Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bakylotus]

SPECIAL TREAT


Every year on their wedding anniversary,
my boss Woody and his wife celebrated by
staying at the same resort hotel. On their
25th anniversary, as usual they booked a
room at their same favourite resort.

But when the bell captain escorted them
upstairs, they were in for a big surprise.
'There must be a mistake', Woody said.
'This looks like the bridal suite'.

'It's okay', the bell captain reassured
him. 'If I put you in the ballroom it
doesn't mean you have to dance'.

[Playman]

Definition of sex


"Duty", if done with your Wife


"Art", if done with your Lover

"Education", if done with a Virgin

"Business Transaction", if done with a Prostitute

"Social Work", if done with a Divorcee

"Charity", if done with a Widow &

"Sacrifice", if done with your own Hand

[Playman]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[Playman]

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra

'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '
but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '

'I'm 96' said the old man.

'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough

so I don't piss on my slippers. '

[Playman]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

[Playman]

Husband: You have to admit that men have much better judgement than women.
Wife: You’re right. You married me and I married you.
- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -
Fred: Have you ever seen one of those machines that can tell when someone is telling a lie?
Joe: Seen one? I married one
- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – –
Policeman: I am sorry to have to tell you this Mr Brown, but you wife has just fallen into the wishing well and drowned.
Mr Brown: It works!
- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -
Wife: What do you mean coming home half drunk at this time of night?
Husband: It’s not my fault – I ran out of money.
- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -
Husband: Let’s go out on the town tonight and have some fun.
Wife: Yeah, but if you get home before me, remember to leave the front door open.
- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -
Man to marriage counselor: “My wife and I can’t agree on our vacation.
I want to go to Bermuda and she wants to go with me.”
- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Pack up your things! I just won the lottery!” His wife replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”The man responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!”
- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -
There are two times a man does’nt understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage!

[Playman]

Australian Football Grand Final

A man with tickets to the AFL GRAND FINAL finds his seat and relaxes. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
“No”, he says. “The seat is empty.”
“This is incredible,” says the stranger. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the AFL GRAND FINAL and not use it?”
“Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first GRAND FINAL we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1947.”
The stranger replies, “Oh…I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. Couldn’t you find someone else — a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”
The man shakes his head, “No. They’re all at the funeral.”

[Playman]

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly – he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replies. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!!” he exclaims.

“Good,” she replies. “Get your own damn blanket!”

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[Playman]

Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.

The first guy said, “My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won’t let me do any work around the house. It’s incredible.”

The second guy says, “That’s nothing. My wife thinks I’m God.”

“She thinks you’re God? What makes you say that?”

“Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering (dinner) before me.”

[Playman]

Using big people words....


A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana," Wendy said.

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" the teacher instructed. She then asked Joey what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo." He replied.

"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN," the teacher corrected: "Use big people words." She then asked Eddie what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's wonderful," the teacher said: "What book did you read?"

Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said: "Winnie the SHIT!"

[Playman]

Listen closely....


A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "You're the biggest man I have ever seen!"

The man nods his head, and replies: "I'm 6-9, weigh 259 lbs, and I have 16 inches. I'm Turner Brown!"

The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I'm 6-9, 259 lbs, with 16 inches, and my name is Turner Brown."

The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. "Whew! For a minute there, I thought you said 'Turn Around!'"

[seesaw]

There was a young man who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.

The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end."

They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it."

They discussed it and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it."

They discussed it and said that would give him erection problems.

The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks.

The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"

[seesaw]

The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for sexually transmitted diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.

"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate I have flashbacks."

"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."

"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt."

"My last period looked like meat."

"My balls feel soft and mushy."

"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell you they got something unless they mad at you."

"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"

"I got the dripper."

"I have food chunks in my urine."

"Had sex with my daughter's fiancé and then douched with Lysol--feelin' a little raw down there."

"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."

"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."

"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old homosexual man."

"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the sores, they smell like vagina juice."

"Can't you put the swab in further?"

"I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma and my other new baby's momma has disease."

"Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat before it's cooked."

"My cervix hurts when I jiggle."

"The seam in my circumcision split open."

"I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust either of them."

"My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my armpits."

"From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline out of me."

"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me."

"I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a 'chlamydiahoris.'"

"My pee smells like ham."

[seesaw]

This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute.

A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis.

The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for.

He looks up and says, "I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"

"Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"

"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout."

[seesaw]

This is the tale of Freddy Law
whose sexual equipment got jammed in the door.
By the time they freed him, he didn't feel well
for his private parts were mangled to hell.

They rushed him to hospital, the ambulance flew,
but when they arrived, there's nought they could do.
What a bad blow for Fred, condemned without choice,
to live with no sex and a high squeaking voice.

But lucky for Fred, so he wouldn't feel a fool,
some bright spark suggested a "Bionic Tool".
A smart new electric one, made out of brass,
though the batteries would have to be kept up his arse.

Now newly equipped and after a rest,
Fred thought he would put the tool to the test.
So finding a woman, the nearest one handy,
supplied her with drink and made her feel randy

She, without waiting, put her hand in Fred's flies,
as she felt what was there, gave a cry of surprise.
"That's my Bionic Chopper. Now lets have some fun".
"Cor blimey" she said, "It felt like a gun."

They both stripped quick and Fred entered her fast,
he turned up the control knob and gave her full blast.
They clung to each other as Fred's dick shook some more,
then they bounced off the bed and onto the floor.

Now the pace hotted up and they started to choke,
as the room became filled with blue dirty smoke.
With a bang Fred's left bollock shot up in the air,
and his other one went bonkety-bonk down the stair.

So back for repair went Fred full of woe,
Was this how his sex life was destined to go ?
To return to his doctor at the end of each shag
with his tool in his pocket and his balls in a bag ?

But they fixed up young Fred, made him manly again,
for they boosted his batteries with a flex from the main.
So if he cant get a girl, now poor Fred doesn't cry,
he just flicks on the switch and jerks himself dry