Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bakylotus]

ONE WORD OR TWO?


An elderly couple, who were both widowed,
have been going out with each other for
a long time.

Urged by their friends, they decided it
was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner
and had a long conversation regarding how
their marriage might work.

They discuss finances, living arrangements
and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was
time to broach the subject of their physical
relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked her
tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently', she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment,
adjusted his glasses, lean over towards her
and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?'

[Roman city]

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her tits and an old man jerking himself off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says “What’s up with your neighbors?” and the owner of the house says “Oh that’s the Robinson’s, they’re both deaf. She’s telling him to go milk the cow and he’s telling her to go fuck herself!”

[bakylotus]

A husband comes home from church, greets
his wife, lifts her up and carries her
around the house.

The wife is so surprised and asked, 'Did
the pastor preach about being romantic?'

The husband said, 'No, he said we must
carry our burdens and sorrows!'.

[bakylotus]

PEDRO AND MARIA


When Pedro and Maria got married, he was
a very experienced man, but she was totally
naive.

On their wedding night, when Pedro removed
his clothes, Maria said, 'Pedro, what is
that?'

Pedro, a quick thinker, replied, 'Maria, I
am the only man in the world with one of
these'. And he proudly showed Maria what it
was for. Maria was happy.

After the honeymoon was over, Pedro returned
to work, only to return home to find an
upset Maria waiting on their front porch.

'Pedro, you said you are the only one in the
world with one of those and yet today, when I
saw Gonzalez changing his clothes behind the
shed, I saw one too'.

Ever fast on his feet, Pedro said, 'Oh, Maria,
Gonzalez is my best friend. Since I had two, I
gave him one. So he is the only other man in
the world with one.

A sceptical Maria accepted the answer, but when
Pedro returned home the next day, he again found
an agitated Maria waiting on the porch.

'Maria, now what's wrong?'

'Dammit, Pedro, you gave the best one to Gonzalez'.

[seesaw]

Top 10 Reasons For Getting Out of Sex

10. I'd love to honey, but I just banged your sister.

9. We're out of paper bags for your head again.

8. You haven't shaved in so long I'm afraid I'd feel I was making love to Big Foot.

7. You're 20 bucks short.

6. We're out of gin again.

5. I used my last sponge for the dishes.

4. Sorry, this isn't a conjugal visit.

3. I can't tonight honey, I spent myself earlier watching all those porno's.

2. Only if you put on this wig and act like a Chinese hooker.

1. Your gynecologist just called. You still have crabs, and you know I don't like seafood.

[seesaw]

An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said, "But you just got a new pair last month!" "Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident," stammered the private.

"Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?"

"No, no nothing of those..." said the private.

"Well then, what is it?"

"I'd rather not tell you sir..."

"Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the medical officer, ready to stand up, "I've to see my patients now."

"No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl," blurted the private.

"Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?"

"You see, she crossed her legs....."

[seesaw]

When Liam decided it was time for his friend Brendan to part with his virginity, he accompanied him to the local whorehouse and explained Brendan's condition to the madam.

"Don't worry, my boy, we'll get a nice lass to take care of ye," she promised.

"Ye just do your part and make sure ye wear one of these."

And the madam took a condom out of her drawer and rolled it down over her thumb by way of instruction.

Brendan parted eagerly with his money and bounded up the stairs to Room 12, where a cheerful farm girl soon showed him the ropes.

After he'd come, a frown passed over her face. "The rubber must have torn," she muttered. "I'm wet as the sea inside."

"Oh no it didn't, Miss," Brendan cheerfully reassured her, holding up his thumb as evidence. "It's good as new."

[seesaw]

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.

One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.

The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.

As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

[seesaw]

Personal Mottos

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

Do I look like a fucking people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing...and I still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

And just how may I fuck you over today?

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

One of us is thinking about sex...

OK, it's me.

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

You look like shit. Is that the style now?

Earth is full. Go home.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out all I wanted was paychecks.

It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

[Roman city]

A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes. “What happened to you?” asked the doctor. “Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cow’s ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that’s when I made my mistake.” The doctor looked puzzled and asked, “What mistake was that?” To which the guy replies, “I said ‘Hey, this looks like yours hun!’

[beary]

Rhyming Sex Terms



WANKY PANKY - fooling around, naughtier than hanky panky


THRUSTER BUSTER - a sudden noise that interrupts the act of sex, especially a doorbell, the sound of a spouse's car in the driveway, or the shrill voice of an unexpected parent


RUBBER FLUBBER - sudden realization that the condom has broken


BOOBIE LUBEY - stimulation of a female's breasts to arouse sexual
interest


DICKIE LICKIE - oral stimulation of the male's private parts


TUSHIE PUSHIE - doggie-style sexual intercourse


PECKER WRECKER - oral sex given to a man by a female wearing braces on her teeth


FUCKIE SUCKIE - oral sex and sexual intercourse both


STINKIE PINKIE - the result of sexual stimulation of the female's private parts by the male's hands


HUMMER CUMMER - I think you can figure out this one all by yourself!

[beary]

Roses are awful
Violets are the pits
Lift up your shirt
And show us your tits

Roses are straight
Violets are twisted
Bend over love
You're about to get fisted

Roses are crap
Violets are wanky
Oooh I've just come
Pass me a hanky

Roses are stupid
Violets are silly
Grease up your flaps
Cause here comes my willy

Roses make me laugh
Violets make me bitter
You're a dirty bitch
And you love it up the shitter
Roses are red
But I like Carnations
You're so bad in bed
That I fucked your Alsation

Roses are red
Violets are finer
Chickens are fowl
Just like your vagina

Roses are red
That's elementary
Let's call up a friend
And try double entry

Roses are shit
Violets are crap
Show me your clit
And I'll come in your lap

Roses are red
Skidmarks are brown
Gimmie a blow job
And swallow it down

Roses are groovy
Violets are funky
I'm thinking of you
And spanking my monkey

[Roman city]

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. “You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant. “No, no, no!” insisted the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

[bakylotus]

Years of smoking finally caught up with
my friend John. One morning when he keeled
over at work clutching his heart. He was
rushed to hospital and peppered with questions.

'Do you smoke?' asked a paramedic.

'No', whispered John. 'I quit'.

'That's good, when did you quit?'

'Around 930 this morning'.

[S.B.Y]

Apa khabar Mas bakylotus

HAPPY Lunar New Year