Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Oden]

Very nice jokes!!

[TKee]

Originally Posted by QuestForGold

Nice and funny.

Maybe a SAMPLE would be better.

[bigbirdbird]

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.

They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.

The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

[bigbirdbird]

A Marine fell asleep on the beach. He woke up several hours later and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs and was taken to the closest hospital, which happened to be a U.S. Naval Hospital.

His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The lead on the medical staff at the naval hospital, that night, was a Chief Corpsman, in the emergency room. The Chief checked him out and then prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water, electrolytes, a mild sedative, and Viagra.

Rather astounded, the 3rd class corpsman, who was with the Chief inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?"

The Chief replied, "It'll keep the sheet off his legs."

[bigbirdbird]

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge Hole in my ass"

The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let Have a look".

"Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what Could have made a hole as big as that?"

Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant".

The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and Thin, this hole is enormous".

Patient replies "He fingered me first".

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny's mother decided to tell him all about making babies, so she had "the talk" with him. Afterwards Little Johnny just sat there silently for awhile.

"Do you understand?" his mother asked.

"Yes," replied Little Johnny.

"Do you have any questions?" asked his Mother.

"Yes, how about little kittens and puppies?" asked Little Johnny.

"In exactly the same way as with babies", answered his Mom.

"Wow!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "My daddy will fuck ANYTHING!"

[bigbirdbird]

Male Instructional Guide For Relationships

The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women ( i.e., relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out -- while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny was all out of sorts one morning. When his father asked him what the problem was the kid said, "I'm mad at mommy, cause she eats birds."

His father said he didn't know what Little Johnny was talking about.

Little Johnny replied, "I was up late last night and heard noises coming from your bedroom. When I listened at your door, I heard mom say, 'should I swallow it or let it fly'!"

[bigbirdbird]

A man walks into a bar and winks at a pretty girl at the other end "bartender", he says, "I'd like to buy that lady a drink."

"Don't do it," the bartender says, "She's a lesbian."

"You're crazy," he said, "She's beautiful and she winked back."

So the bartender gives her the drink. A minute later she moves down and thanks the gentleman.

"Bartender," he says, "Give the lady another drink."

"I'm warning you," the bartender says as he hands her the drink.

After she finishes this drink she asks if he would like to see her breast.

"YES!!!" he says and the woman lifts her blouse.

After the next drink, and another warning from the bartender, she takes his hand and asks, "Would you like to touch my ass?"

The gentleman replies "OH, YES!!!, DEFINITELY!!!" So he sits with his hand on her bottom and asks for another drink.

The bartender, thoroughly impressed by now and convinced he was wrong in his judgement obliges.

After this she asks " Are you ready to taste a hot, wet, sweet pussy?"

"THANK YOU GOD!!!", the man exclaims, and then "YES!!!!!!!"

At this the attractive lady grabs him by his tie pulls him close, kisses him and says, "Hope you enjoyed!"

[bigbirdbird]

In biology class the teacher asks, "Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?"

Little Johnny raises his hand.

"Go ahead, Little Johnny."

"My uncle told me it's because a whale raped the flounder."

"That's terrible, Little Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents about this. Let's try another one. Why does a lobster's eyes protrude from its head?"

Again Little Johnny raises his hand.

"We'll give you another chance."

"My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder, the lobster saw it, and his eyes popped out in shock."

[lor16geylang]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A man walks into a bar and winks at a pretty girl at the other end "bartender", he says, "I'd like to buy that lady a drink."

"Don't do it," the bartender says, "She's a lesbian."

"You're crazy," he said, "She's beautiful and she winked back."

So the bartender gives her the drink. A minute later she moves down and thanks the gentleman.

"Bartender," he says, "Give the lady another drink."

"I'm warning you," the bartender says as he hands her the drink.

After she finishes this drink she asks if he would like to see her breast.

"YES!!!" he says and the woman lifts her blouse.

After the next drink, and another warning from the bartender, she takes his hand and asks, "Would you like to touch my ass?"

The gentleman replies "OH, YES!!!, DEFINITELY!!!" So he sits with his hand on her bottom and asks for another drink.

The bartender, thoroughly impressed by now and convinced he was wrong in his judgement obliges.

After this she asks " Are you ready to taste a hot, wet, sweet pussy?"

"THANK YOU GOD!!!", the man exclaims, and then "YES!!!!!!!"

At this the attractive lady grabs him by his tie pulls him close, kisses him and says, "Hope you enjoyed!"

return you 11, from lor16geylang, thanks.

[wittyman]

bro thanks, great reading

[bigbirdbird]

There was a preacher in a church down South who was getting more and more distressed by all the "Sunday" Christians who showed up for church on Sunday but were not good Christians the rest of the week. A fire-and-brimstone kind of guy, he got up in the pulpit one Sunday morning and laid into his congregation.

There is SIN in this Church!" he hollered. "You people are all sinners and I'm getting tired of it! Its time to confess to your sins before God and your fellow sinners. We are going to have a cleansing. Right here! Right now! CONFESS you sinners. Tell us your sins and clean yourself in the eyes of the Lord! Who's first?"

He walks down the aisle pointing at first one then another still hollering "Confess" and "Who will be first?"

One man in the back couldn't take it any longer and stood up. "I will preacher. I'm a sinner. I've been spending all my money drinking and whoring instead of taking care of my family." and the

preacher yells back "Good! God will forgive you if you mend your ways." And to the audience, C'mon! Who's next? I want to hear it all!"

And another broke and stood. "I've hit my wife and children. Forgive me God!" and the preacher replied. "Yes! Yes! That's the way! Let me hear it all. Give it all to me." And then another man stood and said "I've taken money from my boss and then used that money to gamble." And again the preacher shouts out in ecstasy, "Yes! Yes! That's the way! Let me hear it all. Give it all to me. I want to hear EVERYBODY! Give it ALL to me!"

And still another man stood and said in a firm voice:
"I've had sex with a goat."

And the preacher replies in a calm voice "Damn, brother! I don't think I would confess to that!"

[bigbirdbird]

A tall Texan rancher in a tall Stetson hat strode into a rather sleazy cocktail lounge with his buddies.

As he passed the veteran waitress bent over wiping a table, he slapped her on the ass and said, "Ah shore do wish Ah had a little pussy."

She glanced up at him without stopping and said, "So do I.

Mine's as big as your hat."

[bigbirdbird]

A teacher puts a photograph of a tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat.

Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, "By fur, Miss?"

The teacher replies, "Not quite right, Mary, but a good try."

Meanwhile all during the lesson, Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying, "Me, Miss!" "Me, Miss!"

The next student the teacher's picks is Peter, and he answers "Is it attached by skin, Miss?"

The teacher replies... "Not quite right either, Peter... Anyone else want to try?"

Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny, "What do you think the tail is attached by?"

Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat... I'd say, it would have to be bolted on!"