The one you marry, is not the one you loved most?

[block11]

this thread makes me feel like marriage is a high risk gamble that will end up with an unhappy life...

[Picocloud]

Originally Posted by knn03

I am not holding to the marriage. However, although we are seperated, she is still keen to work on the relationship for the sake of our child and she is naive to think that people can change and therefore everything is possible. She is not aware of my soulmate. However, even without my soulmate, I will not go back too for I know that we are just too incompatible and frankly, those 13 years (including 9 years before marriage) of unhappiness just reinforce it.

You may have broken up with your wife but that doesn't give you the right to criticize her. You call her naive just because she wants to amend your relationship with her, yet forgetting she bears hope because your selfishness has caused you to hide from her your "other" relationship. You talk about being faithful to your soulmate by resisting the very temptation you gave into whilst you were still husband and wife, yet not admitting your unfaithfulness to your spouse, beyond the incompatibility, has played a larger role in the divorce of a marriage that took 13 years to nurture and solemnize. Not to mention when your kid grows up, he will bear a grudge against you because single-handedly raptured this family.

[_AXL_]

Originally Posted by knn03

I have misled her and let her down... but i know i will never commit myself if I stay in this marriage.

bro, personally, i do not know u but why marry her in the 1st place? yr reasons didnt seem like valid reasons to me, even if u plead temporary insanity... haha, just kidding. ask yrself why u married her in the 1st place... did she force u? did she put a gun to yr head? (i hope not...) did u propose to her, or the hdb flat came (not kidding, seen too many...)??? while u r thinking back the time u proposed and wondering what u were thinking, can u recall the look upon her face when u proposed?

Originally Posted by knn03

Actually, the trigger point came when I found a soulmate.

no offence and no malice meant, but i cannot stand u... why did u pull the trigger only when someone else came along? why didnt u pull the trigger when things were bad for u all this while? u r branded the bad guy already, no doubt about it. u have to live with that. yr so-called soulmate, will also bear the blame of a homewrecker. do u think this is fair to her if u decide to make her yr new wife? or she is just another one of yr passerbys...

Originally Posted by knn03

He is still very young... I also not sure if seeing him once a week (assuming standard practice for a divorce) is good for him or bad for him...

yes, it is bad for him...

Originally Posted by knn03

Thanks Bro. I am really happy when I am with my soulmate. However, my wife is not aware of her and thing is a bit tricky from here... I just hope that she can find somebody who can make her happy too...

Anyway, just to share some realisation. I think for all of us, there are always many needs, i.e. financial security, love, being loved, power, authority etc. However, each and every one of us have one particularly strong needs. E.g. Many people who are rich are not happy maybe becos their strongest needs is to be loved. I think the key to happiness is to identify that needs and satisfy it...then the rest will fall in place. For me, its finding a soulmate. Once I found her, I realised that I dont have to rich and powerful to be happy. I have purpose in my life and I am contented.

Just my 2 cents view....

kind of comforted that u r happy now. for how long, i do not know and probably, neither do u. it appears that yr wife and u had communication problems. now u r so glad that u dont have that problem with yr soulmate. but that doesnt mean that u wont have other problems. fundamental or minor, character or minor quirks, u will have to find out for yourself.

the question now is why r u afraid that people, especially yr wife, will find out about yr soulmate? isnt yr truth good enough for these people? the answer is in yr heart... only u yourself can find the answers to all those questions.

finally, i do not mean any offence or trying to start a war with u. actually, felt that u r quite in a fix at the moment. u want happiness for yourself but looking around u, everyone (yr wife, yr child, yr soulmate) is miserable bcos of your decision. yr wife has wasted so many best years of her life on u, yr soulmate will be branded a homewrecker, yr child growing up in a single parent environment, all this due to what? could it be bad luck, yr procrastination, yr confusion of love, yr reasons for getting married in the 1st place? all this, u have to know and face them. right now, i guess u r just avoiding them. so, all the best to u, take care and pls again, dont take offence with my post. i m sound reproachful or aggressive only bcos i felt strongly and passionately for yr situation, but more importantly, i felt sorry for yr wife and child. cheers.

[knn03]

Originally Posted by _AXL_

right now, i guess u r just avoiding them. so, all the best to u, take care and pls again, dont take offence with my post. i m sound reproachful or aggressive only bcos i felt strongly and passionately for yr situation, but more importantly, i felt sorry for yr wife and child. cheers.

It's ok Bro. You are sharing your views and there is nothing to take offence about. There is always 2 side to a coin and everybody is entitled to their opinions. Frankly, if it's me, I will be pretty disgusted with this guy (me) too.

I do admit that I put her life and my child life in jeopardy just becos I am too selfish to pursuit my own happiness. There is no excuse to this and I do not attempt to put forth an excuse either.

There were many many other issues which I do not wish to disclose here (not sure if any of my friends are here). Just for bros who are wondering why I have not resolve this earlier, all I can say its that I hate confrontation situation and many times I just give in to her to avoid a scene. Somewhere along the years, it just doesnt matter anymore....

All I can say is that I do not wish to waste my life anymore.

For the Bro who is upset that I have said my wife as naive, do you really think that people can change?

[Picocloud]

Originally Posted by knn03

For the Bro who is upset that I have said my wife as naive, do you really think that people can change?

People can change but is whether you want to change or continue to stick to your ideals. This is your life so you decide how you want to live. But if I were you, I will rather sacrifice love for family. My father is a living example and hence my family is strong and complete.

[knn03]

Originally Posted by Picocloud

People can change but is whether you want to change or continue to stick to your ideals. This is your life so you decide how you want to live. But if I were you, I will rather sacrifice love for family. My father is a living example and hence my family is strong and complete.

Congratulations to you then and my admiration to your father.

[XuMeiFong]

Knn... personally I sorta found a soulmate or so I think before.. coincidentally, i also have a son and a wife whom i thought was totally unreasonable.

During those time, i really enjoy time with her and could talk about anything and everything. It was so blissful that we could just idle for the whole day seating around each other and time passes so fast when i am with her.

However, after a while, the soulmate got stickly and wanted all the time i could have with her... it started with all the understanding that i already have a family and should spend some time with them to... "what about me !" kinda of talk. And the utlimatum comes when my wife found out... I had to make a choice. No prize for guessing... that i stick with my wife and son.

No sure if I had make the right choice even today at times and is very happy that i am watching my son growing happily every day...

Just my personal experience...

[XboxSG]

Originally Posted by knn03

All I can say is that I do not wish to waste my life anymore.

I believed everyone is entitled to choose what he wants in life.

[_AXL_]

Originally Posted by knn03

It's ok Bro. You are sharing your views and there is nothing to take offence about. There is always 2 side to a coin and everybody is entitled to their opinions. Frankly, if it's me, I will be pretty disgusted with this guy (me) too.

thanks for understanding. me, just a noseyparker... but as things go, the final decision still lies with u.

I do admit that I put her life and my child life in jeopardy just becos I am too selfish to pursuit my own happiness. There is no excuse to this and I do not attempt to put forth an excuse either.

glad u do understand this. yr child will be getting the short straw here. no doubt about it. meeting him once a week is definitely not good for him. as for yr wife, she is trying to change, to get back, which i feel is a good thing. but then again, i have seen many instances whereby women said they will change, but for how long before they revert to their old ways. so, still your own poison. from the frying pan to the fire scenario, only thing is who is the frying pan, who is the fire??? i dont envy your position...

There were many many other issues which I do not wish to disclose here (not sure if any of my friends are here). Just for bros who are wondering why I have not resolve this earlier, all I can say its that I hate confrontation situation and many times I just give in to her to avoid a scene. Somewhere along the years, it just doesnt matter anymore....

my main gripe with sg men who r having this problem, procrastination!!! u decided not to face the problem earlier and thus, when u found a soulmate (according to u), u couldnt get out gracefully. guess u have to take this as a lesson learnt. when things r not going right, u have to take steps to address the problem. putting them aside would not help. problems wont solve themselves.

but then again, i m not advocating divorce, i m advocating facing the problems. if yr wife knew about yr problems with her earlier, maybe both of u would have tried to eradicate these problems... if really cannot, then divorce. then when u have found someone new, no one can say anything about it. but right now, think u know that everyone would pin the blame on u and especially yr soulmate. again, i also dont envy her position. but then again, the good thing out of this matter is that, if yr soulmate isnt worried about beign labelled as a homewrecker, then u might want to delve deeper into her psyche to understand why. just my personal view that proper (think u know what i mean by that) women would naturally feel shame and self-loathing if they were labelled so...

All I can say is that I do not wish to waste my life anymore.

all the best to u again, bro. kinda late for this as u should have done this earlier. but then again, better late than never...

For the Bro who is upset that I have said my wife as naive, do you really think that people can change?

the bro was upset cos u didnt even want to give yr wife a chance!!! i was also quite perturbed with that as well. as much as we know that most women cant change, we have to give each and every individual a chance instead of dismissing her, branding her in a certain stereotype.

think again, if yr wife really changes, then how? also think, she has invested the best years of her life to u, bore u a child. that, to a woman, is usually out of love. she wants to have a family with u!!! think u've got to respect her for that, despite what u dont like about her and her behaviour. u might think that yeah... she wants to be back with u bcos she is old already, the chances of starting a new family with another man has greatly diminished and stuff. that again, may also be true... but it is still yr choice what u r going to do with her.

too longwinded liao, so finally. think real hard before u proceed. please, we r not here to tell u what to do as we do not know yr full story, situation, etc. so, all we r saying here is that whatever u do, pls... pls... think long and hard before u proceed... take good care of yourself and good luck. cheers...

[OceanEleven]

Originally Posted by knn03

I do admit that I put her life and my child life in jeopardy just becos I am too selfish to pursuit my own happiness. There is no excuse to this and I do not attempt to put forth an excuse either.
All I can say is that I do not wish to waste my life anymore.
For the Bro who is upset that I have said my wife as naive, do you really think that people can change?

I guess matters had come to a point where you have to choose a side and stick with it. Be it a mishap or a calamity that your marriage had turned out to be, still I don’t think you have to right to make a meal out of it. You are able to bear with things after marriage and before marriage (yes I remember, no courtship) then why now start blabbering about it when someone comes into your life and tip the balance?

I would rather view it as irresponsible and very egocentric of you all this while where you can make a difference in the beginning but you choose to chuck matter aside and feign ignorance all along till you found your little life saving plank of wood in the ocean. Then you choose to ditch what you had been clinging on to for the past decade. Fair? I seriously doubt so. Perhaps you view impartiality as a deem as you fit and after so many years gone by and now is time for your grievances to be address with justice best serve cold?

Looking back, not only you had wasted your life but also the best part of her life as well. Rather then trying to salvage whatever and work out a solution, you choose to ditch all that had clung on to you for so long. Perhaps you should reconsider your options right now and think now only about yourself.

[WillamSexsphere]

There are several different perspectives to Knn's case and as usual in life's circumstances, there are 2 sides to a coin, more so in a complex issue such as the sacred bond between 2 persons in the name of love called marriage. Best to comprehend both sides' views before condemnation be issued, though he/she who condemn others best judge himself/herself before casting the first stone.

Most men accepts the blame when a marriage breaks down, hangs his head down and quietly goes on with his life, for who cares for the men or listens to his story? Others will support the wife, being the weaker sex but they had forgotten that equality exists in our sg constitution.


Responsibility
---------------

I can show you examples of what is truly irresponsible, such as men who string women along, even impregnating them with no intention of marriage, but Knn had already did the responsible thing by marrying that girl,( no mean financial feat in our age where we cant grow vegetables, plant fruit trees and rear hens for food in our backyard ) and provided the state with a new population count.

For 9 long years he had did his duty faithfully, in the hope that the lady would change and her temperament and attitude - as we men had changed from impressionable small boys into men with honour through our compulsory National Service system.

The responsibilities of marriage are great, espacially the financial aspect. Unlike our forefathers jurrasic age where 9 to 5 is the norm, our modern fully connected globalised age is 24/7, from the roadsweeper who cleans up the streets before dawn each morning to the jet setting CEO flying different time zones to make money to pay taxes and his staff to earn a few bucks.

Thus, the Sg men have to spend more time to earn more money to put food on the family table. The only ones who work 9 to 5 regularly draws a meagre $1000 odd/mth, hardly enough to feed himself let alone a family.

In our current times, we sgmen are underpaid in order to compete in the global environment, accepting salaries that of 3rd world wages but expected to perform 1st world standards.

9 years of slotting with little time for romance, just work to provide in the name of marriage committment, saddled with a wife who do not understand or seek to understand. So is he irresponsible?

Over-familiarity
-----------------
If a house is not a home, where quarrels live instead of comfort, lives taken for granted, should the man be held accountable or the environment?

We all make mistakes in our youth, but the greatest mistake is to think that we can change our sg women. The pampared princesses never change but instead expect miracles from us men - military/economic robots created to please both the state and our women but not ourselves.

If the women continues to treat us men shabbily and with highly deluded romantic expectations in the early years, do you expect us men to treat them well when beauty turns wrinkled? Therefore, young sgwomen best consider their actions carefully.

Sgmen may seem submissive to their wives, hardworking and caring in our conservative ways, but if pushed to the limits, the only way is to strike back - through the courts, usually forced upon and initiated by the womenfolk. Once there, there is often no looking back anymore.

Reconcilliation
--------------

It is still my fervant hope that reconcilliation be possible. But we sgmen are a pragmatic lot. We search and use past empirical results to determine the course of future. And Knn's partnership future doesn't look bright - suppressed of his needs due to honour to the oath of faithfulness and responsibilities for 9 long years under a totalitarian regime devoid of mutual happiness.

Both youth had been wasted, not just one party's. Its a price one pays for mistakes committed when young. But it's not too late for both parties to start life afresh again, to look for the desired companion and love no matter what age one is, for love is eternal and ageless. Like fine wine, it matures with age. The only reason why divorcees remain unmarried if not because of choice is because they never grow up - just grew old.

Children
---------
If animals can love and care for their offsprings, why not more so us? It's noble to live a loveless marriage for the kids sake, but can one live without love and to some extend sex? Won't the kids feel even more emotionally scarred if they found out one's dad or mom is eating outside, breaking their vows, thus will they learn to do the same?

Isn't it better to let them learn to accept the truth, come to terms in time with it? Afterall, in local divorces, no court will separate and deprive either parents of their role in the child's upbringing.

-------

When love hits the rock in a marriage, each will face the toughest decision to make in their lives. But a decision must be made or lives will be further lost. However, once made, whether to go or to stay, never look back either way again, or the sense of regret will kill you in time.

I did not write this post to defend Knn ( only if applicable for i know not both party's story ), but to share what others and i had gone thru, so that with this post and other posts in this discussion thread, those who are in a similar predicament may understand the issues better and make an informed decision.


Cheers!


.

[JWNY]

Originally Posted by WillamSexsphere

There are several different perspectives to Knn's case and as usual in life's circumstances, yada yada yada...

Bro WillamSexsphere...your post so long and detailed think can trust you to be my MP...come, show us your manifesto!

JWNY

[jng1103]

Originally Posted by WillamSexsphere

There are several different perspectives to Knn's case and as usual in life's circumstances, there are 2 sides to a coin, more so in a complex issue such as the sacred bond between 2 persons in the name of love called marriage.

Bro William, ur post is indeed fascinating and thoughtfulness. I wish I could write as good as U... Just love to read ur posts. I've copied ur post and mailed to my CO and hopefully she will understand how we feel deep inside our heart.

kudos to U, deservedly +5points from me.

jimbo

[kinjio]

so true....

[Derelict]

Originally Posted by block11

this thread makes me feel like marriage is a high risk gamble that will end up with an unhappy life...

Every action taken in this day and age is a risk. Walk down the street might be the last thing you ever do. But than people do die for love just take a look at our history. There are so many examples. Than again, you might not have felt true love before if you feel like what I quoted. Anyways, I bid thee good luck in finding your better half.