Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[cutepig]

Two neighbors, John and Sam, are always competing.

One day John looks over the fence and spies Sam's wife, naked, watering the garden. When Sam gets home from work, John brags to him that he's seen his wife naked.

Sam wants revenge, so that night creeps over to John's yard and catches sight of John's wife performing oral sex.

The next day, Sam approaches John at the mailbox. "Hey, I saw your wife performing oral sex on you last night."

"Ha ha, the joke's on you," John says, "I wasn't home last night!"

[cutepig]

Human Equation

Mom + Dad - Rubber = U

[cutepig]

Q. What did the penis say to the condom?

A. Cover me I'm going in.

[cutepig]

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"

The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"

"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

[Roaring Tiger]

bros,
thanks everyone here four sharing their jokes here.
it is sure relaxing to come into this thread.

[cutepig]

One day, back in the olden days, a cowboy was crossing the desert to do some trading and came upon an Indian. The Indian was laying on his back and had an erection that stuck straight up in the air.
The cowboy asked the Indian what he was doing.
The Indian replied, "Me tell-um time." This made sense to the cowboy, he was using his penis as a sundial.
A few days later, after completing his trading, the cowboy came across the same Indian. This time the Indian was laying on his back vigorously masturbating.
The cowboy asked what he was doing this time.
The Indian said, "Me wind-um watch."

[cutepig]

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven’t seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says “It’s OK. We get it on every week or so but it’s no big adventure, how’s yours?”

Sally replies “It’s just great, ever since we got into S and M.”

Sue is aghast. “Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that.”

“Oh, sure,” says Sally, “He snores while I masturbate.”.

[cutepig]

It looked warm and dark, and juicy and inviting.
I wasn't sure just what I wanted to do with it.
I carefully pulled it apart with my fingers to look into it better.
I knew how great it would be if I just started eating it.


But first I decided to put ketchup on my burger.

[cutepig]

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?'

She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'

'We use it for sex.'

The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all... My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'

[seesaw]

The Postman

On a snowy day in mid-December, a mailman was out on his regular route.

When he arrived at one particular house, a very attractive woman opened the door and greeted him. "My, you look cold out there. How would you like to come in for a nice, hot cup of coffee?"

"I'd love to..." he said, and so he went inside.

After having coffee and talking for awhile, the woman stood up and began walking toward the bedroom. As she walked, she looked back and motioned for him to follow.

Being the gentleman he was, he was not about to insult his host by turning down such an offer. He followed her into the bedroom and...

As he was about to leave and continue his rounds, the woman stopped him and handed him a crisp one-dollar bill.
With a puzzled look on his face, he stared down at the bill and asked, "What's this for?"

"Well", she said, "This morning my husband and I were discussing Christmas and what kinds of gifts we should give to our friends and neighbors. When I asked him what I should give the mailman, he laughed and said, 'Screw him! Give him a dollar!'"

[seesaw]

The 15 year old girl is going on her first date, and her mother warns her not to let the boy put his hands up her dress.

The girl agrees, and the mother is reassured that her daughter will not let the boy put his hands up her dress.

The boy and girl go out, and after a movie and a nosh they are parked in lover's lane.

He makes a move and tries to put his hands up her dress.

She stops him once, twice and three times.

He's all disappointed.

Then she tells him why, "I promised my mother that I wouldn't let you put your hands up my dress. But, you can put your hands down the back of my dress, and it's the second hole you come to!"

[seesaw]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9" high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful Piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish... Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want A million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your Genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks."

"No shit!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 9 inch Pianist?

[bakylotus]

THE SECRET OF A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

Once upon a time a couple celebrated their 25th
marriage anniversary. They had become famous in
the city for not having any conflict in their 25 years
of marriage. Local newspaper editors had gathered
at the occasion to find out the secret of their trouble-
free long relationship.

Editor: 'Sir, its amazingly unbelievable. How did you all
make it possible?'

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said, 'We
were honeymooning in Shimla after our marriage and
were at a stables to pick our mounts to go horse riding.
My horse was quite okay but my wife seem to have picked
a crazy one. One the way ahead, my wife's horse jumped
and she felled to the ground.

She picked herself up, patted the horse on the head and
said, 'This is your first time'. She again climbed onto the
horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened
again. Again she kept calm, got up and said to the horse,
'This is your second time', and continued to ride.

When the horse dropped her the third time, she silently took
out the revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at my wife, 'Why did you do that, you psycho. You
just killed the poor animal like that, you crazy!'.

She gave a silent look and said, 'This is your first time'.

The husband said, 'That's it, we are happy ever after'.

[birdie8819]

A young man was at a pool party for young adults. He dove into the pool and was startled when his swimsuit came off. He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how desperately he looked. Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried to figure out what to do. As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realize that he now sported a raging 8 inch hard on.

Finally, he struck up a course of action. He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly, "Mad dog! Mad dog!" Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a lusty redhead took a more direct course of action. She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch before it gets away!"

[birdie8819]

The New Year's Eve party had turned into a regular marathon with numerous guests coming and going.

At one point, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to the bar in the basement.

He sat there happily for a couple of hours flirting with some of the ladies. He was led to a spare room by one lady where they had sex. When he came back to the bar a strange light dawned on his face. "You know," he confided to his host, "I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my driveway."

The guest continued, "My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved."