Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[NuclearBlonde]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

Very suay cow hahahaa

[StrongBrew]

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry.""Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"The old man answers, "Is name of owner."The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?""Me, is right here," replies the old man."You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?""Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen." Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'I say, Sam Ting."

[StrongBrew]

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, DeNephew.

[StrongBrew]

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.""Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George."I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared."Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.""Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

[kowgal]

Originally Posted by StrongBrew

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.""Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George."I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared."Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.""Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

This is funny ROFL
Nice share bro!!

[steamsauna]

Originally Posted by StrongBrew

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, DeNephew.

This uncle damn jialat

[Hurricane88]

*A damn good one!*....it's called equal rights.

The phone bill was exceptionally high so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.

All of them were shocked and together looked at the maid who was patiently listening to them.

Finally the Maid said, "What you all looking at me? So we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??

[warbird]

The Cop, The Hooker and the Flashlight

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

"Fifty bucks," she says.

He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden, a light flashes on them... it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

[bigbirdbird]

SIGNS SHE IS BORED IN BED:

Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.

Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.

Only moans during commercial breaks.

You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.

During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda."

Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.

Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"

Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.

Starts her fake orgasm during foreplay

[bigbirdbird]

Men's Thoughts During Love Making



Kissing/Light Petting

What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath--ewwww!"



Undressing

What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the SIZE of that!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"



Foreplay/Oral Sex

What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the altar of your impressive manhood for hours."

What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he cums, I'm going to kill him."



Penetration

What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"



Your Orgasm

What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award for this performance."

What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's name here), yes!"



Postcoital Bliss

What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake feels like."

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."

[bigbirdbird]

No Money in Vegas


Tom was in Las Vegas gambling and having a run of bad luck.

He lost all his money and was now waiting for his bank to wire him some more.

He was on his way up to his hotel room when he meets a beautiful hooker in the elevator.

He is smitten with her and tells her that he wants to make love to her right now.

The hooker says, "Honey, if you got the cash, we can make your wish come true."

Tom realizes he doesn't have any money on him yet and tells the hooker that he will have the money in about an hour or so.

The hooker says, "No money, no lovin'."

Tom pleads with her but the hooker does not give in.

She tells him that when he gets the money she will be more than happy to oblige him, but she actually does find Tom attractive so she reaches over to his pants, unzips his fly, takes his penis in her hand and then proceeds to write on it the following: Gloria 357-6262, when you have $$$.

Tom returns to his room and a couple of hours later, the money from his bank finally arrives.

He immediately rushes to the phone to call his "dream woman".

He unzips his pants so he can retrieve the number off his penis, but alas his erection was gone and in order to read the number he starts rubbing his penis frantically.

At that very moment, the maid entered his room to clean and shrieked at this sight.

Tom says to the maid, "Don't worry, I'm just trying to make a phone call."

[Hurricane88]

Online dating...


sammyboyimage]254348[/sammyboyimage]



another nice joke...

[rawboy83]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

another nice joke...

this is very nice.

[liebherr]

Post for sharing purpose.

Pardon me if this has been shared before

[StrongBrew]

A professor at the University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, a young Arab student raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Arab student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, dear, tell us what it's like to have sex with a
ghost?'

The student replied, "Wallah Habibi, from back there I thought you said "Goats."