Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Kyoto]

This story happened a short while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds
a little Alfred Hitchcock… it’s true. John, a Sydney University student, was
hitch hiking about 100 Km’s north of Brisbane on an unlit country road and on
a very dark night with a severe storm raging… Thunder, lightning, torrential
rain… The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see any more than a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, in a flash
of lightning, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and it suddenly stopped
just a few feet from where he stood. John, in the dark and driving rain, desperate
for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door.
There was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on!

The car then began moving slowly.

A little terrified by the sudden movement, without obvious human interaction,
John was thinking about jumping from the moving vehicle, but the storm was
getting worse… here was a safe haven form the tempest… of sorts… He looked
ahead at the road and saw a curve approaching.

Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life… Do I jump, he thought,
when suddenly, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the
window and turned the wheel.

John, in the dark, with only the flash of the lightning and paralysed with
terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. John
saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, he jumped out
of the slowly moving car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed
inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody
around him the horrible experience he had just been through. A silence had
enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and wasn’t drunk…

About
5 minutes later, two blokes walked into the same pub. They were also wet
and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John sobbing at the bar, one
said to the other, “Look, Bruce… there’s the idiot that got in the car while
we were pushing it.”

[magixskin]

A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The girl behind the counter says, "What size?"

He says, "I don't know."

She holds up a finger and says, "That big?"

He says, "Bigger."

She holds up three fingers and says, "That big?"

He says, "Smaller?"

She holds up two fingers and he says, "That's it."

She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, "Medium."

[magixskin]

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.

He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"

She says, "It's me lower mouth."

He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'"

She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a moustache... It's got lips..."

He asks, "Has it got a tongue in it?"

She says, "Not yet. . ."

[magixskin]

One day a single mother was in the grocery store with her 4 kids. They were acting up. Bad little kids. They were running around grabbing items off the shelves crying and screaming all over the place. The mother grabbed all and said "I should of swallowed all of you!"

[bigbirdbird]

Three woman always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.

So one day they are all out in the backyard putting clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"

"Well," says Sophie, " when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."

"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.

"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!"

[bigbirdbird]

A young guy out on the town with his mates, spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar, he finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.

Saturday night, the man arrives at her house with flowers and candy. To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel.

"I'm sorry...." she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you though, they are both deaf mutes."

With this, she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable, as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his armchair watching football on TV and Mum is busy knitting.....

After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her backside.

Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye.

The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening.
The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room.

At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?"

"No, its not you....." he replied, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match-stick by his eye."

"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl. The man can't believe her casual response.......

"Mum was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this asshole a drink?'

and Dad was replying, 'No, Fuck him - I'm watching the match'."

[bigbirdbird]

Three guys were sitting at the bar.

The first guy said, "You know, I'm really lucky. When my wife makes love, she's like an acrobat. She can get into the most incredible positions."

The second guy said, "I'm lucky, too. My wife is like a world-class pianist when we have sex. She's got the most talented hands you can imagine."

No one spoke for a moment. Then the first guy said to the third guy, "George how's you wife in bed?"

George took a sip of his beer, then replied, "I guess you could say that my wife makes love like a chess player."

"A chess player?"

"Yeah. Every twenty minutes, she moves."

[bigbirdbird]

Three old friends were chatting late into the night and eventually they went to sleep along side to each other.

Morning came! The guy who slept next to the window was awaken by the morning sun and said, "Gee, I had a great wet dream last night. I dreamt of this young and beautiful lady and she was jerking me off all night."

The guy who slept on the other side said, "That's funny, I had a similar dream last night. I dreamt of the beach in Hawaii. I met a beautiful blond and she was giving me the best hand-job ever!"

The guy who slept in the middle was awaken by the conversation.

"Morning guys", he said. "Did you guys sleep well? I sure did. I dreamt of the time where we all went downhill skiing in the mountains. It was great!"

[bigbirdbird]

Three honeymooning couples find themselves in adjacent rooms in a hotel.

As they are getting undressed, the first man says to his wife, "What huge buttocks!" Much offended, she threw him into the corridor.

The second man, also undressing, says to his wife, "Christ! What huge breasts!"

She is also greatly offended and throws him out into the corridor.

Several minutes later, the third newlywed husband arrives in the corridor as well.

The other two ask, "What happened? Did you put your foot in it?"

"No, but I could have!" the third man replied.

[bigbirdbird]

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory.

They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house.

Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.

One day, they heard, "Yellow, blue, black."

One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear.

She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, "Black, black, black."

Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished. One of the nuns spoke up, "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird."

After saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.

Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house. They peeked at the bird.

At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.

Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, "Straight, Straight, Curly!"

[bigbirdbird]

This girl goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, its very embarrassing but something brown is dropping off my private parts."

The doctor examines her and is sure that there is some thing brown coming out.

The doctor is confused and says, "How frequently are you having sex?. Once a day?"

Girl: Naa

Doc: Once a Week?

Girl: Nope

Doc: Once a month?

Girl: Naaa

Doc: One a year!

Girl: Some thing like that.

Doc: Oh I get it, it's nothing. The brown thing is just rust!

[magixskin]

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

[magixskin]

Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her. "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table." So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?" "Much better!" she replies with a smile. "Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."

[magixskin]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"

[Kyoto]

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.Man: "What are you doing here today?"Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."