Happily Married with an ex WL(VN)

[casannova03]

Originally Posted by sexrookie

So let bro casannova03 live happily after .......... and close and seal his own book

"BLESSING"

Thanks!

Well really, you cannot fault the majority of the people.

Fear arises only because of the unknown

Does fear not strike you when you are made to drive a F1 car and told you MUST execute the turn at 200++km/h? However to drivers like hamilton, its a piece of cake...because they know how so they do not fear...

At that moment, fear strikes you because you simply do not know how to do it!!! There's so much unknown....will i be able to do it? how does it feel like? when is the crucial moment to turn the steering wheel? for how long? when to correct? how to prevent oversteer? what if i skid? how to counter it?

See??

And as it is, many people really do not know if it's all gonna work out fine...They've had little or moderate luck with local girls, what's more a girl who's in the WL trade, speaks a different language, have different upbringings, cultural beliefs and social intepretations..

No offence to anyone but I feel that a good many(but definitely not all) guys resort to these WL or for the matter non-WL gals from marriage agencies, as a last resort.

This means that they more often than not already have some unrealistic demands or expectations out of a relationship or they possess some undesirable habits or traits that they have refused to correct despite being reminded. For i cannot explain why then they complain about the frustrations with local partners when they should have a much easier time dating local gals - considering the common language/upbringings/education etc.

So if trying to date a local gal is already so hard, what are the chances of one against further obstacles like different language,cultural differences etc. Well, not high as you can see!

Yet many chose to put the blame on these foreign ladies without so much a hoot as to whether or not they themselves have put in effort to match their partners expectations of them - never mind PRC or VN or Thai. They often demand a "you listen to me" and " I talk you listen" kind of relationship. They think that these "village gals" will be less demanding and thus they will be able to remain status quo - all the bad habits, traits, bad attitude etc.

Reality is often very different....the world does not revolve around one person..either you change or be left behind... such is Nature's plan. As these " village gals" stay long enough in SG to know that things could be much better, they will be sure to expect better...Dun you?

For me, Its not so much that i like to publicise my marraige or even gloat about it..or for the points system..If i wanted to, I would have done so in the early days in the forum and not wait till now....


Its about sharing information and helping those with the intent of dating such gals that i came out to speak.. 90% of my My few hundred posts in here are related to this topic or its related threads so you can see that i strive to stay focus and give as much assistance as my experience can render...

I am not a saint or anything and i could be wrong because i speak from my own experience with this issue. At the end of the day, it about receiving information and sieving out the relevant issues that helps one and not simply apply everything wholesale. One should not expect to be spoonfed for everything for effort is necessary for everything, even your own relationship..

I hope thus far, i have helped some bros in their less trodden journey towards marital bliss with their vn partners who once worked in the not so desirable trade. Because for me, the greatest reward i can get is to get pm's telling me how i've help them in one way or another.

This in itself is my purpose of starting this thread and is worth more than so called points!!

Good day gentlemen!!!

[casannova03]

Originally Posted by hosayboh

Bro Cass,

Give some insights into your daily life with missus for the past 6 years. How you feel if there's any difference/similarity to other friends who married SG girls? How about functions or wedding dinners be it colleagues or relative?

One thing for sure, i dun have to eat out everyday.

I feel your question have some relevance to what I'm going to discuss next - mentality/psychology. So i'll just tap on your question for my next part..

How you feel if there's any difference/similarity to other friends who married SG girls?

I think lot lot depends on your own mentality, that is from a guy's point of view. I do not know what your similarity/difference refers to because its too wide a topic. I'll just try to address a few aspects..

Similarity

In terms of expectations during marriage life, I would think that its very similar to if you have married an SG gal. you would expect your partner to be committed to the relationship. You would expect trust, fidelity, family building etc.

You will have your usual work/family planning to deal with. You works towards a common objective in marriage life such as planning for the dream home, the dream car, how many kid, how you want to bring up your kids and the naught. You talk about budgeting, career opportunities, deal with family-related problems as you would with a normal SG gal.

I guess its pretty much the same if you treat your wife as a normal gal much like an SG gal.

Differences

I think the most glaring difference might have been covered in my earlier posts but i'll just repeat and add on as necessary...

Its communication and understanding each other's point of view. For me personally, I took much effort to try and learn her language and her, our language. This is the single most important step for it directly affects communication.

I feel that most such unions - SG vs Vn - lacks communication and this is often the no.1 killer of such relationships. Many men simply expects his spouse to do all the work like learning our language and our way of life. However, in a true relationship, i feel efforts must be taken both ways. That way, while she understand why we say or do certain things, we also comprehend why she speaks the way and think the way she does.

A lot of potentially fiery incidents can then be avoided by mutual understanding. Sometimes the way she reacts or speaks is imbedded in the way she was brought up to, in a society where that is the norm. While we see something as undesirable, they feel that they have every right to do things the way they did.

One vital aspect is that of the importance of family in their lives. I have mentioned this before. Although she's married to you, you will always be below her parents, siblings and sometimes extended family members or even friends in the pecking order. this might seem absurd and incomprehensible to us Singaporeans but if you were too investigate further, they were brought up with this value of family in them. Will you then try to uproot something that has been in them for so many years? Its just like trying to uproot the tree whose roots have grown far and wide and are deeply entrenched. Not easy.

But its not necessarily a bad thing for you now know they will try and instill the same values in your future offsprings and you know they are filial. the problem comes only when they practised "blind filial piety". that's when even when they know that their parents or siblings or family members are wrong and they just give in instead of trying to educate. Not all is lost though for this is where you can try and talk to them and make them see other possibilities. I'll talk more on this later..

To address your question, i would say in terms of family building and married relationship, its pretty much the same. the main difference will come in communication and understanding each other's views towards issues. this will require some efforts on our part.

As for the question on wedding banquets and the naught, i am not quite sure what you are asking. But if you are asking if i do bring my wife along then its YES!! why not?

What's there to hide? I am proud of her for the way she came out of her previous trade and her efforts to assimilate into the mainstream society and her efforts in being a great mother to the kids.

This in itself beats many so called "more educated", "more high class", "more clean people", hands down....anytime!

Well, i think i've mentioned somewhere that you dun go around telling people what your wife worked as previously right? its not so much the ego in me or the shame i am afraid to face. Its because I love and respect my wife that i do not go around telling people about her past. What's past is past why bring it up if it doesn't help you now and in the future?

its just like an ex-convict who wants to repent...we've had campaigns to assimilate them back to the society because there's a stigma attached to them. If Singaporeans were really that great and wonderful a bunch, do you think we needs campaigns to bring across the idea? Well truth is a lot of people aren't really that great and have hearts as gigantic as the size of green beans...To accept these people who have erred in their lives, what we need are genuine forgiveness from the heart not thru some campaigns and exercises and pay lip-services.

Some of my close friends know some dunno but is that important to you and your relationship? I dun think so....

At the end of the day, everyone has an unpleasant past. But its the future that you look to and plan for. I do not think anyone with a sane mind plans backwards and works towards getting themselves back into their history...

[simple2kee]

bro casannova03, u r a mAn, a very courAgeous mAn indeed. u r stAnding tAll. no easy feat.
u & ur partner will be blessed with a lifetime of happiness.
thks for sharing with us.
i really do admire u! all the v best to u too!
hope to hear more from u.

[saleman]

It is not very easy to accept a WL as wife, you not only to face her but also your family and what about friend knew she was once a WL. Very big courage to do so.

[Hurricane88]

Originally Posted by casannova03

How you feel if there's any difference/similarity to other friends who married SG girls?

Similarity - Sgp and Vn gals are still gals...

Differences - Vn gals will take care of family and husband properly without much fanfare and dun expect Sgp gals to do so...definitely most of the men will feel the real differences...

[leecs]

I kinda agree with you!!

[casannova03]

Thanks bros, I think its not about being brave or anything...

Yes, I may have taken a gamble and have won but I would think its about making a caculated risk, not unlike any business ventures out there.

I would have pulled out of the relationship if I had any feeling of being used or being manipulated or anything along the line....The truth for the majority of the people is, too many people do not so and often ended up poorer financially, mentally and emotionally..

I will be glad to answer any questions with regards to bros who are considering treading the less taken path..If my earlier post have not helped you in a way you would like or have not answered some questions that are troubling you, i will try my best to assist....

if not, I will just continue with my personal agenda...

The Mental Dilemna

Stay tuned...

[casannova03]

03-05-2009 11:49 PM 你每天都说一些越南狗的大道理? 很 boring

Hi bro, whoever you are, thanks for your feedback!

At least i know you think i should make my thread more interesting by adding in juicy stuffs, such as sex topics or the naught....

But sorry, its the matters of the heart section, you come to the wrong place to look for "interestings stuffs". I am not about to include anything sensational for the sake of doing it..

Anyway, I wonder if you are really that bored in your own life.

While i try to explain my case, it seems that you have consistently and faithfully followed my thread - even though you do not seem to like the topic. Why? You mean you can't find something that's not so boring to occcupy your time in this big forum? You must be joking!

Well, i cannot please everybody so if you do not like it. then sorry!
I've said it before and I'll say it again.. My thread title is as simple as it gets...If you think that its something you dun agree with and do not condone, well, stay away then! If you must read to see what "rubbish" is in here, do keep quiet! I did not request for an opinion...

Pls steer clear from my thread in future...And next time, pls leave a name...i have no clones with which to take revenge..I've got better things to do than go around looking for others i do not like to zap...so dun worry ok.

[Gentle Beast]

Hi Guys, side line a bit on the main subject ..

I've 2 friends (guys) with Vietnamese wives. Whenever we had a chance to get out for a meal, I noticed their wives constantly picking food and placing it into their husbands' bowl. It seems so natural and caring, is this common with Vietnamese women? On the other hand, I am the one picking the food for my significant half and the Vietnamese ladies find it amusing, although my companion does not think so

[NewandLost]

Originally Posted by Gentle Beast

Hi Guys, side line a bit on the main subject ..

I've 2 friends (guys) with Vietnamese wives. Whenever we had a chance to get out for a meal, I noticed their wives constantly picking food and placing it into their husbands' bowl. It seems so natural and caring, is this common with Vietnamese women? On the other hand, I am the one picking the food for my significant half and the Vietnamese ladies find it amusing, although my companion does not think so

PRC do this too. My ex did this until all hell broke loose with escalating financial needs. Then it was only in front of other people to save face. When we ate among just the two of us, it stopped completely.

[hosayboh]

Bro Cass,

Thanks for the write-up and apologies for being vague. I know where i should work on now and will be waiting eagerly for your next post on mentality.

[hosayboh]

Originally Posted by Gentle Beast

Hi Guys, side line a bit on the main subject ..

I've 2 friends (guys) with Vietnamese wives. Whenever we had a chance to get out for a meal, I noticed their wives constantly picking food and placing it into their husbands' bowl. It seems so natural and caring, is this common with Vietnamese women? On the other hand, I am the one picking the food for my significant half and the Vietnamese ladies find it amusing, although my companion does not think so

Can't say for all but i'm sure you get a pretty high percentage with vn gf. Basically just reciprocate and it should look just fine. ~~soooo Sweeeeet~~~

[mike1304k]

Originally Posted by NewandLost

PRC do this too. My ex did this until all hell broke loose with escalating financial needs. Then it was only in front of other people to save face. When we ate among just the two of us, it stopped completely.

I have had Thai frens too and they also clean the fork and spoons and plates and they ask us not to put food on their plates as it is their job. Even my Japanese wife wipes my sweat and makes sure that I am comfortable when we are outside. They have been brought up to "support" their husbands from young. But then it also depends on how they are brought up too lah... We can go on and on about Sg girls and foreign girls and who is better than who. But it is a never ending loop. There is no right and or wrong.

But as Bro Cassanove has mentioned, marrying a foreign woman, don even need to mention that she is WL or FL or normal, is not easy. We as men also have to think very carefully about what we want, and how we want to contribute to the relationship. Why many men fall for PRC, VN, Thai and so on, is because they are all able to rabba us in a way not many locals can. But in loving them, we also have to give them things we may never have considered giving before. It does not take courage or strength, it takes commitment.

So Bro Cassanove, like I mentioned before, I respect you totally.

[Hurricane88]

Originally Posted by Gentle Beast

Hi Guys, side line a bit on the main subject ..

I've 2 friends (guys) with Vietnamese wives. Whenever we had a chance to get out for a meal, I noticed their wives constantly picking food and placing it into their husbands' bowl. It seems so natural and caring, is this common with Vietnamese women? On the other hand, I am the one picking the food for my significant half and the Vietnamese ladies find it amusing, although my companion does not think so

hahaha...that's the difference as I had mentioned before...Vn gal treats that loved ones with great care...actually they will feed the man till he is full and then only they will start eating...competition is fierce in Vn la...actually that's how they are brought up...

[Hurricane88]

Originally Posted by mike1304k

I have had Thai frens too and they also clean the fork and spoons and plates and they ask us not to put food on their plates as it is their job. Even my Japanese wife wipes my sweat and makes sure that I am comfortable when we are outside. They have been brought up to "support" their husbands from young. But then it also depends on how they are brought up too lah... We can go on and on about Sg girls and foreign girls and who is better than who. But it is a never ending loop. There is no right and or wrong.

But as Bro Cassanove has mentioned, marrying a foreign woman, don even need to mention that she is WL or FL or normal, is not easy. We as men also have to think very carefully about what we want, and how we want to contribute to the relationship. Why many men fall for PRC, VN, Thai and so on, is because they are all able to rabba us in a way not many locals can. But in loving them, we also have to give them things we may never have considered giving before. It does not take courage or strength, it takes commitment.

So Bro Cassanove, like I mentioned before, I respect you totally.

well said...