Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

One Liners and Q & A


Q: How can you tell if two lesbians are twins?
A: They lick alike.

Q: What's a tiger?
A: A five-hundred-pound pussy that eats you.

Q: When do you know you're really lonely?
A: Your own tongue starts to feel good in your mouth.

Q: What's red, black and blue and lies in the gutter?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes

Q: How is a woman like a road?
A: Both have manholes.

Q: What is the difference between Love, True Love and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow and gargle.

Q: What's Rodeo Sex?
A: It's where you fuck her doggie style, with a tit in each hand, and whisper
….in her ear: "Your sister likes it this way, too."

[bigbirdbird]

Two matronly sisters lived together and managed a farm. All their lives they had both had an extreme fear of thunder storms and lightning.

One day one of the sisters was visiting a neighbor, and while walking home was caught in a severe thunder storm. Lightning was streaking across the sky and thunder was booming all around. Totally terrified, she ran to a nearby haystack and buried her head in the hay like an ostrich, so she could not see the lightning or hear the thunder.

With her head buried in the hay, her rear end was exposed, and the wind blew her dress up exposing a long unused part of her anatomy. Along came the local stud, and seeing the poor soul's predicament, he did the only thing a well endowed stud would do in such a situation. After fully satisfying himself he zipped up his pants and went on his merry way.

Soon the sister pulled her head out of the haystack and rushed home, calling to her sister, "Sissy, Sissy, let me tell you something! I was just hit by lightning... and we never have to be afraid again!"

[bigbirdbird]

Marriage Contract For Women

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that...

Section 1.

In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes,wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.

Section 1.01

And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.

Section 1.02

I will never ask for more *foreplay*.

Section 2.

I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.

Section 3.

Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.

Section 3.01

I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.

Section 3.02

And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

Section 4.

After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

Section 4.01

I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.

Section 5.

In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

Section 5.01

I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

Section 5.02

I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine month pregnancy.

Section 5.03

I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.

Section 5.04

I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard...

Section 6.

After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have"ruined me for other men".

Section 6.01
I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*.

Section 6.02

With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.

Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.
Signed ____________________________________ (female)

[bigbirdbird]

10 Reasons Women Are So Dang Cool, and We Know It!
*
1. We can talk dirty to a man and it's not called sexual harassment. Its
$3.99 a minute.
*
2. We can convince you of the inaccuracy of every weight scale ever
made. We can also educate you on how colors make you look thinner and
how wearing two shirts hides the fat rolls.
*
3. We only beautify ourselves because we KNOW the average man can see
better than he thinks.
*
4. We can bleed for 5 days or more and not die. In fact, come near us
and we'll show you how alive we are.
*
5. Women can say more with a look than most men can in a sermon.
*
6. We have curves. It's been said that "a curve is the sexiest distance
between two points."
*
7. It makes us happy to spot another woman fatter than us. (Men will
never get that feeling.)
*
8. Women will always be smarter than men. Not because we know more than
a man, because we understand more than a man.
*
9. Women are the only ones who understand other women, and we understand
men as well!
*
10. We know if a man doesn't like a woman with brains, then he must be
gay.

[bigbirdbird]

10 Reasons Men Are So Dang Cool, and We Know It!
*
1. Opening a Jar -
You sit there and watch her struggle. She's stubborn though… she runs
it under hot water, taps it on the counter, calls it every name in the
book. Then finally, like a beat dog, she lowers her head, slowly walks
over to you holding the jar out as if to say, "Please dear God, struggle
a little so I don't feel so bad." You take a firm grip, twist and pop
goes the lid. You hand it back and say with a wink, "You loosened it
sweet cheeks!"
*
2. Having a Scar -
It would be best if you had a long knife cut, or a scar from an old
bullet wound. When she sees it for the first time and asks, "awe,
honey… ….did that hurt?" "Nah", Is all we need to say.
*
3. Tools -
Kinda says it all right there. When the neighbor lady asks if you can
fix her shelves cause she doesn't know how to use the tools. You assess
the situation, throw out some technical fixin' s-it terms and strap on
the tool belt with suspenders cause the weight of the tools are so
heavy. You walk proud with the tools banging against your legs. When all
you really needed were three anchors, screws and your 22 volt cordless
drill/driver with keyless chuck, 24 position adjustable torgue clutch.
But why not have all your tools wrapped around you like batman's utility
belt. Cool…
*
4. Parallel Parking -
Yes, yes we can. First time, every time. Get out and walk away, without
even checking the curb. Yea, cause you know its good.
*
5. Whiskers -
Nothing says "he's cool", like looking like you just don't give a rip.
Girly men, look at you and you can almost see a tear forming in the
corner of their eye. Yea, they know they're whipped.
*
6. Winking -
Yea, it's so cool it turns women into putty, doesn't it.
*
7. Duct Tape -
As you walk around your shop. (it's not a garage for the family
mini-van) It's your shop. Nothing says, "I can fix anything", like duct
tape. Bring it on.
*
8. Tanks -
We know stuff about them. That alone gives you 16 kick arse cool points.
*
9. Meat -
Women go to the store. They price the meat. (it can take up to 30
minutes) they pick out a big roast, something that will go good with
carrots. Men, we kill our own food. Clean it, cook it… …over an open
flame!
*
10. Support Groups -
We don't need them to help us pee, unlike women.

[Regards]

There once lived a king and a queen who ruled a large kingdom. The king was short in vital parts and the queen had to seek solace with every Dick, Tom and Harry.

After some time the king grew suspicious of the queen's escapades and wanted to punish the subjects willing to risk their lives for a fling with her.

He sought the services of his court magician to help identify the culprits. The magician built an invisible contraption that was attached to the queen's waist. The mechanism was simple, it would slice any elongated object that ventured anywhere within an inch of the queen's waist.

Having set his trap the king set off on a hunting trip and returned to his palace after spending a sleepless week and burning with curiosity.

Immediately after his arrival he summoned the queen's private bodyguards to his foyer and having dispatched all attendants ordered them to undress. All of them had lost their penises! He next summoned the palace guards and the result was the same. By mid-afternoon he realized that there was not a single male soul in the vicinity who had not made a valiant attempt only to be left peniless (pun).

The only man left was his minister and to his surprise the king, on inspection found the only man who had a penis left on him!

Pleased with his minister's loyalty he asked him as to what punishment would befit all the others and in reply received only a blubbering sound from the minister's mouth.

[Regards]

This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal.

To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis. "Excuse me," he says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?" "No way, mon, I work for the Tourist board. Mine reads, "Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day.'"

[Regards]

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.

When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms and he said, "Take off all your clothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor."

She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me," and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Ed Zachary disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem."

The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Ed Zachary Disease....that when your face rook ED-ZACHARY rike your ass!"

[Regards]

Newly married couple both nymphomaniacs, husband comes downstairs in the morning and the wife asks what he'd like for breakfast "Oh I think I'll have a shag please!" So they go upstairs have a shag then he goes to work. Husband comes home for lunch, "What would you like for lunch dear?" "Oh I think I'll have a shag please!" So again they shag and he returns to work. Half hour later he walks in the house and finds his wife sliding up and down the banister! "What are you doin?" he asks. "I'm warming up your dinner!!"

[Regards]

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."

[Regards]

Top Ten Signs Your Spouse May Be Having an On-Line Affair

10. Lately she sits at the computer naked.

9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.

8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.

7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.

6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.

5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software".

4. Lipstick on the mouse.

3. During sex, she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!"

2. The fax file is filled with pictures of someone's butt.

1. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear.

[bigbirdbird]

A Singapore politician was seated next to a little girl on an airplane, so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," he said . "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces c lumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The MP, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?"

[bigbirdbird]

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.

They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.

The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

[ah rat]

Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs.

That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot.
But, have you heard the plight of the fellow who thought he'd be cute and named his dog Sex?


It goes like this:

"One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight? I told him I was looking for Sex.
My case comes up next Tuesday."

"But, that ain't the worst part. One day, I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said, 'I'd like to have one, too.'
Then, I said, 'You don't understand. She's a dog.'
He said he didn't care how she looked.
When I told him I'd had Sex since I was 5, he said, “You must have been an early bloomer."

"When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I'd have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn't want to hear about my personal life."

"After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. She said. 'Every room in the hotel was for sex.' I said, 'You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.' The clerk said, 'Me, too.' "

"When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “ Me. too."

"Now that I've been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I'm in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said 'Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and I'm so lonely,' I told him.
He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Get yourself a dog."

[Super~Kids]

It might be the light.
Deep In the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am
doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?