Jokes Galour

[extremeX]

Just some jokes to share with u guys here... enjoy...

【 一碗大便 】
一天，一个自恃认得几个汉字的小鬼子，在大街上溜达饿了，就开始找饭馆。
它到了一家小面馆门口，看见门口的水牌上写着的大字：牛肉面、大排面、便饭。
它想尝尝，就走了进去。
忙碌的服务生赶了过来，问：“先生，您吃碗什么面？”
“我吃……”说着，小鬼子想炫耀一下他认得汉字，就扭头看了看水牌上竖着写的字，横着念道：“我吃一碗'牛 ''大''便'……”
要“大便”吃的声音还挺大，一字一顿地。
于是，饭馆里的食客全部以惊异的看着小鬼子，小声地议论：“这畜生，真猛啊！”

【 轻松的反击 】
话说倭国古代，一直以将通晓中国文化、历史为荣耀。但，甲午战争后，战胜中国的鬼子开始有胆量蔑视中国人了 。
一天，在东京的一所大学里，做工的鬼子工人吃着便当，看到一位路过的中国留学生。
鬼子故意大声问：“你们是否知道一个叫毕升的中国人？”
鬼子故意大声答：“不知道。中国很快就没有了。就是日本的毕升了！”
中国留学生生气的看了他们一眼，问道：“你们知道武大郎么？”
鬼子答：“不知道。”
中国留学生说道：“你们这些混蛋东西！听好了！你们只配有这样的祖先！”

[extremeX]

RA jokes:

Entry in a young woman's diary:
Monday: went out with John tonite, we were in his car and he tried to be too friendly. I got out off the car andwalked away. My legs are my best friends.
Tuesday: Went out with Peter tonite, we were in his care and he triedto get toofriendly also. I got out of his car and walked away. My legs are still my best friends.
Wednesday: Went out with Jock tonite. I like Jock. We were in his car and he tried to be too friendly. I din get out of the car, eventhe bestfriends must part.

There are 3 ppl in the pub. 2 of thm are talking to each other. They seemto be brooding. So they ask each other y they are btooding. The 1st guy said,:" well, i think it's because i have sex once once every month." Then the 2nd guy replied:" i'm more serious, i have sex only once every other month." Then they both lokked at the 3rd guy who seems to be very happy and cheerful. They are puzzled and asked him how often he has a screw. The 3rd guy repled:" Once evey 6 months". The first guy asked him:" Then y are u so happy?" And the third guy replied:" Because IT'S TONITE!!!"

Snow White has been thrown out of fairytale land. She was caught sitting on Pinnochio's face and yelling:" Lie your little bastard, LIE!!!"

A guy was talking to his wife about the current financial situation of the household and how they would have to make cutbacks.
Husband: For a start i think u should learn how to iron the clothes then we can do away with the ironing lady
Wife: Well if u learn how to Fuck properly, then we can do away with the gardener!

pls up my points if u like it. more to come!

[extremeX]

最残忍的打法--梅超风：抓住苍蝇以后，把脑袋揪下来，在上面按五个洞
最损失的打法--一灯：几记一阳指过后，苍蝇倒是被烧焦了，可是屋里的彩电、床单、墙皮、地板无一幸免
最恶心的打法--欧阳锋：直接屙出一摊大便，用味道吸引苍蝇，然后在上面洒满蛇毒，苍蝇沾之即死
最仿生的打法--欧阳锋：四肢着地，鼓起腮帮，苍蝇飞过时，成蛤蟆状跃起，然后张开嘴，苍蝇横尸其中
最不可思议的打法--周伯通：左手抓东边苍蝇，右手抓西边苍蝇，两只手还互相干扰，抓住以后，用绳子拴着放风筝
最高效的打法--洪七公：亢龙有悔、潜龙在渊、神龙摆尾……尘土飞扬落定后，手上沾了十八只苍蝇
最变态的打法--黄药师：抓住苍蝇后，不是揪掉翅膀，就是拽掉腿，然后从窗户扔出去
最精湛的打法--哲别、郭靖：轰上天后，用箭射之！
最辛苦的打法--全真七子：天罡北斗阵一摆，每人手里一个拂尘，随着苍蝇的飞行变换阵型，直至将苍蝇累死
最无耻的打法--完颜洪烈：绑架母苍蝇和小苍蝇，然后吸引公苍蝇，将其杀之.
最浪费的打法--黄蓉：做一桌好菜，把苍蝇撑死
最顺便的打法：把苍蝇绑在小jj上，开始学习《葵花宝典》…
最怀旧的打法--郭芙：先爱上公苍蝇，再鄙视母苍蝇，再用用剑砍下公苍蝇的一只右腿……
最自然环保的打法--神雕：吃掉苍蝇
最锻炼身体的打法---裘千仞:带着苍蝇爬上铁掌峰,然后从山顶扔下来,让它缺氧窒息而死。
最唐僧的打法---傻姑：苍蝇姐姐，你什么时候才带我去找爸爸呀，把苍蝇烦死。

最气势恢宏的打法---成吉思汗：用十万蒙古骑兵的铁蹄把苍蝇活活踏死
:最高雅的打法－－黄老邪吹一曲碧海潮声曲，震死
最人道的打法－－让他先种下自己的子孙后杀死，事后还可以饲养他的儿子当宠物玩
最残忍的打法----给它看lyp演的郭靖
最不爽的方法：让康熙把建宁公主嫁给苍蝇，婚礼那天 公主手起刀落，再给苍蝇戴顶绿帽子！让苍蝇活活气死！难道这个就是传说中的绿头苍蝇？？

[extremeX]

谁最牛?

路边停着一辆宝马，属违章停车。警察过来，贴条儿，抄单子。
哥们儿从商场出来：“****不就是警察么，牛什么啊？不就会贴条儿、抄单子么！”
警察看他一眼，没说话，继续抄单子。
“你要真牛b，甭贴条儿，你直接叫拖车拖走！”
警察看他一眼，还没说话。
“牛什么啊！除了贴条儿吓唬我们你们还会什么！牛b你拖走！”
警察抄完单子，打电话，叫拖车。
拖车来了。警察看着那哥们儿。
“嘿，你还真牛啊！你真牛，你拖走啊！借你俩胆儿！”
警察一摆手，拖走了。
警察看他两眼，想劝劝他，往后别这么叫板。
哥们儿一翻白眼儿：
“你牛b，待会儿你等车主来了你告诉他吧，我不陪你先走了！”
警察：？！？？？？？？？？？

[extremeX]

1、
　　妻：对于性你有什么看法？
　　夫：看法是没有，做法倒是很多。
　　
　　2、
　　妻：帮看看我有没有断掌。
　　夫：不用看了，你一定有！
　　妻：怎么说？
　　夫：不然我的一生怎么会断送在你的手里？！
　　
　　3、
　　妻：如果你答应我不再喝酒，我可以答应你任何事。
　　夫：好吧，那我不喝酒了。
　　妻：那你要我答应你什么事？
　　夫：让我再喝酒吧！
　　
　　4、
　　妻：老板，买一瓶米酒，给我老公的。
　　老板：一瓶就够了吗？你老公的酒量是有名的喔！
　　妻：用喝的一瓶可能不够，用砸的一瓶就够了。
　　
　　5、
　　妻：我的宝贝儿子找到你那离家出走的老爸了吗?
　　女儿：有，不但找回来，而且也问清楚老爸逃家的理由。
　　妻：那人呢？
　　女儿：当他听完理由后，也跟老爸一起逃掉了。
　　
　　6、
　　妻：如果我穿著比基尼泳衣出去的话，大家会有什么反应呢？
　　夫：那样别人会以为我是看上你的钱财而结婚的！

[extremeX]

7、
　　妻：我很后悔听信你的甜言蜜语而而嫁给你。
　　夫：我也很后悔说了那些甜言蜜语。
　　
　　8、
　　夫：嗨!老婆你好漂亮！！
　　妻：你在说醉话？
　　夫：我没有喝酒呀。
　　妻：那你说的是谎话了！
　　
　　9、
　　父：儿子，爱情是酒，婚姻是醋。
　　子：哇!!老爸你真了解人生。
　　父：其实我不了解，否则我不会为了喝两个月的酒，却得喝上二十年的醋。
　　
　　10、
　　夫：女人是喜新厌旧的动物。
　　妻：谁说的，我们也很念旧的。
　　夫：你怀念以前的什么东西？年龄吗？
　　
　　11、
　　妻：老公，我新烫的头发看起来会不会很丑？
　　夫：不会，你的丑跟头发没关系！
　　
　　12、
　　甲女：你怎么买这种性感的衣服？
　　乙女：我想让我老公激动点，你要不要也买一件？
　　甲女：不了，现在只有衣服的价钱才能让他激动

[extremeX]

Here's what happened when you date

American women
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.

Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary
position. Then you promise to marry her but will
probably abandon the idea.

Japanese women
First date: She's shy, so you don't get to kiss her at
all.

Second date: She'll take a bath in front of you and
let you smell her panties.

Third date: You get to have kinky sex with her. Then
she will bid you sayonara as that was her fling before
getting married to a Japanese man.

Malay women
First date: You get to touch that big breast of hers.

Second date: You get to home base with her.

Third date: You have to promise her that you are gonna
get circumcised.Then you will marry her and find out
that you have to support her whole family. The only
consolation is that you get to repeat the procedure
three other times as allowed under Islam law.

Chinese women
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but
nothing happened.

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive but
nothing happened too.

Third date: You have already realised nothing is going
to happen.

Indian woman

First date : meet her parents.

Second date: Set the date of the wedding.

Third date: Wedding nite.

[extremeX]

Noodle vs Bao

Chapter One
One day, noodle quarrel with meat bao(bun). They had
a fight but bao
was too clumsy and lost badly. He was very angry and
he told noodle to
stay behind if he has the guts and he'll get his
pals to assist him. Meat
bao went to find bread, man tou, jian bao etc to get
them to reinforce
him. Along the way, they saw maggi mee. They ah bish
ah bish ah bish
and beat maggi mee up and maggi mee beri puzzled why
he kena beaten up.
He said, "Why u all beat me? What have I done to
deserve this?" The meat
bao said, "Noodle! Dun think u perm your hair then
cannot recognise u!"

Chapter Two
Maggi mee, who was beaten up for no reason, was very
angry. So he went
to find bee hoon, udon, fried noodles etc to seek
revenge. But on the
way, they met small bao. Maggi mee looked at small
bao for a while then
told his brothers, "Bra-der! Whack him!" Maggi mee
whack small bao
harder & harder. After the noodles family has left,
they asked Maggi Mee
why he hated small bao so much and beat him up so
badly. Maggi mee said.
"At first wanna teach him a small lesson only, but
then see him act
cute, made me so angry."

Chapter Three
The more small bao thought of it, the more buay song
he was. So, he
found the bao family to whack Maggi mee. Then they
found ying shi juan
(noodles covered with bun). They brought him back as
hostage and were
about to but him on the stove to force him to talk
when the bao head said,
"That's not noodles! That's our undercover!"

Chapter Four
The family of bao and noodles are now enemies and
they have gang fights
whenever they see each other. One day, the noodles
family was having a
walk when they saw char siew bao alone. Seeing the
good chance, all of
them attacked him. The noodles family shouted, "Beat
him hard hard!
Don't give chance just because he's vomiting blood!"


Chapter Five
Poor char siew bao, with his injuries, went to the
bao headquarters to
look for help. All the bao family was activated and
together with red
bean bao, green bean bun etc. they went to seek
revenge. All the
passerbys siam them as they look like they will
kill. They saw french fries
jalan jalan along, shopping. The bao family attacked
him. The bao head
shouted, "Noodle people still wear gold go shopping!
Whack him!!!"

Chapter Six
Finally, the bao family manage to kidnap noodle, the
one who started up
the whole show, and brought him back to the bao
headquarter. All the
baos took turns to whack him. At the end, the chief
of baos - dua bah bao
took a final roll over noodle before they dump him.
When the poor
noodle finally went home, none of the family members
could recognise him
bcoz he is totally disfigured and flattened. In
order not to let the
family bear the bad name, he appears as a new member
named Mee Pok.

[extremeX]

Hope this makes you smile......
EVER WONDER where we are headed...
why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens
our skin?

why women can't put on mascara with their
mouth closed?

why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic
Wins Lottery"?

why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

why doctors call what they do "practice"?

why you have to click on "Start" to stop
Windows 98?

why lemon juice is made with artificial
flavor, while dishwashing
liquid is made with real lemons?

why the man who invests all your money is
called a broker?

why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

who tastes dog food when it has a "new &
improved" flavor?

why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

why they sterilize the needle for lethal
injections?

why they don't make the whole plane out of
the material used for the
indestructible black box ?

why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

why they are called apartments when they are
all stuck together?

if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress
the opposite of progress?

why they call the airport "the terminal" if
flying is so safe?

AND...

In case you need further proof that the human
race is doomed because of
stupidity, here are some actual label
instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No
purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use
like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestionefrost." (but, it's
"just" a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will
be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but
wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive
a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a
lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause
drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor
or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used
for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit
curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company. I blame the parents
for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does
not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop
chain with your hands or genitals."
(...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[extremeX]

THREE WISHES!!!!

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog
said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes that
whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish she wanted
to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, You do
realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man
in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied,
"That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only
have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the
world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and
he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay
because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM - she's
the richest woman in the world!

Then the frog inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I'd like
a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever
Don't mess with them

[extremeX]

In Singapore, living in Highly Dangerous Buildings (HDB), most

people have already got used to Paying And Paying (PAP). Not

only do you pay, you Pay Until Bankrupt (PUB). If that's not enough,

somebody still Purposely Wants to Dig (PWD) more from you. So what

more can you do when you are in the Money Only Environment (MOE)?

When you are sick, you might be able to use your Cash Prior to

Funeral (CPF) fund, if you happen to be admmited to the Money

Operating Hospital (MOH) one time. If you are out of luck, you may

meet doctors who Never Use Heart (NUH) to treat you and you will be

Sure to Give-up Hope (SGH). To help ease the traffic, motorist have

to pay Cash On Expressway(COE). If that doesnt help, they can

always Eternally Raise Prices (ERP) on the roads. If you don't own a

car, you can always make a Mad Rush to Train (MRT) or get squashed

in a bus, Side By Side (SBS). Lastly, under all these pressure, there are not many

places we can relax,not even the good old place we used to go

because it has become So Expensive and Nothing TO See Actually SENTOSA).

At the end of the day, living in Singapore is quite frustrating.

Even to the extent of hearing people complaining Now Everyone's Water At Toilet Eventually Recycled (NEWATER).

You tell me lah, should I be a quitter or stayer?

[extremeX]

So bros, how do u all think of my jokes? should i continue or stop? u all tell me ya... and if u think its good, pls consider up my pts ok? Thanks...

[sg_boytoy]

Originally Posted by extremeX

So bros, how do u all think of my jokes? should i continue or stop? u all tell me ya... and if u think its good, pls consider up my pts ok? Thanks...

I think you spelt Galore wrongly

[pakchik69]

Then the frog inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I'd like
a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever
Don't mess with them[/QUOTE]

Bro, I think you missed out the part:

The husband then had a heart attack that was.................ten times milder
Moral : Women THINK they're smarter than men but they're not really

[Guts]

A rooster and a cat had a walk near s'pore river. Cat slip and fell into river. Rooster on seeing this starts to laugh.

Moal of the story : When there's a wet pussy, there's a happy cock!

Good also up my points pls......Thanx.