plead for forgiveness from her. do something to surpise her like sending flower to her company, cook dinner for her when she home, massage for her when she is tired, bring her out to some romantic places like how both of you met and where you propose to her.

i hope this way she will not asking for divorce again.

people tend to regret after their mistake, but well this is human character. once you marry please be faithful, but if you still want to eat outside "PLEASE WIPE YOUR MOUTH AFTER YOU EAT" but i hope you dont do it after this lesson.


all the best in your relationship.

take care

[carloe]

you just got to hang on and absorb everything she has to throw at you.
it will take some time and you have to prove your sincerity.

[hyd3128]

Bro, would like to contribute my two cents worth. It is lucky that you have a kid with your wife. Divorce is a lifetime decision, it can have a big impact on the kid (who will take care of the kid n etc). Her mouth might be saying that, but deep down she are struggling.

I do have a friend, similiar to your case. He was caught lying to her wife and fooling around with his friend. Her wife threaten him and demanded divorce. But their parents, friends and relatives discouraged this idea. From the first denial stage (girls would like to portrait her husband as perfect man) to acceptance stage, it took around 2 months for him to patched things up. Since then, neither of them bring up the issue again and of course with strings and conditions attached, like must be at home at what time, can't be friend who and who, etc

Therefore, in your case, still got hope. Now it is the time to show your sincerity to your loved one despite of what she said, just keep on doing that until she is ready to accept you and give your another chance.

all the best and take care

[carloe]

you have a very good chance of patching up because of the kids. moreover, you have not done anything physically.
but before that, you have to understand that she has a very valid reason to be very angry with you for a period of time. if you can show her that you understand why she is angry and promise not to do such a thing again, she is very likely to forgive you and carry on with your lives.

[carloe]

read bro hyd3128's case. it took 2 months. yours was only last week, so
you have to absorb all these for another about 2 months.
don't give up.

[anthonyKKW]

Bro, jia you! My heart is with you.

[luffingcow]

Hi, I'm married. I would understand how ur wife felt if I were the one who saw those messages! She will feel upset as u rather talk to a stranger & engage in intimate chats than her. U can assure her by changing ur contact num, that lady won't be able to contact u.

[anthonyKKW]

Hi, I'm married. I would understand how ur wife felt if I were the one who saw those messages! She will feel upset as u rather talk to a stranger & engage in intimate chats than her. U can assure her by changing ur contact num, that lady won't be able to contact u.

Change number is a good idea.

[Orchinno]

You need to psycho-analyze yourself why you start wandering down the slippery slope.
Until you know for yourself the true reasons for deceiving, conniving and hiding, you will never be able to convince your wife that you have changed.

[sjaa2013]

read bro hyd3128's case. it took 2 months. yours was only last week, so
you have to absorb all these for another about 2 months.
don't give up.

Hi, my ex-wife took 6 months to patch things up and during that time life is like hell. She will wake me up in the middle of the night and keep talking of the issue.

Show her your sincerity and if she still love you, she will forgive.

[sane]

Hi, my ex-wife took 6 months to patch things up and during that time life is like hell. She will wake me up in the middle of the night and keep talking of the issue.

Show her your sincerity and if she still love you, she will forgive.

The marriage eventually break down?

[sane]

There is no way i can contact this girl n

I did try my best yesterday to talk to wife, however it seems shes just too upset and angry abt it. I guess there is no way back now.. Sigh

How's things now? N if u guys r getting back, don't neglect each other because of the bb.
Spend quality couple time together to strengthen the marriage. Go for a short getaway, chill out moments for chats, movie etc. life should not be dull after marriage n bb :)

[KathrynEWyant]

I thinks its emotional behavior, You have to understand your wife.
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[Intltuk]

Ur wife have mentioned it...some bros/sis hve mentioned it......go for counselling.

[porscheclub]

Support a bit here.

#1 Go for counselling
#2 Change your hp no/s & show wife
#3 It's your own effort to win back her trust now, some take longer than few weeks
#4 play the child card. Baby cannot do without complete family :)

Don't worry, you're not alone but seriously, if she didn't find out now you could be bedding some women later on. Oh yes you will ;)

[prettymannequin]

Bro, emotional betrayal is worse than physical betrayal to some women, as some samsters have already pointed out.

Right now she'll feel like you have unmet sexual desires that you wanna fulfil outside... it's gonna be tough trying to make her fully trust you again. Whenever you kiss her she'll think you want to kiss another pair of lips. Whenever you tell her ILY she won't believe that your heart only has her.

Go for counselling to sort your relationship out ba. Remember to be honest and sincere. Good luck!

[bbmapple]

Hi TS, how's things with wife now? Hope u all are getting along well!

To a woman who just gave birth not long ago and still learning to cope with a baby, I guess the thought of sending intimate messages to a new lady friend is unbearable.
Plus, did u and wife engage in sexual activities? Women tend to have very imaginative and creative minds, especially if she hasn't been doing it with u, she probably thinks u 偷吃 to meet physical needs :(

[KaniNababe]

U ought to be shot!

[Johnbass]

Trust is a fragile thing.
Don't start what you cannot control.
:cool:

[starystarynite]

Have a heart to heart talk. Give both party sometime to think about this n react. Dun do something in a rush n baby girl get hurt.

[discordpiggy]

Thanks bro for reading and replying.
Ive always thought having affair or adultery means physical intimacy, which never happened here.
In fact i was going to end this chat soon as i feel im getting too overboard.
Guess whatever i say now doesnt matter cuz wife dun beleieve me at all anymore.

I have always been a good husband and father, somehow maybe the stress is geting to me and after our daughtet is born i dun communicate much with her now.

Anyway im visiting a psychiatrist later cuz i may have depression that i do not realised.

sorry to hear about your case.

but it is only one time...

there are worst cases

where the husband visited fls for 11 out of their 12 yr marriage. when wife want to divorce, he made himself look like victim. LOL! then he begged his wife even after they signed separation papers. so the wife gong gong accept not knowing what he had done the last 11yrs and that he still seeing his fav fls/milfs even thou he claimed no... LOL!

Bro, take it a step at the time. you not like that case i describe where the husband go no remorse. show your wife you willling to change.

all the best :)