Wife & Sex - going through the motion

[needtofuck]

Hey Jim,
I have been reading through all these post and you have provided us with very sensible comments.

You said "Counsellor" numerous times, where, when and how ?
Any "good" ones to recommend ?

I like many of our bros here who are facing issues with the MRS at home, they dont respect us, no sex, no this and no that.....I am desperate to fix my marriage or more like whats left of it.

I have two very lovely daughters which I have not intention of breaking their hearts.

Thank you.

[analog]

Originally Posted by needtofuck

Hey Jim,
I have been reading through all these post and you have provided us with very sensible comments.

You said "Counsellor" numerous times, where, when and how ?
Any "good" ones to recommend ?

I like many of our bros here who are facing issues with the MRS at home, they dont respect us, no sex, no this and no that.....I am desperate to fix my marriage or more like whats left of it.

I have two very lovely daughters which I have not intention of breaking their hearts.

Thank you.

Bro Needtofuck!

Good nick, ha, ha!
Here is what you need:
http://app1.mcys.gov.sg/Policies/Mar...unselling.aspx

There is a 1800 number to get the one nearest you. You can also go here:
http://app.mcys.gov.sg/web/serv_newd...?Services_Id=2
Click on the one nearest you and email them.

Be polite, sincere and direct, don't beat around the bush. This is serious stuff and MCYS wants to keep your family together so they take it very seriously. I emailed them when I was at the end of my tether and they responded within an hour. You then fix a time for an appointment and you go alone the first time.

After you do, talk to your wife about it....be warned, it will SHOCK HER! So, if you see the counsellor Monday, Monday evening you talk to your wife and pre-discuss with the counsellor to call her Tuesday. When you do talk to your wife, you have to get something out in the open immediately:
"Do you want to stay married to me?".

If she says no, which lets face it, is a possibility, there is nothing more to discuss. If she says yes, then you move forward. Like I've said before, both of you must want to stay married, if one of your doesn't, its over. It takes two hands to clap. Except it for what it is, be an adult.

Regardless, the counsellor will call her Tuesday and she will make an appointment to see the counsellor. Remember, the family court will force you into counselling anyway so you might as well go now.

Now, you need to brace yourself for what comes next. You will meet the counsellor together and these meetings can be somewhat uncomfortable for both of you because the counsellor doesn't do much except ask you both questions and get you talking to each other. Your wife is going to tell you many things that you do that PISS HER OFF!. This is not a one way street lah. We all know what pisses you off about her, no sex. But at least this stuff gets out in the open. After that, you need to make a plan and this is what guys are good at. LADIES, LISTEN PLEASE:
Men look at problems, think of a solution and fix the problem. This is how a man's brain works, its our "id", this is us. Women, like to endlessly talk about problems.....men don't. A man sees something wrong and wants to fix it. So, the counsellor will get you both to work out a plan on what you BOTH need to do to get the relationship back to where it needs to be. Look, if you're not talking to each other its unlikely you'll be fucking, right?

DON'T ARGUE, listen. She's going to tell you all the shit that you do that dries her pussy up. And there is going to be lots, women are like that and she's had it bottled up for a while. Be prepared.

What bugs you about her? no sex......men are pretty simple, eh? Ha, ha!

Bro, go and do it, you'll feel better, Right now this is killing you inside. No married man should have to live like a Monk.

Move forward, its uncharted territory but its better than where you are now.

Cheers,
jim

[analog]

Originally Posted by mr nice guy

thanks jim.. but, like i said, its not my wife fault.. so, she may look like a pornstar but im still not intrested.. maybe im gay?? hahahahahah.. just kidding.. maybe im not into sex.. is tat wrong? i will only hve sex to satisfy her instead of mine..

im confused yet im happy its like this... i have other better things to do other than having sex.. like , family life, spending time with kids and wifey ( and i mean, go out shopping etc), playing soccer, practising my guitar and piano, playing computer games..

well i guess, different people different problem..

Bro Mr. Nice Guy:

Its good that you are happy the way you are, but.......
You need to make sure you wife is happy the way you are. You don't want to wake up one morning and find out she has a lover or something, and don't think it can't happen to you bro.

Make sure she's happy with your current sex life.

cheers,
jim

[astroboy76]

Originally Posted by mr nice guy

thanks jim.. but, like i said, its not my wife fault.. so, she may look like a pornstar but im still not intrested.. maybe im gay?? hahahahahah.. just kidding.. maybe im not into sex.. is tat wrong? i will only hve sex to satisfy her instead of mine..

im confused yet im happy its like this... i have other better things to do other than having sex.. like , family life, spending time with kids and wifey ( and i mean, go out shopping etc), playing soccer, practising my guitar and piano, playing computer games..

well i guess, different people different problem..

You and me.... juz the opposite.... give you my wife and you give me yours! Hahaha...

[ferragamo]

I am glad I started this thread. Due to the sharing from many people, I have seen that I am not alone in this problem.

And bringing it out in the open, perhaps will wake up some wives to what is happening in their marriage.

Not all men fuck around because of need for variety , there are some of us that really really actually just want to have sex with our wife, not just poke in and out then watch tv, but sensual sex that both husband and wife enjoys.

The problems start when this disappears from the marriage

Jim has given some real world advice on marriage counselling, and this is very good.

I think marriage preparation courses should emphasize to the couple, especially the wife, that good sex is crucial in a marriage. Instead of only covering finances, kids, in-laws and religion.

It is also heartening to see other guys also say that they choose not to divorce because of their kids well being. I think this is very important. Kids are innocent, they never asked to be born.

Nowadays the young couples are too self centered and too easily say 'let's divorce', without thinking of the children. This is a cursed path that our society is heading down towards.

If this thread saves just one marriage, perhaps something good has come out of the rest of our suffering. Better than nothing.

[analog]

Originally Posted by ferragamo

I am glad I started this thread. Due to the sharing from many people, I have seen that I am not alone in this problem.

And bringing it out in the open, perhaps will wake up some wives to what is happening in their marriage.

Not all men fuck around because of need for variety , there are some of us that really really actually just want to have sex with our wife, not just poke in and out then watch tv, but sensual sex that both husband and wife enjoys.

The problems start when this disappears from the marriage

Jim has given some real world advice on marriage counselling, and this is very good.

I think marriage preparation courses should emphasize to the couple, especially the wife, that good sex is crucial in a marriage. Instead of only covering finances, kids, in-laws and religion.

It is also heartening to see other guys also say that they choose not to divorce because of their kids well being. I think this is very important. Kids are innocent, they never asked to be born.

Nowadays the young couples are too self centered and too easily say 'let's divorce', without thinking of the children. This is a cursed path that our society is heading down towards.

If this thread saves just one marriage, perhaps something good has come out of the rest of our suffering. Better than nothing.

Brother Ferra:

I'm glad you started this too.

But realistically, I'm not sure how much pre-marriage courses help. Before marriage, as you recall, both of you couldn't keep your hands off each other, its bliss. After marriage its even better,but after kids.....
The problem is, a 25 or even 30 year old woman that has no kids that is horny all the time simple cannot envisage that they would even lose their sex drive for whatever reason. And even if they could, most will have no idea what this will do to their marriage. The modern woman really thinks that laying there like a piece of liver while hubby pumps is sex.....i'd rather have a hand job, at least she's paying attention to you. A husband likes to think that his wife enjoys sex and actually WANTS to have sex with him. Most women miss this point.

We'll just keep talking and see how it goes. i live him hope, I guess we all do.

Cheers,
jim

[mr nice guy]

Originally Posted by astroboy76

You and me.... juz the opposite.... give you my wife and you give me yours! Hahaha...

hahahahahaha.. u wish huh???

let us both live with it.. this is FATE.. heheheh..

[Tualampa]

I think most married couple will go thru the same cycle.

For myself wife got back to work after seven years of stay home mum thingy. By the time after dinner, her battery is almost depleted. And alot of times I tried to initiate a session by massaging her and stuff. She ended up sleeping away haha. Think this happend many occasions.

Now I wait for her to initiate the session! :P Good thing is our session is still enjoyable. But on many nights I was left high and dry ended up with some DIY sessions.

Suggestion for TS, may be you should explore into some "toys" for your intimate sessions. Trust me, will make a difference. Else find some ECA like our bros here suggested (like me as well). ECA like getting HJ from massages if you feel that going to geylang is not "ethical" for you.

Just my 2 cents.

[korg2020]

It is very interesting reading all the feedback from the guys and gals out there. I believe there is no one right or wrong answer, as no two persons are alike in their thinking and behavior...

But maybe, to be fair to the women, sex should not be the only thing that binds a relationship or marriage together....there are many other factors such as communication, interests, goals in life etc that keeps a relationship going...

In everything we do, there is also the laws of diminishing marginal utility...day 1... best, day 2...good, day 3...ok and so on, and it takes efforts of both parties to keep the intimacy alive as years goes by, especially after the kids are born and when a mother, in her natural instinct, cares and dotes for the child...

And not to mention societal pressures on women who are working, which in the past, most women were home makers so do not feel so much stress as the women of today...

But of course, as a guy, we do have our needs as well and I guess the only way is to find the elusive mid way where both can compromise on meeting each other needs...but most often, depending on our own circumstances and factors beyond our control (work, financial situation, family background, kids, etc), it is much easier said than done...

Just wanted to give my thoughts after reading very good insightful posts from all. Kudos to TS for initiating this discussion!

[hickeybites]

Originally Posted by ferragamo

I am glad I started this thread. Due to the sharing from many people, I have seen that I am not alone in this problem.
And bringing it out in the open, perhaps will wake up some wives to what is happening in their marriage.
Not all men fuck around because of need for variety , there are some of us that really really actually just want to have sex with our wife, not just poke in and out then watch tv, but sensual sex that both husband and wife enjoys.
The problems start when this disappears from the marriage
Jim has given some real world advice on marriage counselling, and this is very good.
I think marriage preparation courses should emphasize to the couple, especially the wife, that good sex is crucial in a marriage. Instead of only covering finances, kids, in-laws and religion.
It is also heartening to see other guys also say that they choose not to divorce because of their kids well being. I think this is very important. Kids are innocent, they never asked to be born.
Nowadays the young couples are too self centered and too easily say 'let's divorce', without thinking of the children. This is a cursed path that our society is heading down towards.
If this thread saves just one marriage, perhaps something good has come out of the rest of our suffering. Better than nothing.

Dear Bro ferragamo,
It is heartening to see such thoughts coming from husbands like you & some other bros here. Your post prompted more thoughts from me... hope you guys don't mind my 2nd input here.
On a positive note, I like to believe that your wives do appreciate you but perhaps show/ demonstrate in other ways -- just not via the channels of physical intimacy or bedroom antics.

We all know the saying "Women marry men hoping they'll change. Men marry women hoping they won't". Going back to the major grouse of this thread -- how did the lusty sex kitten that you men married become a dead fish? I'm not saying that it's okay to be a dead fish (I think no female samsters would like to think we're dead fishes - irk!) but hoping & expecting your female partner to continuously possess the never-flagging appetite of a succubus, from her 20s all the way to her 50s -- that is quite tough especially after kids & body changes etc.
Plus: as parents, would you as fathers (or mothers) actually impart to your own daughters that being wild & slutty is important to keeping a marriage alive?
I know for sure that my own parents would freak out majorly if they know that I'm erm... "hungrier" now .
Just saying that we do grow up with social norms & pre-conceived ideas that are rather hard to kick. It's kinda expected that being a good mother, a respectable wife holds precedence...
I'm NOT saying that I or most women agree with this expectation. Just pointing out what society still expects as such (other than the world of sbf). Double-standards.. that's life.

Change is constant... and in this case, I guess we all hope that our partners would not change for the worse i.e. become dead fish especially since your wives had displayed a wild slutty side before. Just proposing perhaps some management of expectations? Of course I fully support marital counselling or even sexual counselling... and exercise. Nothing like exercise of some form to get our juices going

Ending with an anecdote... some time back, a gf (obviously a current-low-sex-drive one) was grousing to me about similar topic. That her husband was demanding sex on tap i.e. at any time to drop trou and get it on. They have 2 kids and like most S'porean couples of today, bogged down with obligations, bills etc. Her complaint: "How can he expect me to still behave like a sex kitten & do it all over the place? The sex kitten in the past didn't have responsibilities, in-law issues, screaming kids ok???"

My tongue in cheek reply - "Don't be a sex kitten lor. BE THE TIGRESS in the bed instead!" (That earned me a dirty glare )

[analog]

Originally Posted by korg2020

It is very interesting reading all the feedback from the guys and gals out there. I believe there is no one right or wrong answer, as no two persons are alike in their thinking and behavior...

But maybe, to be fair to the women, sex should not be the only thing that binds a relationship or marriage together....there are many other factors such as communication, interests, goals in life etc that keeps a relationship going...

In everything we do, there is also the laws of diminishing marginal utility...day 1... best, day 2...good, day 3...ok and so on, and it takes efforts of both parties to keep the intimacy alive as years goes by, especially after the kids are born and when a mother, in her natural instinct, cares and dotes for the child...

And not to mention societal pressures on women who are working, which in the past, most women were home makers so do not feel so much stress as the women of today...

But of course, as a guy, we do have our needs as well and I guess the only way is to find the elusive mid way where both can compromise on meeting each other needs...but most often, depending on our own circumstances and factors beyond our control (work, financial situation, family background, kids, etc), it is much easier said than done...

Just wanted to give my thoughts after reading very good insightful posts from all. Kudos to TS for initiating this discussion!

Bro Korg:

Hmmmm..... Sorry, I'm calling bollix on most of what you said. It smacks of latter day left wing cultural relativism. Its as if you're trying to come off super sophisticated by being so above it all that everybody is wrong and nobody is right. You sound like Obama.

BOLLIX!

"as no two persons are alike in their thinking and behavior..."...what's next, you going to tell us that water is wet?

There is so much crap here.....let me just ask you two questions:

Are you married?

How old are you?

That will answer everything.

Cheers,
Jim

[Rickey]

Originally Posted by korg2020

But maybe, to be fair to the women, sex should not be the only thing that binds a relationship or marriage together....there are many other factors such as communication, interests, goals in life etc that keeps a relationship going...

But of course, as a guy, we do have our needs as well and I guess the only way is to find the elusive mid way where both can compromise on meeting each other needs...but most often, depending on our own circumstances and factors beyond our control (work, financial situation, family background, kids, etc), it is much easier said than done...

Just wanted to give my thoughts after reading very good insightful posts from all. Kudos to TS for initiating this discussion!

Tink bro korg2020 misses the point here abt the marriage relationship...yes, tis true, sex is not the only factor tat binds the relationship, it does include the others as he mentioned...but SEX is indeed a very IMPT one tat keeps the married r/s going and giv it some meaning...o/w why get married and get entangled with each other with so much responsiblities & problems of living together...if only sharing interests & similar goals in life, are just wat we are interested in, we can do these outside of marriage, by just being good frens or acquaintances...no need to live under the same roof as marriage requires...but then on the other hand, if we are just merely good frens & acquaintances, we are restricted frm having sex wif each other, shd we somehow feel the mutual urge to, simply bcos we are NOT married...& tats why pple marry...it is the ONLY society's licence we can obtain to legitimately hav sex wif some one we feel we love & want to live together forever.... & tat marriage licence allows sex with ONLY each other...& no one else...

Originally Posted by hickeybites

Dear Bro ferragamo,
It is heartening to see such thoughts coming from husbands like you & some other bros here. Your post prompted more thoughts from me...
On a positive note, I like to believe that your wives do appreciate you but perhaps show/ demonstrate in other ways -- just not via the channels of physical intimacy or bedroom antics.

as parents, would you as fathers (or mothers) actually impart to your own daughters that being wild & slutty is important to keeping a marriage alive?
I know for sure that my own parents would freak out majorly if they know that I'm erm... "hungrier" now
Just saying that we do grow up with social norms & pre-conceived ideas that are rather hard to kick. It's kinda expected that being a good mother, a respectable wife holds precedence...
I'm NOT saying that I or most women agree with this expectation. Just pointing out what society still expects as such (other than the world of sbf). Double-standards.. that's life.

. some time back, a gf (obviously a current-low-sex-drive one) was grousing to me about similar topic. That her husband was demanding sex on tap i.e. at any time to drop trou and get it on. They have 2 kids and like most S'porean couples of today, bogged down with obligations, bills etc. Her complaint: "How can he expect me to still behave like a sex kitten & do it all over the place? The sex kitten in the past didn't have responsibilities, in-law issues, screaming kids ok???"

My tongue in cheek reply - "Don't be a sex kitten lor. BE THE TIGRESS in the bed instead!" (That earned me a dirty glare )

Oh !..tats cute sis hickeybites...a very good reply u gave yr fren ....

Not sure they do deep in their hearts...even if so, most wives certainly DUN show their appreciation to their other half...tats frm wat we hav read frm bros accounts here of them...giving their HBs rude, curt & insulting response & showing anger when approached for sex..

If parents really love their children esp their daughters, i believe they shd be brave enough to tell them in a matter-of-fact way tat SEX is very IMPT to keep their man satisfied & helps pre-empt them frm straying to another woman...oso to tell their daughters tat they shd continue to show their HBs their love & respect even after marriage...believe tat being responsible parents, we owe them a duty to help prevent a divorce frm ever happening in their marriages...esp when we ourselves hav oredi encountered the dangers & know all too well the pitfalls of marriage relationships...

Yes, sis, those were the days when sex was taboo to our parents ...yah, they wld be horrified to know we hav such high libido... but 2day, i believe we shd not allow those tots & tinking of the conservative past held by our parents, to hold us back, esp if it is within the confines of the matrimonial home...& more so, if it is for the good & benefit of our children...sex is created by God to be enjoyed & never meant to be shameful...really nothing wrong for each & every1 of us to have sexual desires...only tink is, society does not approve of us displaying our horniness in public places....just my 2 cents worth of tot

[charisme]

Originally Posted by Rickey

If parents really love their children esp their daughters, i believe they shd be brave enough to tell them in a matter-of-fact way tat SEX is very IMPT to keep their man satisfied & helps pre-empt them frm straying to another woman...oso to tell their daughters tat they shd continue to show their HBs their love & respect even after marriage...believe tat being responsible parents, we owe them a duty to help prevent a divorce frm ever happening in their marriages...esp when we ourselves hav oredi encountered the dangers & know all too well the pitfalls of marriage relationships...

I love my kids but i would nvr tell them tt sex keeps their man frm straying. Cause even with sex provided at home. man somehow will still find reason to have an affair outside. like many here says. more variety. sick of just the one at hone.

sex is impt. but it is not the main reason for keeping the marriage alive. if the husband is just in it for sex. i would tell them to leave ur hubby. Make sure he really do love u very much for who u are not just in bed. no women should be subjected to being in a marriage that is based on sex.
i would tell my sons. love ur wife. treat her well. Making love is a bond between the both of u. but nvr ever make use of her just to fulfil ur sexual needs. it is pure disrespect to her n urself.


Marriage is like a building. True love n communication is what keeps it going, the foundation for it to remain strong. making love is the exterior, the designs to beautify it, bringing sparks to it. the kids are the interior. U add them on to ur life when the foundation and exterior are completed. U want to protect them. When the sparks(exterior) wears out. Make an effort to paint it again. Bringing the sparkles back..

[Frankiestine]

Originally Posted by silkypussy

Have you all considered that your wife needs to be put in the right mood so that both of you can have enjoyable sex? Have you considered putting yourselves in your wife's sitaution?


I think you should consider the following , have you thought of wining and dining your wife? Yes may be corny - but let me tell any women of ANY AGE , will love to receive flowers, go to dinner and be told how they are being valued. Try that, you will be surprised how they will react back to you men.

Hullo sista, you think we guys haven't tried everything in the book to try and rekindle the romance? From dinners to couple spas, I remembered reading that woman needs to be paid in order to have sex but the form of payment comes in many ways, hence it may come in the form of a dinner, flowers etc...after everything end of the day lie in bed what the response....too tire... yet stay up to watch those silly korean dramas till late in the morning...how not to get tire!!!

And before any women here pass judgment on the monster here, let me say from day one I have been the one to be most actively involved with my kid life...i should know cos i was a stay home dad for 4 years since my oc gave birth...from day 1 she is those sort who takes a hands off approach to everything (she even admit it, come to mommy for fun but daddy for studies)...even till today I am the one that keeps the house in order...first to wake up so as to prepare my kid to school, make the beds (noticed its plural not singular)...drive everyone to school and work then head off to office, after work rush back get dinner fetch kid..weekend...clean up the house...ok she does the occasional cooking during the weekend and the laundry every other days (washing machine not hand washed)...would you believe it even school shoes she dump inside washing machine to wash...

Every time I try to initiate sex, she would give those typical reactions....let me tell you even try to neck her or kiss her...she gives those disgusted look as if I am trying to rape her...don't even talk about groping her breast, she will say no respect for her body...no fingering no necking no petting...so tell me ladies how am i suppose to initiate? How would you feel if you are put in such a position when you try to initiate with your other half...dejected, ego bruise, upset, depress?

So in this case ladies, if you are not keen to have sex, what then for your partner? You are forcing him to be celibate, is that fair? So he starts to stray, then you kpkb...then what do you expect? He is human he is man...no respect to those monks...but you think everyone of them really that pure?

[Apocalypse]

The first thing to do is to try to determine the reason your spouse is refusing sex. This is difficult as there are a variety of sexual and non-sexual issues that can cause sexual refusal. It's also possible that previous sexual behaviour was mostly or completely an act, meaning what appears to be a sudden problem may have always existed, and was only hidden before. The problem can be a combination of things, and a person who tends towards negative feelings about sex may only need a very small "push" to stop wanting to have sex. It is also possible that the original trigger issue has ended, and the non-sexual behaviour remains. Additionally, a lack of willingness to have sex does not always mean a lack of sex drive. Finally, the onset of the problem and the change in sexual behaviour can be separated by months or years; don’t assume the clue to a sexual change can be found in the recent past.

Some people seem to have a never-ending supply of "good reasons" for saying no. Individually each reason seems fair, but taken as a whole it's obvious something is wrong. When a constant stream of reasons for not having sex continues for very long, there is some underlying reason for the lack of sex; the reasons given are merely convenient or concocted excuses that hide the real problem. We make time and energy for the things that are most important to us, so when we are routinely too busy or too tired for something it suggests that the real issue is more about priorities than time.

Use the following list to see if you can identify problem areas that may be causing or aggravating anti-sex feelings.

There are a number of reasons a person might lack sexual desire for their spouse. When you consider that sexual desire starts with what happens between your ears and then is greatly influenced by the marriage relationship itself, it is understandable that most of what is going to stall desire will be personal or relational in nature. There are, of course, some physical problems that can affect sexual desire too.

The following list can be used to identify problems or potential problems.

poor self image, poor sexual self image, inhibitions - Our culture and, sadly, the sg society and its multi religion have played havoc with how we see ourselves and our sexuality.

fear of intimacy - wounds from past relationships can be carried into present ones, making it difficult to desire intimacy and oneness. Men may fear intimacy because they think it's "weak" or unmanly.

childhood sexual abuse, molestation, rape - In order to dull the pain, fear and shame associated with a previous sexual experience(s), many victims repress or fight their natural sex drive.

lack of privacy - living in close quarters with parents or (foster, natural, or step) children. This is more likely to affect women than men.

guilt from sex - guilt over masturbation, playing doctor, promiscuity, abortion, premarital sex with your spouse, non-marital sex before you met your spouse, viewing pornography, adultery, etc. can make approaching sex very painful. Growing up in a strict anti-sex household can make people feel guilty about normal and natural sexual thoughts and desires. Some even feel guilty about their desire for their spouse. Still others feel guilt over things they want to do with their spouse; things they themselves believe are wrong or "kinky," or believe their spouse would consider weird or sinful.

busyness, stress, anxiety - it takes a certain amount of time and relaxation to make sex work. Always being stressed out or having too much to do will eventually wear out your sex drive.

depression - depression puts the skids on everything in your life, including sex drive.

unforgivingness, deep grief, bitterness, fear, anger, hate - strong negative emotions steal emotional energy from the rest of your life. These emotions don't even have to be directed toward your spouse to have them affect your sex drive.

other outlets - Investing large amounts of time into work or being emotionally involved with other people (real or not) can tie up the desire and energy that you need for your spouse. This may sound fairly simplistic, but it represents a host of problems - workaholism, a too busy lifestyle, preferring friends (male or female) over your spouse, an over active fantasy life, adultery, romance novels, pornography, masturbation and other sexual addictions - anything that ties up your time and emotions to the degree that it drains dry what you need to emotionally and physically desire your spouse.

RELATIONAL ISSUES

lack of nonsexual intimacy - it's difficult to desire someone that is a stranger to you. Over the long haul of marriage, your sex drive needs something relational to work with

lack of sexual intimacy, sexual dysfunctions, frustration, disappointment - repeatedly being rebuffed sexually can emotionally, and eventually physically, stall your sex drive. The same can happen for repeated lack of orgasm, impotence, premature ejaculation, retarded ejaculation, or other disappointments in the bedroom.

poor sexual technique, lack of knowledge about sexuality - a lack of understanding can cause things to go poorly in the bedroom. This can open the door to repeated disappointment and frustration which can in turn cause a lack of interest. A lack of understanding of gender and personality differences can cause a good deal of friction in and out of the bedroom.

lack of trust, betrayal, adultery - intimate relationships need a certain level of trust and commitment to operate well. When one spouse has abused the trust of the other, desire for intimacy is diminished.

lack of respect, abuse, manipulation, selfishness - it is extremely difficult to desire intimacy with someone who does not show genuine love or who consistently diminishes your worth and value in some way.

boredom - Most of us wouldn't get excited about eating the same thing every day for years; sex is no different. Fear about what the other would think can keep these feeling from being expressed, and the boredom just grows.

Over committed emotionally: We can become so close to other people that we no longer see our marriage relationship as special. When a person starts to see their spouse as "just another friend," it's difficult to see them as sexual.

Anger/Resentment: Often a person knowingly or unknowingly refuses sex as a way to retaliate for real or imagined wrongs. Another version of this is the spouse who says yes to sex, but rarely or never allows them self to enjoy it. These kind of passive/aggressive issues are difficult to deal with as the person doing them will deny they are doing anything.

Control/manipulation: A spouse may use sex as a carrot to encourage wanted actions, or sexual refusal as a stick to punish unwanted actions. If the person who is supposed to be controlled "refuses to play," sex may stop all together.

Habit: If not having sex, or having very little sex, goes on for a long time, it can become a bad habit. Being sexual no longer feels natural and other things usurp the time and energy that should go into sex.

Young Children: Babies and young children are a major drain on parents, and particularly on mothers. A drop in interest is normal after a woman gives birth, and in some cases, it takes years for her desire and interest to return to what is was before she became pregnant.

Sex is for babies: Some women (and a very few men) have the idea that sex is only acceptable when it’s about making babies – or at least could make babies. Others see sex as okay in general as long as they want more children; even if they are currently using birth control. Either way, when the family is complete, sex is no longer acceptable.

Sexual Anorexia: This stems from the feeling that one has little or no control over one's life. As with the eating disorder, the sexual anorexic gains a sense of self-control by denying them self something their body desires. As with the eating disorder, the sexual anorexic may so lose contact with their body that they no longer feel sexual urges. A sexual anorexic could be highly aroused but not feel a thing. Sexual anorexia is far more common in women than men, but some men seem to do this as well. There also seems to be sexual bulimia in which the person vacillates between not being able to get enough sex (and possibly seeking it outside of the marriage) and wanting absolutely nothing to do with sex in any way. (Please note that these issues are well beyond the scope of self-help.)


Relational issues are a bit tougher to resolve as they involve two people, rather than one. But if both people are willing to work at it, difficulties can be resolved. Pray over your marriage. Read good marriage books and implement their advice or visit and learn from a happily married couple. Sometimes it is helpful to seek out a counselor to resolve particularly difficult problems.