Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Mail Order Bride


A banker visited his old friend, Tom, an 80-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

Don't ever underestimate the old geezers

[bigbirdbird]

Perfect Woman


An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.

So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.

The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but still...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls.

So, the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, but nevertheless...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better.

So, he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So, they were wed right away.

Months later a baby was born. When the man visited the nursery, he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.

He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, but nonetheless, pregnant when you met her."

[bigbirdbird]

Indian at the State Fair


A young fellow at the State Fair stood watching an old Indian.

Above the old Indian was a sign that read: $5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00!"

The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, "Is the sign right?"

The Indian says, "yes."

The cowboy hands him a fiver and says, "you're on!"

The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming."

The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right!" and strolls away.

A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The Indian says, "you're from Montana!"

The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away.

The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the men's room, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five-dollar bill and says, "do your stuff!"

The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled.

The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the Indian.

The Indian finally says, "You're from New Zealand!"

The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from New Zealand?"

The Indian replies, "by the wool on your zipper."

[palamasar]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Mail Order Bride


A banker visited his old friend, Tom, an 80-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

Don't ever underestimate the old geezers

Nice one bro!

[FOMO]

Thankx for nice jokes.

[fuckwannacry]

Great jokes by bro bigbirdbird, big thanks!!

[35cents]

hilarious! another nice one bro....

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Bite Her Breasts


A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $200 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?”

So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. “Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?”

She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let’s go to that dark alley over there.”

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, “Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?”

“Nah”, he replies. “Costs too much…”

[otamay]

Thanks for the wonderful jokes here to light up your day, more please.

[bigbirdbird]

A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire.

He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap.

After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, "You wanna screwdriver?"

He says, "Hell, we might as well. I can't get this freaking hubcap off anyway."

[bigbirdbird]

A sheep farmer made his monthly journey into town to buy supplies.

While loading up his pickup, he spotted one of the girls who worked at the bordello watching him.

"Say, honey," he asked, "what's the going rate these days?"

"Hundred bucks," she replied.

"If every man raised sheep, we wouldn't need you women," he exclaimed with disgust.

"Yeah," she said, "and if vibrators could cut the grass, we wouldn't need you men, either."

[bigbirdbird]

A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks down and sees a really ugly frog.
Picking the frog up, she comments on the creatures rather hideous appearance...

Princess: My but you are really an ugly frog!

Frog: I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me.
Princess: Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you.

Frog: Look, I told you lady, it's a Really bad spell.
Princess: Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a Prince?

Frog: I don't know lady, a spell this bad will probably take a blow job.

[bigbirdbird]

A Polish girl went to the gynecologist.

She disrobed and got up into the stirrups. The doctor was so shocked at the neglectful state of her vagina he asked, "When was the last time you had a check-up?"

"Well, to be honest with you," she blushed, "I've never had a Czech up there, but I have had several Hungarians."

[bigbirdbird]

A popular newspaper was carrying out a survey on sexual habits and one questioner stopped an elderly Italian gentleman in the street who was wearing a black suit and asked him how often he had sexual intercourse.

"Oh, about half a dozen times a year", said the gentleman. The questioner smiled.

"I thought you Italians were supposed to be sexy!" she said.

"We are," said the gentleman. "But, I don't think half a dozen times a year is so bad for a seventy-two year old priest with no car."

[bigbirdbird]

On a Date


A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.

Abruptly, the girl stopped the boy dead in his tracks. 'I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $50 for sex.'

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After the obligatory cigarette, the boy sat in the driver's seat, staring out the window.

'Why aren't we going anywhere?' asked the girl.

'Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50.'

[bigbirdbird]

A Bourbon and a Coke


A man walks into a bar with his dog and puts the dog on a barstool.

The bartender asks the man what he wants to drink. "I'll have a bourbon and Coke!"

The man then turns to his dog and asks, "What are you going to have, Rover?"

"I'll have a Scotch and soda -- light on the soda," says Rover.

The bartender is skeptical about the dog talking. "Come on," he says, "that dog can't talk -- you're a ventriloquist!"

"No, Rover can really talk! While I am in the restroom, you can have a conversation with him yourself -- but don't let him out of your sight. He is a very valuable dog."

The man goes to the restroom.

When he returns, the dog is gone.

"Hey, where's my dog? I told you not to let him out of your sight."

"Aw, I didn't believe that Rover could talk, so I gave him a quarter and sent him to the drug store to buy me a paper."

"Let's go look for him," said the man..

The two went to the drugstore -- no Rover.

They walked up and down nearby alleys and streets -- no dog!

Finally, they found Rover in an alley on top of another dog, pumping away.

Pointing his finger at Rover, the man says angrily, "How come you are doing this? You have never done this before!"

"First time I ever had any money!"