Where is my happily ever after?

[TiredSal]

I don’t know if I’m valued at all.

Last year, he forgotten my birthday coz it was two days after we shifted to the new house. He said next year he will compensate to me.

This year, he treated his parents to $200+ dinner a few days before my birthday and then later on when I asked him where is my birthday present or ‘celebration’ he said he didn’t have the budget to give me anything but promise he will ‘compensate’ me in future.

It is like no one in the world care if I existed to want to be bothered about celebrating my birthday. Even if it is 3 pieces of ferro rocher chocolate and I will also be happy with it. But there was nothing.

Till date, I have $50000 bank debts because I used these money to lend it to him to pay off his losses in casino gambling and stocks and shares. He himself has $150000 bank debts.

Everytime he borrows, he promised to return very soon. Usually borrow 5k return 2k, then 3k takes forever… so overtime it snowballed to 50k over the past few years.

I have been wanting to break up, but he said he won’t return my money if I did. So I stayed on. We enjoy going out, dining, movies, traveling, etc.

But every week, we will have something to quarrel. Something small, and insignificant, but we will end up shouting, and him cursing me, cursing my health, cursing I will never find a good man and end up with a terrible man, cursing my family health, threatening not to return my money…

But after a few hours, we will become normal again. We talk and promise each other it will not happen again. He will tell me how much he loves me and how he will be nice to me if I can stop being so bad-tempered. He wants to be nice to me, but I will have to do it first.

And when he is happy, he is nice and listens to me and do things my way.

But when he is not happy about me after we quarrel, all sorts of nasty comments come out of his mouth and he will do things deliberately to irritate me, upset me, he will turn all the ‘secrets’ and bottom of my heart feelings I’ve told him and make sarcastic remarks and make fun of me, and he will say things like why my family turns out to be like this and has misfortunes is because of my bad karma… he can even say nasty things about my nephew and niece and siblings and curse them even though they have done nothing to offend him



But in ordered to ‘recover’ my money, I stayed in the relationship. We applied for a flat and got it. I really like the house but wanted to back out because I know I will have to get married in order to get the house. We quarreled over this many times and he said he will curse me and my family and create trouble for my family if I back out from the house.

So we got the house and got married… for one year now.

We had an argument and stop talking for a few days now.

I’m thinking of divorce. But there will be financial losses on the house so he won’t agree and I don’t want to have further financial losses as well. I’m hoping that even if he don’t return my 50k, I still can get it back from the proceeds of the house. Which means I will have to live like this for the next four years, being a ‘room mate’ on the same bed, hopefully I can recover the money, sell the house and earn some money and move on.

Some of the stupid things we quarrel:

1) I didn’t want to ride the rollercoaster with him and told him many times, which he thought I was joking, and when he realized I was serious, he made a big fuss out of it because he didn’t want to be seen as alone in the queue, so we quarreled. He shouted at me in the theme park, use ‘ah beng’ kind of attitude and gesture to lecture me

2) while doing laundry, one of his sock dropped behind the washing machine, so when he was folding his clothes, he realized that and came to me angrily why I didn’t do a good job and why I was so careless and insisted that I should stop my own laundry and dig the load to see if his sock was there…

3) cooked him dinner but didn’t cover the dishes up and left them on the table, so when he came back and saw the dishes, he scolded me and made a big fuss

4) usually I’m the one mopping and vacuuming the floor, and every day he will pick his nose and flick the dirt onto the ground without thinking, constant picking of nose while watching tv and he feels that is ok, but when he sees that after a few days of not vacuuming the floor, my hair are all over the floor, he will be angry at me for not doing my part

And many times during our traveling, we will end up quarrelling and go our separate ways, then after a while he realizes he didn’t want to be alone and will find him and tell me to listen to him or he will make my life super miserable and create trouble for me and my family if I didn’t go his way… so he will tell me that now that he has cooled down and talked to me first, I should not bear grudges, and he will tell me that I’m the one not putting in efforts to make things way and I’m the one making trouble for him


Furthermore, we only had sex three times in the past one year. Before marriage, it was also just a few times a year because I don’t really like the idea of premarital sex. I didn’t know this will become a permanent thing. He said he wanted to have kids with me in future but I don’t see it possible. It may or may not be a good thing to have so little sex, at least for now, I don’t have to be forced to do one more thing that I don’t enjoy because I don’t feel love by him at all. But I do want to feel love and appreciated and have a normal relationship and sex life like other couples. He always tell me that there are couples who are worse than us whereby the husband won’t listen to the wife at all, won’t do nice things at all, etc and that at least he does it some times, and when we travel to enjoy the luxury things we really have lived it all, etc

I’m thinking of keeping low for the next 4 years and then sell the house, split the money, divorce him…

I know it is so stupid not to move on, and I have already wasted my all my 20s on a lousy relationship and now I'm waiting until mid 30s before I can finally be free...

But what will I become when I'm finally free? Will I be able to find a good man and get married and stay happily ever after?


i need some advice and opinions...

what are the things that ladies look for in their men, relationship and marriage?

i don't know if i'm asking too much...


there are good times and happy things that he does for me
1) he cooks and cuts fruits, brings me drinks whenever i request
2) he puts the laundry into the washing machine sometimes by himself and whenever i ask him to
3) he irons his own clothes
4) he folds his own clothes, but very seldom he folds my clothes and often placed them in the wrong stack
5) he takes me out every weekend, and on weekday nights whenever we feel like it
6) we hold hands and can chat happily whenever we go out
7) he drives me to visit doctor even in the middle of the night
8) when he does mop the floor, he does it very thoroughly and polishing it
9) every few weeks he automatically wash the toilet
10) he will drive me to places I want to go and places I want to eat
11) although he gambles and plays stocks and shares, he works hard to earn money and pay all the household bills on time, it’s just that earn a lot but also spend a lot kind of lifestyle

Are these good characteristics?

Are these enough and should I just ignore that his temper in bad and will say nasty things whenever we quarrel? Because when we don’t, he tells me nice things and do nice things

Just that he is not romantic nor into intimacy with me

I’m wondering if I get a romantic and more sexual guy, will it be a trade off on all those basic nice characteristics? And how long will things last for romance and sex?

Is there really a good package man out there who will like me and reciprocate my feelings back?

What if I end up with a nicer guy in the beginning and it only last a short while? What will happen to when I’m old and feeble and the guy I’m stuck with has no sense of responsibility at all…

Should I just give and take in this relationship? Be nice to him so that he will be nice to me and forget about everything that happened in the past… start afresh?

[alan0338]

hehe, only thing i can think of is, soon, ur pm box will be flooded with many ppl trying to console u wahahahahah

[Reoxy]

While they say we should accept each other's shortcomings with an open heart in a relationship, there is a limit.

Vices in small doses may be acceptable but in large quantities become harmful to oneself and to those close-by.

Your husband's gambling addiction will sooner or later be too much for both of you to shoulder on. His constant verbal abuses are not just a character problem but also a sign of disrespect for you.

A man can be forgetful or insensitive to little aspects of a relationship but if he starts to hurl verbal abuses, it is only a matter of time before he starts something more physical.

Monetary losses can be recovered over time but emotional scarring may be forever. How much is your youth and happiness worth?

Think about it. You already know what you want, its all about do you put it all into your actions.

[et911]

Sis, wrong place to ask for advice. If you really need an opinion, go seek professional help.

[drk80]

Your happily-ever-after will come if you put your foot down to his cowardly threats and are willing to absorb some financial losses in exchange for your freedom. Sorry but your husband reads like some kind of loser...

If you are a nice person I don't see why you cannot find another partner

Cheers and good luck, sis!

[see see only]

Hi Sis,

A simple mathematics ... can you write all the loving events you have with him, as lengthy as your post above ???

However or can the following 2 words MONEY (tat u may lose) & LOVE, over-shadow all the complaints you have in him .... ???

Should the answer be YES, then i think you can continue ... if not you may want to think twice ....

[nbaccb]

Isn't this already a thread on Singapore Brides?

[deelite825]

Here's my take on this.

1) He claims that he loves you, etc but he only shows it when he is in a good mood. I think you need ask yourself whether you believe it or not.

2) Love is one thing but respect is another. Him scolding you in 'ah beng' style in public and cursing your health and family is another serious problem. He certainly shows no respect to you whatsoever. I think you need to ask yourself how much pride can you swallow in the long run.

3) No sex is another problem. You need to ask yourself whether your husband is still attracted to you. Call me old fashion but I think sex is is a necessity to continue a long term relationship. If he is not making love with you, is he getting it some where else?

4) Money. This is the least important of all. If you think that you are still with him because of the money he owes you, then you are losing more than that as each day passes by. Call me old fashion again but I think youth is still the most important aspect of a woman. Money is always there to be earned but time lost is never going to return. If you are seriously thinking of cutting ties with him, i think you should forget about the $ because as I can see, what he owes you is just going to increase and never decrease.


There is a saying, "宁教人打仔, 莫教人分妻". Meaning you rather ask someone to punish their kids than asking them to separate/divorce. So I'm going to leave this up to you. After all, we can never understand the whole situation here because we only see the points you wrote and conclude from that.

Take care.

[TiredSal]

Originally Posted by et911

Sis, wrong place to ask for advice. If you really need an opinion, go seek professional help.

it's difficult to share with strangers about such things that's why i'm asking people here...

right now, i'm just letting things be and not doing anything because i have so many things going on in my mind, i don't think i can do and plan for things and not have regrets in future

maybe i might regret not doing anything now in a few years time, but i don't want to regret making a decision now when i'm so confused as well

don't know if i can give myself the kind of ideal happiness
don't know if i know what happiness to seek out for when i'm single again
don't know if i can start a new relationship with the right expectations and without the shadows of the past

don't know so many things...

we have many serious talks... survived a few weeks of no quarels and peace many times also... but like a regular cycle, things pop up time and again and back to square one

i'm hoping our temper will mellow down when we are older...

or will we just ignore each other and live a sad life when we are old like what i see in some older couples... because they don't want to get out of a lousy relationship as well?

[deelite825]

Oh and just to add. Those good points that you listed about him are actually good. I wouldn't do some of them myself.

[LazyCat]

Sis,

Relationship takes alot of work and no relationship is perfect. There are ups and there are downs. If you feel in the end there is nothing in this marriage for you to save, then, follow your heart and move on.

Life still goes on whether one is happy or sad.

Be strong.

[dyelook]

sis.. girl like you still exist ah? should get yourself listed as protected species

[sammyboyfor]

"Happily ever after" happens in fairy tales.

Real life is a lot more mundane.

You're married to a loser. You should leave him asap so you can look for a winner.

Do not procreate with a loser. One or more of the children will take after their father and you'll be responsible for creating another loser on this earth who in turn will cause some other poor girl the same grief you're going through.

[arsenal_84]

if he really treasures this marriage, get him to go for gambling addiction course.

[Big Sexy]

you posted the same stuff at a lousy Channel NewsAsia forum and got no reply..
http://forum.channelnewsasia.com/vie...d3 bd75b0a2df

Nothing beats sbf, take sam's advice..
You should leave him asap so you can look for a winner