Married but in love with colleague

[Botakhead]

1. Married, why in the first place are you married?
Because you loved your wife? Your wife loved you?
2. In love?
Define love? Was it lust? Was it concern/care?
3. Younger colleague, who knows your wife and you worked together before you got married?
Work and play are 2 very different things? Mutual respect as colleagues and friends?
4. She engaged and can let go of feelings for you? You are married with family, more troublesome?
Why so easily can get involved and can let go so easily? Married more difficult to settle problem?
5. Openly declared feelings of love to you and you also declared after consideration that you also loved her?
Love and platonic relationships or maybe just to fill in the empty spaces during certain parts of life?
6. You divorce and leave house and money to ex-wife?
If you can do that to your legally married wife, wouldn't you also can do it to your colleague?

Nothing is free in this world, there is always a price to pay for whatever you had done, or are going to do. Stop and think before more people get involved and hurt.

Having flings outside marriage and enjoy is one thing, people whom you have loved are being betrayed. Have you considered your wife's feelings for your infidelity? Are you sure this new found confirmed love relationship will work out? Considering your pros and cons, your cons are going to upset you more.

Your options are purely to just enjoy each others company during work and feelings should not be thrown into it, draw the line. If you both want, keep it discreet and not hurt both party's loved ones.

For every action, there will always be a consequences to bear, weigh it and see out of the box before it is too late.

[orangeproud]

Originally Posted by xands2001

She said that she know im a married man and she just got engaged to her bf and that its wrong, she still decide to tell me.

I am also thinking about our future as we cannot continue like this forever. She said its ez for her to let go but i have a marriage. It will not be ez... i have contemplated to divorce and leave my house and savings to my wife as a form of compensation.

TS, to make it simple......u hv mentioned tat u r thinking abt your future wif her as u knw tat u both can't like it forever, but is it all these r ur one way thinking? Does she oso like u willing or desire to hv a future wif u?? Hv u ever told her ur decision of divorcing ur wife n hv a future wif her?? Wat is her reaction?? Feel shocked? Does she stop u to make this decision?? Does she willing to break her engagement wif her bf so tat can hv a future wif u?? Hv u ever thought tat mayb she juz treat this r/s as a short fling, she doesn't really so serious like u. Better to get it clear b4 u putting more emotion in this r/s which later might hurt u much n making such an important decision of divorcing ur wife.

Pardon me for saying this can u sure tat she is really so serious like u in this r/s? Does she really desire to hv a future wif u?? Make it clear b4 rushing to divorce ur wife which might let u regret n guilty later. Usually, the hurt n pain u hv caused can't b compensate in monetary way, the scar will forever in ur wife heart.

[sanuuk]

You are in love? Do u mean u r not in love with your wife when you got married? Early thirties better have a good wife at home and concentrate on carrer la! With these mess that you have created, maybe holding on to your current job is also an issue! 三思而后行呀， 兄弟！

[MaraGuru]

Think too much TV drama, set to become real life.

Is good to fantasy but putting into real actions can be a disaster. Unless, your wifey doesn't mind sharing you. But again, do you mind your wifey being shared with another cock?

[ShaTauKokDog]

Originally Posted by MaraGuru

Think too much TV drama, set to become real life.

Is good to fantasy but putting into real actions can be a disaster. Unless, your wifey doesn't mind sharing you. But again, do you mind your wifey being shared with another cock?

Well said! Up up for good post!

[Uncle2015]

TS, I want to help me. But this place is not the perfect place, a professional counsellor is still a better way. I can only give you layman method.

It's very hard to convince or restrain you at this moment about stop "fantasing" T. You are at the beginning stage of a courtship, the best part of the love life cycle where all weaknesses are overlooked and daydreaming about fun being together is the flavour of the day. This is why falling in love is so wonderful.

Why are you on IVF path ? Do you feel stressed along this journey ? Would you be able to repeat this journey ? You need T to balance your mental pleasure during this period to "de-stress" ?

I asked these questions because I hope, seriously, I hope you are the one that caused the sub-productivity. Because this will make thing easier. Why ? The outcome of an affair, with an end in mind, is setting up another family. Assumed both you and T want to have a happy ending with own children. But if the sub-productivity problem is on you, then history will repeat itself, and you will go thru IVF again, and the stress that led you to look for something pleasuring again. Worst, we are not sure whether T will agree to go that far to conceive a baby for you. If she knew you betray your wife during IVF process, the more she won't want to follow the footstep, due to guilt conscious and worry of karma.

The only thing that will save you is a successful IVF procedure and the arrival of a baby. This will turn you around and upside down, but for a great purpose.

You are 7 years elder than T, and on IVF, so I guess you are not that young. There is a slim risk that you might be dumped by a younger girl.

Suggest you take a week leave or 2, go on a lazy tour with your wife, somewhere nice weather, outskirt, and less challenging itinerary, for teambuilding with your wife. The purpose is to re-ignite the love feeling with your wife. No contact with T during the trip. Handphone switched off. I can even plan a DIY trip for you, for you and your wife hor, not with T.

Originally Posted by xands2001

Hi bro.. thx for ur invaluable advise. Appreciated. I had told my wife to stay home after she gt bullied by her new manager. Since we are trying to conceive, might as well stay home and less stress and can make baby easier.. right? I knew my wife since she was in poly. Her love for cars and track sessions coincides with mine and we were able to click v well on that context. I still find her attractive and even if she were at home now i don find her any less attractive than T. Its however thw feelings and love that is somehow missing between us and i can find it in T. Was it just a simple case of misplacement and i can focus on replacing with new feeling and love in my wife or are they unrecoverable already? I have been asking myself repeatedly. I told my staff that i do not condone office relationships but i fall into one myself which is v ironic and v unexpected with T. In my mind, i wan to tell T that we shuld end it and its jus not right bt my heart tells me otherwise and if nt.. it gets stronger everyday..
Yes i agree sex with wife is like a chore.. we are both tired from the constant trying and disappointments even from numerous gynae to numerous TCM, the disappointment is just too great..
I also definitely do not wish to nake the wrong step and want to put things right while i still can.. bt every night.. i will miss T and all those thoughts will disappear. Im having an internal tug of war where i don wan to do the wrong thing but at the same time i wan to do the wrong thing to satisfy the feeling towards T. Help me...

[Heyue]

Originally Posted by xands2001

Dear all bro.. would like to seek an opinion and advise from any bros who had been in my shoes before.
Jus a little background. Im married for abput 2 years in my 30s. My wife is a homemaker. No kids but trying for 2 years and now trying ivf.
All of these events happened only less than a month.
I have a colleague whom i will call T. She is my closest working partner at work anf she is 7 years younger than me. We work on many projects together and usually stay late for OT and i wil send her back. V platonic and nothing hanky panky ever goes on. This goes on for about 4 years.
There were times when i fantasize or think about her as my extramarital affair partner but she do not seem the sort although we were v close at work. Sometimes i even wonder if im in love with her. Nah.. was my thought as i suppresed the feelings and thot that its impossible. 1st was that she is nt my type and im nt her type. 2nd she is on good terms with my wife. It was approx 3 weeks ago she told me that she gathered a lot of courage and took months of consideration to tell me that she is in love with me. My 1st thought was wow.. seriously? Do u treat me as a brother kind of love? She said no.. and that feelings were getting stronger. She said that she know im a married man and she just got engaged to her bf and that its wrong, she still decide to tell me. I was feeling flattered. I said ok.. give me a few days to digest and think over what should be done next. I thought for about 3 days and i reciprocated. I found that i too had feelings for her. Its no wonder why i always had an empty feeling whenever she was on leave for holiday or worried when she was on MC.
I told her that i had feelings for her too on the 4th day and she was so happy. We held hands and kissed for the 1st time. The feeling was magical. 3 weeks on, we tried hard to hide our feelings during work and it was tough. I k ow.. i should not reciprocate but i let my heart took o er instead of my head. I am also thinking about our future as we cannot continue like this forever. She said its ez for her to let go but i have a marriage. It will not be ez... i have contemplated to divorce and leave my house and savings to my wife as a form of compensation.
What would you bros have done?
I am earnestly seeking enlightenment and advise from sincere bros here.. those who do not have constructive comments pls do not disturb thanks in advance.

She will eventually dump you for someone in the future. Or perhaps sleep around.

[orangeproud]

Originally Posted by Heyue

She will eventually dump you for someone in the future. Or perhaps sleep around.

Agree.
TS, pls dun b so serious until wan to divorce ur wife thinking of sharing a future wif this T.
How much u knw abt her? Her background, character, flaws, moral value n etc?
Does she like u so serious in this r/s or she juz treat it as a fling? She nvr think of sharing any future wif u? This is juz ur one side thinking?
Hv u ever break the news abt u intend to divorce ur wife to b wif her? Wat is her reaction? Speechless?
Think twice b4 making any major decision.
Get it clear if this T oso so serious in this r/s like u n hoping to hv a future wif u first b4 any action.

[EtherC]

TS, marriage is more about commitment, compromise & companionship. Love is just a part of the starter pack. You may want to rethink your approach & ideas on love. There's no destined one to be with and in its raw essence love is just Nature's chemical cocktail to make living together initially palatable. Lovey dovey feelings dun last that long, your brain won't be able to sustain that biochemical shitstorm for so long. Thats why when passion/love fades commitment, compromise & companionship takes over.

Take the good advice dispensed earlier by the other forummers, a short break from your love interest would help. It'll help you clear off that cocktail of hormones and neurotransmitters running wild in your head.

Remember the oath you took at your wedding,its not meant to be broken lightly.
Being a real man is about honoring your word in deed.

[singmarine]

I also faced the same issue. Married for about 4 years with a 2 year old son. But in love with an existing colleague & ex-colleague.

Dare not cross the line.

[xands2001]

Dear all many thanks for the advices.. T and i are giving ourselves time to think over. Whether if we can survive the future if we take the unforseen route ahead of us or just continue the way it is before anything actually happened. We are having big headaches where we each have our own committments yet we long for each other with a blur future. At the moment, everything remain status quo. I have hinted to my wife previously but she din take it seriously so i cannot guess her next course of action. I also appreciate her taking the sacrifice of ivf and im somehow actually letting fate take its course such as if the ivf was unsuccessful i may take it as a sign. If its successful, i will take up the responsibility and end the r/s with T. However another part of me feel its v unfair to my wife where she nv did anything wrong to me and i will feel guilty towards her. Tats how i feel now. Im sure many who face similar situation have many internal struggles and pls kindly share with me so i can take in as much references as part of consideration. Thank you.

[korean]

TS,

It is difficult to give any advice based on your situation as on one hand, you mentioned nothing wrong to your wife and on the other hand, you love someone more than your wife and even u end the r/s with T, you may encounter more affairs in future which may eventually divorce ur wife with child! btw, do u have sex with T? seems it is not mentioned

Maybe u can ask urself these few questions.

- can T stop u from having other affairs in future?
- if u or T have 2 years (for example, plus or minus, u got the idea) life span remaining, what will u want to do?
- what is the most regret things in life if u dont do it.

[ShittyAss]

Originally Posted by xands2001

Im sure many who face similar situation have many internal struggles and pls kindly share with me so i can take in as much references as part of consideration. Thank you.

Hmm.. Take others experience as a point of reference as part of consideration?

I don't mean to be rude TS, but wtf are u doing? What has other folks experience going to affect or influence your marriage and situation that u have to take it as a point of reference?

So many comments as I read through your thread. All giving u their comments n opinions which are similar. And what's your call?

Are u looking for someone to concur with your thoughts? That is to divorce your wife straight?

My view? U are simply playing with fire as u are too bored with your wife who is a home maker which u told her to be. If u need an alternative, SBF has plenty. But if u are thinking of a FB, she maybe the one to fit the bill for now.

I don't know whats your rank in your office, life will not be easy after that. N worst it may lead to either one leaving the company if rumors spreads across the entire company. Or even worst, stomp like what happen to our ex MP.

Seriously, it's your marriage. U don't go into any forum to post your situation hoping for an answer. Visit a counsellor if u need to.

[Megatronzombie]

Bro TS don't use the IVF result to determine everyone's faith. There is no such thing as a sign from a higher power. Just consider the following facts:
- your wife did you no wrong and you married her
- question yourself: are you having an ego high with a new mistress 7 years younger than you?
- will you be jealous when your mistress have new guy fren her age nd they click really well?

[hugs]

no kid, married for 2 years and in love with somebody else you have known for 4 yrs. im just saying if this happens to me, i will divorce now rather than when there is a kid and ruin more lives. Dont need to think so much what is your type or her type. We always get infatuated with the type we want but we love the type we need. you already said she is not your type and she told you that you are also not her type, yet despite that both of you love each other. What are you waiting for?

Originally Posted by xands2001

Dear all bro.. would like to seek an opinion and advise from any bros who had been in my shoes before.
Jus a little background. Im married for abput 2 years in my 30s. My wife is a homemaker. No kids but trying for 2 years and now trying ivf.
All of these events happened only less than a month.
I have a colleague whom i will call T. She is my closest working partner at work anf she is 7 years younger than me. We work on many projects together and usually stay late for OT and i wil send her back. V platonic and nothing hanky panky ever goes on. This goes on for about 4 years.
There were times when i fantasize or think about her as my extramarital affair partner but she do not seem the sort although we were v close at work. Sometimes i even wonder if im in love with her. Nah.. was my thought as i suppresed the feelings and thot that its impossible. 1st was that she is nt my type and im nt her type. 2nd she is on good terms with my wife. It was approx 3 weeks ago she told me that she gathered a lot of courage and took months of consideration to tell me that she is in love with me. My 1st thought was wow.. seriously? Do u treat me as a brother kind of love? She said no.. and that feelings were getting stronger. She said that she know im a married man and she just got engaged to her bf and that its wrong, she still decide to tell me. I was feeling flattered. I said ok.. give me a few days to digest and think over what should be done next. I thought for about 3 days and i reciprocated. I found that i too had feelings for her. Its no wonder why i always had an empty feeling whenever she was on leave for holiday or worried when she was on MC.
I told her that i had feelings for her too on the 4th day and she was so happy. We held hands and kissed for the 1st time. The feeling was magical. 3 weeks on, we tried hard to hide our feelings during work and it was tough. I k ow.. i should not reciprocate but i let my heart took o er instead of my head. I am also thinking about our future as we cannot continue like this forever. She said its ez for her to let go but i have a marriage. It will not be ez... i have contemplated to divorce and leave my house and savings to my wife as a form of compensation.
What would you bros have done?
I am earnestly seeking enlightenment and advise from sincere bros here.. those who do not have constructive comments pls do not disturb thanks in advance.