Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Microhardon]

An American tourist was visiting a temple in Singapore when he noticed two statues, a man and a woman by the altar.

He asked the monk what was the significance of the two. The monk explained that in the Chinese system of yin and yang, positives must always be balanced by negatives, and having the two statues ensures that the universal balance was maintained.

“This statue of the woman is the Goddess of Mercy, Kuan-Yin.”

“What about the other one?” asked the tourist.

“This one is the God of No Mercy, Kuan-Yew.”

[Microhardon]

Char Siew Pao and Mee Kia got involved in an argument. Char Siew Pao got very angry and shouted at Mee Kia, “I’m going to find my gang to hantam you!”

So Char Siew Pao went to round up Leng Yong Pau and Tau Sar Pow.

Just then, Maggi Mee walked around the corner. Immediately, the Paos started to beat him up.

As Char Siew Pao was punching Maggi Mee, he shouted, “Don’t think just because you perm your hair, we can’t recognize you, okay!”

[Microhardon]

Following last week’s announcement that suicide in Singapore will be regulated, the government has decided to make suicide a capital offence.

“Suicide is a deadly serious matter of life or death,” said Minister for Suicide Mr. Yeow Teow Loh. “We cannot let citizens decide important things by their own hands and affect our manpower projections.”

The MOS has written a white paper, and will be tabling it for debate in the next parliamentary session.

The Suicide and Miscellaneous Manpower Offences Bill calls for those attempting suicide to face a maximum sentence of life imprisonment.

However, repeat offenders will face the death penalty.

“We believe that the strongest possible sentence will deter offenders,” said Mr. Yeow.

The move has been welcomed by EuthanAsians, an Asian right to death pressure and support group.

“We back the new death policy,” said Dr. Mao Mah Tee, president of EuthanAsians. “And we will do whatever it takes to get the bill passed. Die-die must become legislation.”

Minister Yeow continued, “The Bill is not yet complete. We may not have jurisdiction over successful suicides. As they have gone beyond, we don’t know if we can catch them. But we are confident. After all, God is on our side.”

Meanwhile, local right-to-life activists have vowed to ensure that the Bill reaches Parliament dead-on-arrival.

[Microhardon]

Mahathir was so disappointed with his cabinet for being inefficient and corrupt that he decided to call on Goh Chok Tong and ask him how he managed to have such an efficient and incorruptible cabinet.

On hearing Mahathirs woes, PM Goh said, “Simple, Mahathir, I choose able men for my cabinet.” Mahathir asked, “Yes, but how do you know that they are able?”

PM Goh replied, “Just ask them simple questions to test their intelligence, don’t need to be too difficult. Let me illustrate to you.” Just then, Tony Tan was walking by, PM Goh called out to him, “Hey Tony, come over here.” Tony obediently walked briskly over.

PM Goh asked, “Tell me, Tony, who is your fathers son ?” Tony Tan immediately replied, “Me! Of course.”

PM Goh turned to Mahathir and said, “See, all my ministers can answer this question. Why don’t you go back and try.” Mahathir thank PM Goh and left.

Once he was back, he immediately summoned Anwar, his deputy, and shot the question at him, “Tell me, Anwar, who is your father’s son ?” Anwar was shocked beyond words and did not know the answer. After a while, he recovered and said, “Boss, let me find out and I’ll tell you tomorrow.” Mahathir, a bit disappointed, agreed, hoping that Anwar will give a good answer tomorrow.

Meanwhile, Anwar was panicking that his boss was testing him. He tried desperately to find out the answer from his staff, but none of them knew the answer. The next morning,
he decided to call Bill Clinton for help. Surely the most powerful person in the world must know the answer.

When Bill picked up the phone, Anwar said, “Hello, Bill, can I ask you a question?” Clinton, very busy, replied, “Alright, but it better be good !” Anwar quickly asked, “Tell me, Bill, who is your father’s son ?” Clinton was fuming, “Of course it’s me, you stupid !” and he slammed the phone down.

Satisfied that he’s got the answer, he confidently walked into Mahathir’s office and said, “Boss, I’ve got the answer to your question.” Mahathir, happy that his deputy wasn’t that dumb, said, “So tell me quick, who is your fathers son, Anwar ?”

Anwar confidently replied, “It’s BILL CLINTON !”

Mahathir slapped his own forehead in disgust and said, “No you stupid, it’s TONY TAN !”

[Microhardon]

A Singapore PR (previously came from Malaysia) named Ah Meng was just arriving in Hell, and was told he had a choice to make. He could go to Singapore Hell or to Malaysia Hell. Naturally, An Meng wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to Malaysia Hell. There outside the door was Ah Lian, looking bored.

‘What’s it like in there?’ asked Ah Meng.

‘Well,’ he replied , ‘In Malaysia Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives.’

‘That’s terrible!’ gasped Ah Meng. ‘I’m going to check out Singapore Hell!’ He went over to Singapore Hell, where he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in. The line circled around the lobby seven times before receding off into the horizon. Ah Meng pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found An Gu busily signing people in. An Meng asked Ah Gu what Singapore Hell was like.

‘In Singapore Hell,’ said An Gu impatiently, ‘they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives.’

‘But … but that’s the same as Malaysia Hell!’ protested Ah Meng.

‘True,’ sighed An Gu, ‘but sometimes we don’t have oil, sometimes we don’t have knives…

[bigbirdbird]

To the couple fucking on the third floor apt across the street from my office:

We at X Associates would like to thank you for your weekly Friday show. every Friday at 4 we can count on you to get it on and on and on.

I must admit my surprise in a city full of skyscrapers that someone in a third floor apt in midtown doesn't see the need for window coverings of any sort especially when there is a 17 floor office building across the street.

I only can assume you are feeling the need to keep up with the porn shop that opened up on the first floor of your building. though I question your intelligence I applaud your lusty lifestyle.

Last weeks super freaky positions sex was great fun. all the engineers here are still trying to work out the logistics on a couple of those positions, and we are fairly sure that one of them is physically impossible due to the stresses it would put on the female body.

This weeks theme seems to be speed fucking from behind...and was that a third person in the room we saw, we aren't sure but oh what randy fun. and once again we are amused, and titillated.

You have no idea what a welcome break you bring when the call comes from that side of our office that the fuckers are at it again.

The cubicles clear out and you have 20 some odd men, and one woman (me) pressed against the windows.

As much as we enjoy the current show we do have some ideas that could really bring it to the next level of enjoyment for your adoring viewers.

1. Invest in some kind of glare free glass for the window. the glare gets nasty on overcast days like today and we could barely make out who was slapping who on the ass.

2. Move a bit closer to the window...not too close, just say a foot. this give us the viewer the premium viewing situation.

3. Man...get rid of the chubby girl, from certain angles well she is just too much woman for us.

4. Sex against the window, just think about the fun that would be had for all, you then could see us we could see you, it would be a wonderous intimate act for the 25 of us.

5. Maybe add one more show a week, I know last week you did a bonus wednesday show and it went over great, it really warmed us up for friday.

I would really like once again to thank you on behalf of us all here at X Associates. you make what is the best day of the work week here even better, because nothing can beat seeing two young people as yourself fuck like monkeys right before we leave this hellhole for the weekend.

[bigbirdbird]

Top 10 Answers Men Would Most Like To Give To Women's Stupid Questions, But Never Will

10. No, we can't be friends, I just want to use you for sex.

9. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all the fucking ice-cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

8. You've got shit chance of me calling you.

7. No, I won't be gentle.

6. Of course you have to swallow.

5. Well, yes actually, I do this all the time.

4. I hate your fucking friends.

3. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.

2. I'd rather watch a stick movie.

1. Eat it? It took me 10 schooners to get up the courage to fuck it.

[bigbirdbird]

Two builders (Chas and Dave) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Chas: -I reckon he's an accountant.

Dave: -No way, he's a stockbroker.

Chas: -He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chas and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Chas: -Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: -No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!

Chas: -Oh! What's that then?

Suit: -I'll try to explain by example...Do you have a goldfish at home?

Chas: -Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: -Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Chas: -It's in a pond!

Suit: -Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Chas: -As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: -Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house?

Chas: -As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!

Suit: -Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and you are quite probably married?

Chas: -Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!

Suit: -Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Chas: -Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: -Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very
often?

Chas: -Me? Never.

Suit: -Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Chas: -How's that then?

Suit: -Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life!

Chas: -I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Chas returns to his mate.

Dave: -I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Chas: -Yep ! He's a logical scientist!

Dave: -What's that then?

Chas: -I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Dave: -Nope.

Chas: -Well then, you're a wanker.

[bigbirdbird]

*Two Woodpeckers*


So, this Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat...

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, Tiger Woods and Shane Warne were right, when they said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

[bigbirdbird]

TOP 10 REASONS MEN DATE BIMBOS INSTEAD OF NICE GIRLS

10. Much easier to prove that you're superior.

9. Less likely to interrupt you with thoughts or opinions of their own.

8. Won't want you to cancel your plans to watch nude Jell-O wrestling to go see "Phantom of the Opera".

7. More impressed by the thickness of your wallet-even though it's stuffed with condoms instead of money.

6. Will let you send intimate pictures of them to Beaver Hunt.

5. They won't object to demeaning comments you make about them in front of 'the guys'.

4. They actually believe you when you say, "I love you for your mind and personality - now shut up and finish putting on that French maid outfit.

3. Don't understand computers well enough to access your files and read what you've been saying about them.

2. Their ability to comprehend spatial relationships is so poor that they really do believe that it's eight inches.

And the Number One Reason Men Date Bimbos Instead Of Nice Girls

1. They will put up with you.

[bigbirdbird]

Two deaf people get married.

During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals?

For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.

"The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"

[bigbirdbird]

A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from traveling.

Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here."

The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.

After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her.

Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant.

"We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."

"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair off of his butt. He won't even wake up."

So the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and sure enough, she's right.

Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his butt.

So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed.

After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again.

The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's corn hole, and again they have sex.

This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side.

Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "I don't mind that you're shagging my wife, but do you really have to use my butthole as your scoreboard?"

[bigbirdbird]

There was once a woman who owned a dog that she named Titswiggle.

One day when she came home from work she discovered that her beloved dog had run away.

She was out all night asking if anyone had seen a loose dog. Nobody had seen him that night, but the next morning she met a little boy who said that he had seen a stray dog.

The dog he described matched hers exactly. Upon finding out this information she asked the young boy,

"Have you seen my Titswiggle?"

Then the boy said,

"No, but can that be my reward?"

[Cum_Luver]

How to stop a church gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic, after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny, He said nothing. Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home, and left it there all night !!! (You gotta love Frank !)

[Cum_Luver]

Priest's Retirement Dinner

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited,

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his girlfriend. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk, "I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, Never Be Late!!!