Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Pureen]

One day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were having a conversation.

The Pickle says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get big fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings on my and stick me in a jar.

The Cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they slice me up and put me in a salad.

The Penis says, "You think that your lives are tough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they throw a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a wet, dark, smelly room, and force me to do push-ups until I puke and pass out!

[Pureen]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[Pureen]

Philippe, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Philippe and says,' Philippe, kiss me!'

Philippe grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

'What are you doing, Philippe?' says the startled Marie.

'I am Philippe the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!'

She smiles and they start kissing.

When things began to heat up little, Marie says,' Philippe, kiss me lower.'

Philippe tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest.

'Philippe! What are you doing?' asks the bewildered Marie.

'I am Philippe the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!'

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers,' Philippe, kiss me lower!'

Our hero rips off her panties, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously,' PHILIPPE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?'

Our hero stands up, grins defiantly, and says,' I am Philippe the fighter pilot! And when I go down, I go down in flames!'

[Pureen]

A married man was spending the afternoon with his girlfriend when she asked that he shave his beard.
"I do like your beard, John, but I would really love to see your handsome face," she said.
"My wife loves this beard, honey," he replied. "I couldn't possibly shave it. She would kill me."
"Oh, please?" his girlfriend purred.
"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, John crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
His wife stirred, felt his face, and said, "Oh, Robert, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

[Pureen]

Buckwheat and Darla were in school and the teacher asked Darla, 'How do you spell 'dumb'?"Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."She responds, "Buckwheat is dumb.""Now spell 'stupid'."Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d."The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."Then the teacher call on Buckwheat and asks, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."Buckwheat stands up and says, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in the a sentence." "I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"

[Troublemaker]

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

[Troublemaker]

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

[Troublemaker]

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.

So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."

The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months

[Troublemaker]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, 'OHIO STATE!' And they say blondes are dumb!

[Troublemaker]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, he dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an IRISH girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.

God Bless Irish Women.

[Troublemaker]

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

[Troublemaker]

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2005 Bugatti Veyron. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back $1.24M. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The young man replies "A 2005 Bugatti Veyron. It cost $1.24M."

"That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside? "Sure," replies the owner.

So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whoooosh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Bugatti?" the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Bugatti?"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh!

Ka-bbblammm! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and good grief, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

[Troublemaker]

Jesus and Saint Paul are sitting in Heaven, talking about the pollution on Earth and wondering what can be done about mankind's filthy ways. Jesus says he's going to pop down to Skegness to see the situation for himself, and Paul agrees to join him. When they get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal pipe is for. Paul tells him it's used to take human waste out to sea where the muck kills dolphins, so Jesus decides to take action and strides across the waves. Walking alongside, Paul is soon knee-deep in filthy water, while Jesus scoots along on top of the sea. Ever hopeful of some help he slogs on, and Jesus keeps walking on water... but soon the water is up to Paul's chin. "Master," he calls, "I will follow you anywhere, but I'm up to my neck in shitty water and I think I'm going to drown." At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Paul. "Well," he says, "why don't you just walk on the pipe like me, you silly prick?"

[bigbirdbird]

Top Ten Signs You're A Slut.....

. You become a K-Y spokesperson.
. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.
. You go through a Sealy Mattress every week.
. Frederick of Hollywood actually comes to your door himself...
....just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
. When they change your area code to 6969.
. Tetracycline is your best friend.
. McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".
. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
. When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your front door.
. When you get hemorrhoids on you shoulders.
. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
. When the sperm bank calls for remnant samples.
. When you're wearing more latex than spandex.
. When your ceiling mirrors fog.
. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
. Madonna comes to you for pointers.
. When he doesn't even have to buy you a soft drink.
.When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
. The only place you haven't had sex is on themoon.
. When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"
. When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.
. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
. When other women begin to call you "Man's Best Friend

[bigbirdbird]

A cop was walking his beat through a back alley when he caught a young boy having a wank in the long grass.

"What do you think you're doing?" the cop said.

"What does it look like? I'm having a wank," the kid replied.

"You'd best be careful, boy." the cop warned. "When we catch a young fella doing that, we cut his dick off, stretch and dry it, put a leather thong through one end to make a police baton out of it."

"And I bet I know what you do when you catch a girl doing it." said the young boy.

"And what's that?" asked the cop.

"I bet you cut out her cunt, dry and stretch it, then put it in a blue uniform!"