Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

A young stud undergoing his first testosterone attack picks up a young lady and after a while drives to a secluded place a mile from the nearest phone. After some preliminaries he says "Put out or walk." The gal says "well, put that way, I'll walk." She gets out of the car and walks back to town.

The next evening the same young stud picks up the same pretty young gal and ends up with the same proposition only this time three miles from town. Same results. She says "I'll walk." And she does.

The following evening same scenario except the young man drives five miles from town and it is raining. She doesn't even hesitate. She removes her clothing, his clothing, and proceeds to give him the wildest night of sex he could wish for. Later he asks her why she refused him the last two nights when obviously she was not new to the sex game. She answered. "I kind of like you. I was willing to walk one mile. I was willing to walk three miles. But I'll be damned if I'll walk five miles in the rain to keep you from catching gonorrhea."

[bigbirdbird]

Two girls were discussing their heavy smoking habits.

"I get such a yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck strongly."

"That's all very well for you," huffed her friend.

"But I don't happen to live in a house that's right on the beach!"

[bigbirdbird]

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.

"Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"

"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complimented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."

About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.

"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.

"I took your advice."

"Didn't you compliment her?"

"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After awhile I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too."

"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.

"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment."

"What did you say?"

"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."

[bigbirdbird]

Medical School Lecture

Professor Higgins at Edinburgh University was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first-year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject, so the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom!

[bigbirdbird]

Shorts


An elderly couple was sitting on the out porch when the husband turned to his wife and, "Muffin, I feel like making love tonight!" The wife replied, "Ok Ernest, I will let you, but be gentle this time." "But I am always gentle with you, dearest," "That's not true, she replied, "the last time you woke me up TWICE!"



What do your parents’ car and testicles have in common?

Hit either one of them and you’re grounded.




What does tightrope walking at 1,000 feet, and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common?

You don’t look down.



There's a reason they call it "Girls Gone Wild," and not "Women Gone Wild." When girls go wild they show their tits. When women go wild, they poison their husband's food!"



What doesn’t belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob? Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can’t beat a blowjob.

[bigbirdbird]

Black Testicles


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - My - Test - Results - Back?"

[bigbirdbird]

Guts and Balls


There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.


Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome. Both are fatal.

[MattJB]

If a woman listens to U for less than 5 minutes then she is Ur daughter.

If a woman listens to U for about 15 minutes then she is Ur sister.

If a woman listens to U for over 30 minutes then she is Ur mother.

And ultimately

If a woman pretends to listen to U all the time but does not remember a word of what U said no matter how important, then she is....???????

..
..

..
..

Yes , Yes....

You are correct!!!!!!
😆
....
.
.

*SHE IS DEAF*

Why unnecessarily bring wife into every joke 🙄

[etsys]

Seen on another site ...

[MacCallumSt]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Black Testicles


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - My - Test - Results - Back?"

I like this hehe

[bigbirdbird]

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again withthe same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th, and you are a hole behind me,so you must be on the 13th."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady .... well, I am in sales also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No I wouldn't," he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.

"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."

With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"

[bigbirdbird]

A man went to a French restaurant. The menu was in French and he spoke no French. When the waiter asked his choice, he told the waiter to bring out the restaurant's speciality.

The man had a truly fantastic meal.

The waiter asked if the man wanted dessert. He responded that the waiter should bring out the restaurant's speciality.

The waiter that it was the peach poosay, and he would order it for him.

A short time later, a waitress came out with a covered silver platter. She took the cover off and there was a peach that had been quartered and pitted.

The waitress proceeded to raise her skirt and take a piece of the peach and push it in and out of her vagina!

She then picked up the rest of the pieces and did the same thing with them.

The man called the waiter over an asked, "Am I actually expected to eat the peach after that?"

The waiter responded, "Why, no, Monsieur. You eat the poosay."

[bigbirdbird]

Top 15 Signs She's Getting Bored Having Sex with You


1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin..

2. She yells out her own name.

3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook more easily.

4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

5. Keeps asking, "Are you SURE you're not gay?"

6. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.

7. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a WAV file.

8. During the act, she screams, "Oh, baby, yadda, yadda, yadda!"

9. You begin to suspect she is only "playing" dead.

10. You find yourself sitting backstage at the Jerry Springer show.

11. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York. (old one!!)

12. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.

13. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.

14 Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?"

15 When you request sex, she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in.

[bigbirdbird]

Rules to Determine if the Sex Counts


Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other:

1. Oral Sex does not count.

2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day, doesn't count.

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex, doesn't count

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn't count

5. Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another thing you share

6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave my legs for this", doesn't count

7. An old flame, doesn't count

8. An ex-spouse, doesn't count, refer to this as a "pity fuck"

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex...not cheating

10. Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation

11. Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex

12. Kissing body parts is not cheating


Are we clear on this?

[bigbirdbird]

Helicopter Pilot





Late Monday morning, the grizzled helicopter pilot finally regained consciousness. He found himself in agonizing pain in the base hospital’s ICU, with tubes up every fundamental orifice, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.

He remembered he'd been in a, no shit, serious flying accident Saturday.


The nurse gave the helicopter pilot a serious, deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

Somehow, he managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your tits, then?”