The one you marry, is not the one you loved most?

[machoman]

Originally Posted by JWNY

I still reiterate - "The one you marry, is not the one you loved most"

Sorry for the late reply to this interesting topic. I have finally finished reading through all the 100 pages after several days.

I have seen some good posts ( never knew that there were so many poets in the forum ) as well as a few bad posts....generally, a good discussion so far.

Here are some of my thoughts on this very interesting topic.

I just want to clarify something with the topic title:

At what point of time are you referring to?

*At the time of marriage? I assume that it is what you mean. Am I correct?

In my circle of friends & acquaintances, I have come across many reasons ( other than love ) why ppl get married:

1. Financial security

2. Parental pressure

3. Sense of obligation after a long courtship

4. Shot gun or perhaps, abortion related to #2 & #3 above

5. Purchse of HDB flat ( unique in Singapore context )

6. So-called " love on the rebound " or settling for someone else because of previous broken relationship/s

7. Infatuation

8. Lust

9. A combination of 2 or more of the above

May be some of you would like to add on to this list.

* How do you measure & quantify love which is intangible? How do you identify whom you love the most or believe to love the most?

Love is complex & involves emotions which are volatile & ever-changing. The person whom you rightly or wrongly believe to love ( "the most"? ) at the point of marriage may not necessarily be the person whom you will love ( the most"?) & remain so during married life, despite the marital vows.

* If the couple had married when they were young, in their teens or 20's, they might not have the necessary exposure to relationships to compare the options available to them & make the right choice.

Courtship & marriage are 2 very different situations. I have personally witnessed some divorces among my fiends, relatives & acquaintances due the fact that they marry for the wrong reason/s and/or that they were too young & immature for the marriage commitment when they decided to tie the knot. It's sad but it happens.

* Relationships evolve over time & even if there is love or what the couple perceived to be love at the point of marriage, it can either grow, become stale, diminish or even die during the course of a marriage, which is by no means a bed of roses.

Logically, if one can fall in love, cannot one also fall out of love? Especially, if somebody new appears on the horizon & you compare her/him to your spouse.

* Character flaws become more apparent when you are living together in the same premises on a a daily basis - flaws which you may have overlooked during courtship days or were not apparent then. That's when the so-called "love" may diminish or disappear all together.

That's why incompatibity or unreasonable behavior ( I believe, 1 of the grounds for divorce, please correct me if I am wrong ) is cited as a ground for divorce.

I guess that's all I have to say now.

Would appreciate some feedback on my post.

Thanks for reading.

[suteerak1099]

Originally Posted by machoman

Sorry for the late reply to this interesting topic. I have finally finished reading through all the 100 pages after several days.

bro, its been a long while.... n by grace u've found the time n patience to screen all the pages of this topic. good on u~!

since u posted some intriguing questions, i shall endeavor to share my perspectives... in the following:

Originally Posted by machoman

.... * How do you measure & quantify love which is intangible? How do you identify whom you love the most or believe to love the most?

to each his own, eveyr1 has his/her own benchmark as to wat traits 1 must posses, as well as traits that r "good to have" in a person... while chemistry between the 2 parties flourish n grow to a point where they decide to spend the rest of their days together, bound as 1 entity - known to all as; a couple

Originally Posted by machoman

...* If the couple had married when they were young, in their teens or 20's, they might not have the necessary exposure to relationships to compare the options available to them & make the right choice.

society is made up of ppl with different treshold for risk taking. some perhaps more objective driven, and they drop their anchors soon as they find 1 in whom they can emotionally, mentally, physically connect with.

of which some will brave the odds together to keep the marriage alive, while some prefer to cut the chase n go seperate ways

Originally Posted by machoman

... * Relationships evolve over time & even if there is love or what the couple perceived to be love at the point of marriage, it can either grow, become stale, diminish or even die during the course of a marriage, which is by no means a bed of roses.

every waking moment presents us all with new circumstances n new experiences. yet, many choose the familiar path to take, in which they can command better of the situation, n probably have contingencies mapped out in any case of less calculated consequences. the choice then befalls both the man n woman, on the course they wish to take...

Originally Posted by machoman

... * Character flaws become more apparent when you are living together in the same premises on a a daily basis - flaws which you may have overlooked during courtship days or were not apparent then. That's when the so-called "love" may diminish or disappear all together.

its quite apparent that certain courses to take in any relationship shouldnt be forgotten, where it takes time for 2 to truly understand n learn 1 another's spots. flash relationships, flash marriages, cases where ppl put the carraige b4 the horse... thereforth springs greater surprises. as the old saying goes - easy come... easy go.

i may be liberal, bt i still believe that time is required for anything good to mature. a potential pot of wine could just turn out to be vinegar, if due time is not rendered.

IMHO, i see marriage like a 3 legged marathon. when paired with a good partner, the journey could seem less tiring n trying as the handicap already presents itself. bt when paired with the wrong partner, 1 might even contemplate severing the limb, just to make the journey less tormenting.

[WRX_STI]

the title seems to be a very big paradox

[meowy_ger]

haha.....
Mama tell me always marry the person that love u more den u love him....

[fenwick]

Originally Posted by JWNY

I still reiterate - "The one you marry, is not the one you loved most"

JWNY

I agree with you bro ! And most of the time " The one you loved most , hurt you the most "

[DRSG]

4 people in your life

First is your self, Second is the one you love most, third, is the one who love you most and the Fourth is the one you spend the rest of your life with.. sadly in real life, this three people are usually not the same person. The one you love most, doesnt love you; the one you spend your life with, is never the one you love or the one who love you most.. he/she is just the person who happens to be at the right place at the right time.

[DRSG]

Four people you will meet in life



Life is the process of finding love, every person will need to find four people in their life.
First person is yourself.
Second person is the one you love most.
Third person is the one who love you most.
And the fourth, is the one you spend the rest of your life with.

In life, firstly you will meet with the one you love most, and learn how love feels.
Because you know how love feels, so you can find the person who love you most.
When you have experienced the feeling of loving others and being loved,you will then know what it is you need most.Then you will find the person who is most suitable for you, to be able to spend the rest of your life with.
Sadly, in real life, these three people are usually not the same person.

The one you love most, doesn't love you.
The one who love you most, is never the one you love most.And the one you spend your life with, is never the one you love most or the one who love you most. She is just the person who happens to be at the right place at the right time.Which person are you in other people's life?

No person will purposely have a change of heart.
At the point in time when she loves you, she really loves you.
But when she doesn't love you anymore, she really don't love you anymore.When she loves you, she can't pretend that she doesn't.Same goes, when she loves you no more, there's no way she can pretend she love you.When a person doesn't love you and wants to leave you.You must ask yourself if you still love her.If you also don't love her anymore, don't ever not let her leave just to save your pride.If you still love her, you should wish her happiness, and hope that she will be with the one she loves most, not stop her from it.If you stop her from finding true happiness with the one she loves, it shows you already don't love her.And if you don't love her, what right do you have to blame her for a change of heart?

Love is not possessive.If you like the moon, you can't just take it down and put it in your basin.But the moonlight still shines upon you.In other words, when you love a person, you can use another method of possessing the person.Let her become a permanent memory in you life.
If you really love a person, you must love her for what she is.Love her for her good points, and the bad.
You can't wish for her to become like what you like her to be just because you love her.If she can't change to become what you like her to be, you don't love her anymore.

When you really love a person, you cannot find a reason why you love her.
You only know that no matter when and where, good mood or bad mood, you will wish to have this person be with you.
Real love is when two people can go through the toughest problems without asking for promises or listing criterias.
In a relationship, you have to put in effort and give in at times, not always be on the receiving end.Being away from each other is a type of test.
If the relationship isn't strong, then you can only admit defeat.Real love will never become hate.

When two people are in love,they love to ask each other to swear, to make promises.Why do they ask each other to swear and promise?Because they don't trust each other, they don't trust their lover.
These swears and promises are useless.Till the sky falls, till the ocean dry, my love for you will never change!
We all know that the sky will never fall, the ocean will never dry,
Even if it does happen, are we still alive by then?

Be careful when making promises, don't make promises that you cannot keep.
Swear by things that can never happen, because it can never happen, so no harm just saying it casually.Remember, "Swearing by things that can never happen are the most touching!!"
In a relationship, what you say is one thing, but what you do is another;
The one saying, doesn't believe; the one listening, also doesn't believe.

Which person have you found so far?
In the world so big, which person have you found?
And who has found you?

[Avant Garde]

Originally Posted by DRSG

4 people in your life

First is your self, Second is the one you love most, third, is the one who love you most and the Fourth is the one you spend the rest of your life with.. sadly in real life, this three people are usually not the same person. The one you love most, doesnt love you; the one you spend your life with, is never the one you love or the one who love you most.. he/she is just the person who happens to be at the right place at the right time.

y did god intend the world 2 b lik dat? i dun understand sometime y?god hav power to give and take lifebut no power to make men rich and keep the ppl they luv??no offense to anyone just my sad sad thoughtbtw i am free thinker

[Da Vinci]

DRSG, your analysis is great....... really kept me thinking

[ch18]

STRONGLY AGREE...........

Just take it as a FxxKing Mistake made many many years back.
Realised the MISTAKE too late and wasted 10 years of my life........

Anyway, already at 'Point of No Return', got to think for the kids....

[kiko]

Turn back the clock, will put every effort to bring back the gal i love most again , and woo to marry her.

[cmelater]

Originally Posted by Avant Garde

y did god intend the world 2 b lik dat? i dun understand sometime y?god hav power to give and take lifebut no power to make men rich and keep the ppl they luv??no offense to anyone just my sad sad thoughtbtw i am free thinker

I'm also a free thinker. If God made the world to be like that, then living is living torment, especially knowing you love someone yet you have not the ability to be with him/her. In any case, Religion is a dangerous thing to meddle with.

Perhaps, its easier to be just a casual farm animal without that slightest bit of human sentience (ie, complete ignorance of emotions and that knowledge of love).

[pulchritudinous]

Originally Posted by kiko

Turn back the clock, will put every effort to bring back the gal i love most again , and woo to marry her.

why things didn't work at first?

[yinyang]

Originally Posted by pulchritudinous

why things didn't work at first?

La amour?

[pfingo]

Originally Posted by yinyang

La amour?

thought Force Majeure