Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Two little boys are visiting their cousin in the country when they decide to go for a walk down the back roads. After about three miles they find a used rubber lying by the road.

"Hey," one of the dumbass city boys says, "look, a poor cow lost one of its titties!"

"Let's go give it to the farmer!" the other one says.

So, they work they way up to the farm house. They knock on the door and out comes the farmer.

"Hey, Mister, we found a cow titty. Ya want it back?"

The farmer, not in the mood for conducting a Sex-Ed seminar, said, "Sure, boys, here's a dollar for your trouble."

The boys hand over the rubber and head on back down the road.

After a little while one says to the other, "You know, lardass, we could have got more than a buck if you hadn't drank the darn milk!"

[bigbirdbird]

Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up in the morning with a Vagina:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do a split.

7. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

6. Get picked up in a bar in less that 10 minutes

5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

4. Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination recorded on video.

3. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

2. Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler.

And the # 1 thing a man would do is:

1. Finally find that damn G-spot.

[bigbirdbird]

Two hot young ladies are talking one afternoon about the weekend just past. The first named Faba, and the second, Mujo, discussed Faba's
last date:

"You know what Mujo, I was out last night with an intellectual type, " Faba declared.

"What's that? What's do you mean intellectual type?" Mujo asked with curiosity.

"Well, I mean I was dating a man who is very intellectual and intelligent," explained Faba to her friend.

Mujo giggles, and asked, "So, how was it?"

"First, he took me to dinner. Then he took me to a cinema movie. And then he took me out for a drive. After all that, he took me to his house. He began an intellectual conversation. And finally, he took out his penis."

"What is this word, 'penis'," Mujo asked, unfamiliar with the clinical terminology.

"Oh, it is what intellectuals have. It looks like a dick, just much smaller !"

[Sammyboyforum]

Dog-gone Amazing



A man was out driving, when he came across a flock of sheep. He got out of his car, and walked over to the shepherd tending the sheep. He asked,



"Are you a betting man?"



"Why do you ask?", said the shepherd.



"I'll bet you $20, to one of your sheep, that I can guess the size of your flock.", he said.



"You're on", said the shepherd, "How many sheep have I got?"



"367", came the answer.



"That's amazing," exclaimed the shepherd, "You're absolutely right! go and pick yourself a sheep."



Having claimed his prize, the man was walking away, when the shepherd called out to him.



"How about another bet- double or nothing.", he challenged.



"What's the bet?", said the man.



"I'll bet you that I can tell your occupation, and who you work for."



"That's a bet." said the man. "What do I do?"



"You're a marketing consultant, and you work for the government.", said the shepherd.



"That's amazing," said the man. "How did you figure that out?"



The shepherd smiled. "Put down my dog, and I'll tell you."





Third Way



The Optimist says, "The glass is half full."



The Pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."



The Marketing Consultant says, "Your glass needs re-sizing."

[Sammyboyforum]

Marketing Explained




You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You go up to her and say, "Hi, I'm great in bed, how about it?"
That's Direct Marketing.

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You give your friend a buck. She goes up and says "Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, how about it?"
That's Advertising.

You go to a party and see an attractive girl across the room. You somehow get her mobile number. You call and chat her up a while and then say "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?"
That's Tele-Marketing.

You go to a party and see an attractive girl across the room. You recognize her. You walk up to her, refresh her memory and get her to laugh and giggle and then suggest, "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?"
That's Customer Relationship Management.

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You stand straight, you talk soft and smooth, you open the door for the ladies, you smile like a dream, you set an aura around you playing the Mr. Gentleman and then you move up to the girl and say, "Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?"
That's Hard Selling.



You go to a party, you see an attractive girl across the room. SHE COMES OVER and says, "Hi, I hear you're great in bed, how about it?"
Now THAT is the power of Branding.

[Sammyboyforum]

If At First You Don't Succeed...

An interoffice softball game was held every year between the Marketing Department and support staff of one company.

The day for the game came, and hard as the Marketers tried, the support staff whipped the Marketing Department soundly.

In their best tradition, the Marketing Department decided to find the best 'spin' they could on the dismal result. They showed how they earn their keep by posting this memo on the bulletin board after the game:

"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the recently-completed Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year.

The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game all year."

[Sammyboyforum]

Informed Choice

When a young marketer met his untimely end, he was informed that he had a choice about where he would spend his eternity: Heaven or Hell. He was allowed to visit both places, and then make his decision afterwards.

"I'll see Heaven first," said the salesman, and an angel led him through the gates on a private tour. Inside it was very peaceful and serene, and all the people there were playing harps and eating grapes. It looked very nice, but the salesman was not about to make a decision that could very well condemn him to so sedate an eternity.

"Can I see Hell now?" he asked. The angel pointed him to the elevator, and he went down to the Basement where he was greeted by one of Satan's loyal followers. For the next half hour, the salesman was led through a tour of what appeared to be the best night clubs he'd ever seen. People were partying loudly, and having a, if you'll pardon the expression, Hell of a time.

When the tour ended, he was sent back up where the angel asked him if he had reached a final decision.

"Yes, I have," he replied. "As great as Heaven looks and all, I have to admit that Hell was more of my kind of place. I've decided to spend my eternity down there."

The salesman was sent to hell, where he was immediately thrown into a cave and was chained to a wall, and he was subjected to various tortures. "When I came down here for the tour," he yelled with anger and pain, "I was shown a whole bunch of bars and parties and other great stuff! What happened?!"

The devil replied, "Oh, that! That was just the Marketing Presentation"

[Sammyboyforum]

The Pope and KFC

A Marketing Consultant employed by KFC gained an audience with the Pope, and offered him a million dollars if he would change 'The Lord's Prayer' from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused the offer.

Two weeks later, the consultant offered the Pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the generous offer.

Another week later, the consultant offered the Pope 20 million dollars, and finally the Pope accepted.

The following day, the Pope briefed his staff.

"I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!''

[saltwet]

Thanks for all the jokes here. I really enjoyed myself reading them.

I wish to contribute some and I hope that brothers and sisters here will like them.

Q: What had the Ferarri PRC done wrong?
A: He banged the wrong one. He banged the taxi.

Q: What had the Ferarri PRC done right?
A: He taught all husbands don't anyhow swear to their wives especially this - I'll knock down by the car, if I fuck around

Q: What was the last word from the Ferrari PRC?
A: He excitedly showing off how fast the speed of his Ferrari could go to the lady passenger and he said: "Victoriiiaaaa..."

My first contribution here so if you like it, encourage me by upping me ok?

[bigbirdbird]

A man returned from a very fancy hospital and was telling his friend all about his experience.

Man: The hospital I was in was very specialized.

Friend: How so ?

Man: They had a food nurse who gave you food.
They had a drug nurse who gave you drugs.
They had a coffee nurse who gave you coffee.
Then there was the head nurse...

[bigbirdbird]

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear.

Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought.

"If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.

As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

[bigbirdbird]

Vibrators are better

A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first and then just stop "vibrating."

Vibrators are never too busy watching the game on tv.

Batteries are cheaper than pick up trucks!!

When we're done with them we can stuff them back in the drawer and not hear from them until we're ready.

It's happy to keep going until we're satisfied.

We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want without being called a slut.

Position is your choice, not his.

It always is hard.

It doesn't leave a mess behind.

You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.

It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.

It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.

You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.

Vibrators are better then men because ... They don't get tired after the first time

They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the mood.

Vibrators are better then men because in the morning you don't have to fix it breakfast.

Safe sex without a rubber

A couple batteries and you don't have to put up with the shit, just turn it off when you get done with it !

As long as you have a new pack of energizers the vibrator can keep going and going and going! (while you keep coming and coming!)

Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime, anywhere you want!!

They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.

You don't have to dress up for your vibrator.

You can show it off to your friends.

They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another one

It doesn't leave a wet spot.

It can be stashed away in a drawer.

It doesn't have a mother!!

It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard.

You know exactly where it's been.

Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.

They never come before you do.

[bigbirdbird]

A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband.

"Don't you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer.

"Oh, I still love him," she replied, "but all he ever wants is
sex, I can't take it anymore."

"Instead of divorcing him, why don't you try charging him every
time he wants to make love?" the lawyer suggested.

The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try.

As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put
the move on her.

"Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be $10 in the
kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom."

"Well, then," he said. "Here's $50."

The wife began walking to the bedroom.

"Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. "That'll be five times in
the kitchen!"

[magixskin]

Seeking a raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

-I do physical labour
-I work at great depths
-I work head first
-I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
-I work in a damp environment
-I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
-I work in high temperatures
-My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Response from People & Quality:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

-You do not work 8 hours straight
-You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
-You do not always follow the order of the management team
-You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
-You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
-You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
-You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
-You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
-You don't wait till pension age before retiring
-You don't like working double shifts
-You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work
-And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

[bigbirdbird]

One day Little Johnny went walking around to check out his surroundings and found a farmer selling chickens. Little Johnny went over to the farmer to see how much he was selling them for.

The farmer asked him if he wanted a male or a female. Little Johnny asked for both. So the farmer said, "Here you go, one cock and one pullet."

Little Johnny got confused, and asked him what he meant. The farmer said, "A cock is a male chicken and a pullet is a female chicken."

Little Johnny said, "Oh," and went on his way with two chickens one under each arm. A bit further down the road he saw a donkey for sale.

He went to the man who was selling it to find out how much it was. The man said, "The ass is 15 dollars."

Little Johnny replied, "No, I want the donkey out side in your yard."

The man just said, "That's an ass."

Little Johnny, new to these terms, just said, "Oh," and bought the donkey.

As he was leaving the man yelled out, "Wait, the ass gets a bit stubborn about going over hills, so you have to scratch him behind the ears to get him going again."

So Little Johnny is going back home and the donkey stops dead in its tracks and he can't get it to move. He can't scratch its ear because he would have to drop one of the chickens and it would run away.

So Little Johnny starts to fuss and yell at the donkey. While he is doing this a beautiful woman walks up and asks him if he needs help.

(Little Johnny thinks, hey, why don't I try to impress this beautiful woman by using my new terms that I learned today.)

So Little Johnny turns to the woman and says, "Yeah, could you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?"