Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[KuayTutu]

Very good jokes, thanks everyone

[dossier]

Very good joke here. Thanks.

[guem]

Thanks for sharing good jokes here.

[bigbirdbird]

Rules For Living

Love means never having to say, "Does that twenty include the spanking?"

To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either.

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.

We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreck revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the past.

If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when Life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin.
That'll learn him.

Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.

[bigbirdbird]

Tom was in Las Vegas gambling and having a run of bad luck.

He lost all his money and was now waiting for his bank to wire him some more.

He was on his way up to his hotel room when he meets a beautiful hooker in the elevator.

He is smitten with her and tells her that he wants to make love to her right now.

The hooker says, "Honey, if you got the cash, we can make your wish come true."

Tom realizes he doesn't have any money on him yet and tells the hooker that he will have the money in about an hour or so.

The hooker says, "No money, no lovin'"

Tom pleads with her but the hooker does not give in.

She tells him that when he gets the money she will be more than happy to oblige him, but she actually does find Tom attractive so she reaches over to his pants, unzips his fly, takes his penis in her hand and then proceeds to write on it the following - Gloria 357-6262, when you have $$$.

Tom returns to his room and a couple of hours later, the money from his bank finally arrives.

He immediately rushes to the phone to call his "dream woman".

He unzips his pants so he can retrieve the number off his penis, but alas his erection was gone and in order to read the number he starts rubbing his penis frantically.

At that very moment, the maid entered his room to clean and shrieked at this sight.

Tom says to the maid, "Don't worry, I'm just trying to make a phone call."

[bigbirdbird]

Rules of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses

[bigbirdbird]

An Angora rabbit decides he wants good sex, so he goes to one of those houses.

There, he asks the keeper, a fox of course, for a mate. "For you, I got this nice little squirrel," says the fox.

"No, better give me a Boa snake," replies the rabbit.

"But a Boa will eat a little Angora rabbit like you alive!" says the fox.

"Never mind, just give me the woman -- I want a big, long, cold Boa snake," answers the rabbit.

So he is taken to this incredible Boa female. Seeing the little rabbit, the snake swallows it in a second.

But, because it's an Angora rabbit, the Boa, with its stomach irritated by the fur, spits the little animal out, so powerful, that the rabbit lands two kilometres away.

In the end, the rabbit slowly gets on his feet, with a huge smile expressing happiness and content on his face, and proudly says to himself: "Oh, boy, what a blow job!"

[bigbirdbird]

Rhyming Sex Terms

WANKY PANKY - fooling around, naughtier than hanky panky

THRUSTER BUSTER - a sudden noise that interrupts the act of sex, especially a doorbell, the sound of a spouse's car in the driveway, or the shrill voice of an unexpected parent

RUBBER FLUBBER - sudden realization that the condom has broken

BOOBIE LUBEY - stimulation of a female's breasts to arouse sexual interest

DICKIE LICKIE - oral stimulation of the male's private parts

TUSHIE PUSHIE - doggie-style sexual intercourse

PECKER WRECKER - oral sex given to a man by a female wearing braces on her teeth

FUCKIE SUCKIE - oral sex and sexual intercourse both

STINKIE PINKIE - the result of sexual stimulation of the female's private parts by the male's hands

HUMMER CUMMER - I think you can figure out this one all by yourself!

[bigbirdbird]

Roses are red that much is true
But violets are purple not fucking blue.

Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop" ?
Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don’t stop"

After 20 years of marriage, I still get blow jobs.
If my wife finds out, she'll fucking kill me.

Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection.
A fake name and a fake number.

It would be a lot easier to be a hard worker if my company didn’t block access to porn sites on the Internet.

How many guys can participate in a gang bang before it's gay ?

The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word 'Facial' is used.

Women fake orgasms to have relationships. Men fake relationships to have orgasms.

A vagina is like the weather. Once its wet, it's time to go inside

Have you heard of the new movie called "Constipation" ? It hasn't come out yet.

I wonder if Asians put their smileys like this ¦)

I'd like to point out that 'beautiful' has u in it. But, 'quickie' has u & I together.

When Hugh Hefner dies, will he really be going to a better place?

I got raped by an alligator the other day. I think I have gatoraids.

Roses are red. Nuts are round. Skirts go up. Panties go down. Belly to belly. Skin to skin. When it's stiff, stick it in.

Sex, drugs, rock & roll; speed, weed, & birth control. Life's a bitch and then you die, so Fuck the world and lets get high!

I'm trying to write a joke about unemployed people ... But it needs more work

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. 'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks 'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'

Relationships used to be X's an O's , now its just Exes and Hoes...

Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans.

I wish I had parents like Dora. They let that b*tch go everywhere.

A PENIS is the lightest thing in the world. Even a thought can raise it.

Real men don't wear pink, they eat it.

[JackyWoo]

Nice jokes, bro bigbirdbird

[KTVbuddy]

keep the jokes coming, just loved them.

[HexZero2Zero2E]

A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he’s reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, Gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"

His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay."

The husband says, "No, not at all."

His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"

"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."

[RioDeJaneiro]

Nice jokes, bro bigbirdbird

[CirqueduSoleil]

keep the jokes coming, just loved them.

[Informer]

Originally Posted by HexZero2Zero2E

A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he’s reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, Gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"

His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay."

The husband says, "No, not at all."

His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"

"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."

lol.. this is damn funny!