I was addicted to buying love... (or maybe i still am.)

[hyperdick]

TS hope you come back soon .

[letmetellyou]

Cant see super moon, cant get to read moon story as well...haizzzzzzzzz

[Nicol]

Hope TS will continue

[orang]

Hope to read more updates.

[Musked]

Hoping to read more.

[moonlove]

Since ive started this story, ive received quite afew encouraging messages, and am really thankful for it. Sorry that ive to put an abrupt end to it. Just take it as this is a summary or ranting for me to vent off the emotions.

The following probably only contains 20% sexual contents so those not interested in boring stories can stop here cause i dont want to waste your time.

To the person involved, val (or ernest, ive no idea which name u go by anymore), i know you're an active member here and i hope you sees this. Since ive begged and pleaded for you to give me a closure but instead you decided to keep hiding, ill have to give myself one. I wouldnt want to shame myself this way either, but i guess ive had enough.

Its been almost a month since i got dumped, for no reason. It would have been a month on christmas eve. I hope you enjoy your festive season with your new girlfriend (or maybe old, ive no idea) , while im still left here jobless, cashless, mindless, still wondering what exactly happened, still trying to find excuses for you and trying to blame myself for being not good enough.

Isnt it weird? The scars on my wrist have healed. Leaving behind only red marks, but it still hurts whenever i touch it. Just like how on the surface im moving on again, laughing and going out with friends or no longer talking about this issue, but in actual fact i am still crying everyday and thinking why even after 12 years i have to go through this again.

Few days before you decide to cut me off for no reason, you convinced me to send you nudes with my face, and said i could trust you. Sure, why not? After all you were still the simple and quiet Val i knew right when im 16. In fact i was hoping why not you just viral those photos and give me a more proper reason to kill myself? Anyway, you probably have no idea how much courage it took cause ive such low esteem issues since when im 16.

Because you did not fuck me. Not when im 16, not now either. I just got dumped by the same man twice in my life, after enjoying enough of handjobs and blowjobs. But i did not get fucked. Probably, im really not good enough heh?

Friends said im lucky we didnt fuck, lesser loss. Sad to say, i was never really a sexual person since 16. Being surrounded by hot blooded peers showing off their sexual relationships when im 16 yet not getting the sexual intimacy i deserved have way damaged my self esteem. I cant possibly tell friends "oh ive a bf... he enjoys handjobs but nope he doesnt even touch me." Right? To be honest, even i myself finds it ridiculous.

If i am that lousy, such a turn off, why did you maintain such relationship whereby theres only handjobs involved? I didnt speak my mind, afterall i was only 16.

Fast forward 12 years later.

Its quite ouch to say that ive less den 3 proper long term relationships over the past 12 years, and probably had sex less than 10 times. While people around me are enjoying their youth and sex lives. Not that i am really complaining. A sexless life spent on traveling is not that bad either. I didnt enjoy sex either. Because ive grown to convince myself that i am not good enough.

PS Will try to finish up in the afternoon or tonight.

[moonlove]

In chinese, theres a saying 解铃还需系铃人。

Over the years, ive spent most of my youth drinking, clubbing, travelling, everything but sex. Ive gotten into arguments with friends whom complained about their sex lives. I dont see why girls are complaining about not getting sex from their other half.

In fact i started enjoying sexless relationships. I started enjoying going to gigolo clubs with friends. I had a decent job, decent income, no bf to report to, life was great. Spending money on good looking guys was an excuse, escaping from committment and still enjoying the attention is the truth.

Serious relationships doesnt last. Because we could never get past the sex part. I hated sex. Or rather i was afraid i wasnt good enough for sex. No matter how many years on, the psychological block doesnt go away. Getting intimate was uncomfortable, getting touched or fucked by someome else made me felt guilty in a way.

Its funny how during secondary school days, our teachers always try to warn us of the dangers of pre marital sex blablabla, but my exact problem came about because val wouldnt fuck me. My self esteem as a young female of 16 yrs old was totally crashed and wouldnt fix itself up. Even till im in my 20s.

The only kind of sex i enjoyed is virtual sex. Since the start of smartphone days, Ive developed the weird habit of randomly using chat apps to talk to people in other parts of the world, chatting dirty and exchanging photos without my damn head and leading them on. It satisfied me a little when i know i still have the ability to turn someone on. And i will never know who tt person is, vice versa, and of course will never meet that person.

I could use words as lowly and dirty as possible because i am in my own world.

"i want you to fuck me hard and call me your slut"

Things like that.

Of course. I know. I am sick. For a long time. These r not right and not healthy. But who gives a damn right? Everyone has their own dark secrets.

And i thought this kind of life could go on forever. Afterall i still enjoy the occasional gigolo club visits, i dont get physical or emotional with the gigolos but i get the attention i want.
And when i do have a very rare sexual need ill just download a random app, have random virtual sex and delete the app and sleep.

Its the perfect singles life.

But everything changed. When Val came back.

To be continued.

[johnl]

Moon, hope to read more of your stories.