Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

My teacher is really giving me a tuff time" Little Johnny was telling his father.

"Handle it this way Johnny," his father advised. "Take special care with your personal appearance and attire. Pay attention in class. And do your assignments and homework promptly."

"I really don't think that'll help Dad," Johnny sighed. "She hissed at me during study break that she's 3 weeks overdue."


**************

"My wife told me about a book on how to find the G-spot.

I went to a book store, but I couldn't find the book... my wife bought it for me.

There were no pictures or diagrams. It just said it was about a third of the way in.

Great. Compared to who?"

[bigbirdbird]

MALE COMEBACKS TO FEMALE COMEBACKS TO MALE CHAT UP LINES...


Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat slut.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: There's no need to get on your knees and suck me off just yet

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my car, don't give a shit where you go.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: That explains the moustache then!

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised.
Man: No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your arse.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to shake off once you've been shagged.

Man: Would you like to dance?
Woman: I'd rather eat glass.
Man: I think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat in those pants

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Fortunately, somewhere else.
Man: Just as well cos I've been shagging your mum while your dad watches.

Man: You're pretty
Woman: Piss off.
Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty... ugly, you fat bitch.

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny goes to school. His first class is English, and the teacher wants the kids to say what they ate for breakfast and spell it.

The first girl says "toast" -- t o a s t.

The second boy says "eggs" -- e g g s.

Little Johnny says "fuckin nothing" -- f u c k i n g n o t h i n g.

The teacher stands him in the corner till lunch.

After lunch Little Johnny is allowed to take his seat. The first class after lunch is geography. The teacher wants to know where the Polish border lies.

Little Johnny shoots up his hand and says, "He's at home on top of my mom. That's why I got fucking nothing for breakfast!"

[bigbirdbird]

Man says to wife I fancy kinky sex,how about I cum in your ear?

Wife says: No I mite go deaf!

Man says: I've been Cumming in your mouth for 20 years and you're still fucken' talking!


**********


A man is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years.

On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor, who says this is a good sign, and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.

The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife.

He rushes out and tells the doctor.

The doctor says this is amazing and is a real breakthrough.

Obviously the sexual stimulation is getting through to the woman's brain.

The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in, then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor is shocked and asks what happened.

"She choked."

[JanMolby]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Man says to wife I fancy kinky sex,how about I cum in your ear?

Wife says: No I mite go deaf!

Man says: I've been Cumming in your mouth for 20 years and you're still fucken' talking!


**********


A man is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years.

On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor, who says this is a good sign, and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.

The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife.

He rushes out and tells the doctor.

The doctor says this is amazing and is a real breakthrough.

Obviously the sexual stimulation is getting through to the woman's brain.

The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in, then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor is shocked and asks what happened.

"She choked."

Hahaa good one! Thanks

[ibanezjem555]

Add 1 more:

The SMRT: Delays in the tunnel. Never tell you when coming. Then, anyhow flood the tunnel. Finally, blame everyone except himself !

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

New Sexual Positions

The IRS position, where you just bend over and take it up the ass with no lube.

The Humidor (requires a cigar and an intern).

The Monday Night Football (actually just doggie style done facing the TV with the game on with her in the football shirt of your favorite team).

The Kentucky Derby (AKA Woman astride) be forewarned if you decide to use the western variant of this (The Rodeo) her spurs WILL wreak havoc on the bed linens!

Oral Submarine. The guy must Dive...Dive ... Dive.

The Bugs Bunny: It's when the guy is on top with the women's legs pinned behind her head.

The British Telecom position: you get SCREWED by them and they never call you back.

The Grenade Position...I'll lay down and you blow the hell out of me.

The Enron Position...no matter what, you're getting it up the ass.

Totally Screwed - the position you in when your spouse comes in early from work and catches you in a position you can't get out of...

The ever-famous "No, you gotta get your leg up higher...no, not like that, like this...NO it's got to be HIGHER than that. No, like this...oh, yeah that'd work...if you were the one with the vagina...NO, would you listen to me? HIGHER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH? You know what? Never mind...I don't even wanna do it anymore. No, I won't give you head. No, we can't try again...Yeah, that's right. I am gonna use my vibrator... Well, I wouldn't have to if you could get your leg up! GAWD!"

[etsys]

An older gentleman goes into a bar and hears the other patrons discussing the ups and down of marriage.
"Next week my wife and I will celebrate our fiftieth anniversary," he tells them.
"That's great. What's your secret for a long and happy marriage," one asks.
"Well, you have to do nice things for your wife."
"Such as?"
"Well, for our twenty fifth anniversary I took her to Italy."
"That is nice. What are you going to do for your fiftieth?"
"I'm going back to visit her."

**************

Husband: Babe, after work I had an accident. Sabrina took me to the hospital.
After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation,
multiple facial injuries. Also, they will have to amputate my right leg.
Wife: Who is Sabrina?

**************

CHURCH SIGN :
WHOEVER STOLE OUR A/C UNITS, KEEP ONE.
IT'S HOT WHERE YOU'RE GOING !

**************

I called an old friend and asked what he was doing..
He said he was working on Aqua -Thermal treatment of ceramics,
aluminum and steel under a constrained environment.
I was really impressed !
Upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water,
under his wife's supervision.

**************

When white men discovered America, Indians were running it.
No Taxes.
No Debt.
Women did most of the work.
Indian men hunted and fished all the time!
White men were dumb to think they could improve on this system.

[etsys]

Doctor : Your Liver is enlarged

Patient : Does that mean it has space for more whisky ?

*(This is called "Positive Thinking"*)

Lady to her dietician :- What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.

Doc :- How come???

Lady :- According to my weight, my height should be 7.8 feet... 😜

*(Now this is called "Positive Attitude" )*

A Man wrote to the bank. "My Cheque was returned with remark 'Insufficient funds'. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank".

*(This is self confidence in its peak )*

This one is *classic* !!

A cockroach's last words to a man who wanted to kill it :

"Go ahead and kill me, you coward. You're just jealous because I can scare your wife and you cannot..!!!!"
**************

[xofirexo]

Thanks for sharing nice joke guys!!

[etsys]

here's one ..

A leader who knows his onions .. unlike the supreme leader who thinks US Virgin Islands is another country ..

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/video/new...a-comment.html

[HelloGenic]

Very good jokes, chase away the Monday blues haha

[bigbirdbird]

On Valentines Day, Paul is walking to his girl's house and passes a florist shop.

On a whim he buys a big bunch of flowers for her.

When he gets to her house he holds the flowers out to her.

Instead to taking them she slides her panties off from under her skirt, lays back on the couch, spreads her legs and says "This is for the flowers."

Paul looks at her and says " Oh come now, surely you have a vase around here somewhere."

[bigbirdbird]

On the first day of the school term the shop teacher was surprised to see a rather proper-looking young lady sitting in the front row of his classroom. Her name was Emily and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodwork class.

The bemused teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class. Emily assured him that she was.

The teacher, still somewhat puzzled, added, "This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?"

"What exactly do you mean?" Emily asked.

"Well, for example, do you know the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the teacher expounded.

After pondering for a moment, Emily admitted, "I can't really say, since I've never been 'bolted' before."

[bigbirdbird]

A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.

Woman asks, 'What are you?'

He says, 'I'm a Fireman'

'But you're only wearing a glass jar?', says the woman.

Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!'

[bigbirdbird]

MEN'S THOUGHTS DURING LOVE MAKING


Kissing/Light Petting

What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath--ewwww!"


Undressing

What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the SIZE of that!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"


Foreplay/Oral Sex

What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours."

What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he cums, I'm going to kill him."


Penetration

What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"


Your Orgasm

What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award for this performance."
What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's name here), yes!"


Postcoital Bliss

What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake feels like."

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."